Jokes of the day for Thursday, 23 June 2016

President Obama and David Cameron...

President Obama and David Cameron are shown a time machine which can see 100 years into the future. They both decide to test it by asking a question each.
President Obama goes first: "What will the USA be like in 100 years time?"
The machine whirrs and beeps and goes into action and gives him a printout. He reads it out: "The country is in good hands under the new president, crime is non-existent, there is no conflict, the economy is healthy. There are no worries."
David Cameron thinks, "It's not bad time machine, I'll have a bit of that." So he asks: "What will Britain be like in 100 years time?"
The machine whirrs and beeps and goes into action, and he gets a printout.
But he just stares at it.
"Come on David," says Obama, "Tell us what it says."
"I can't! It's all in Arabic!"

“I used to work as a

“I used to work as a high school ceramics teacher, but I got too close to the kiln and I was fired.”

I got demoted to working in a

I got demoted to working in a coal mine, which has put me in an un tannable situation.

The horse

This man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and swacks him on the back of his head with a huge frying pan.

He asks, 'What was that for?'

She replies, 'What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it?'

He says, 'Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on.'

She is appeased and goes off to work around the house.

Three days later he is once again sitting in his chair reading and she repeats the frying pan swatting. He says, 'What's that for this time?'

She answered, 'Your horse called.'

 The Code Of Ethical Behavior For Patients

1. Do not expect your doctor to share your discomfort.
Involvement with the patient's suffering might cause him to lose valuable scientific objectivity.
2. Be cheerful at all times.
Your doctor leads a busy and trying life and requires all the gentleness and reassurance he can get.
3. Try to suffer from the disease for which you are being treated.
Remember that your doctor has a professional reputation to uphold.
4. Do not complain if the treatment fails to bring relief.
You must believe that your doctor has achieved a deep insight into the true nature of your illness, which transcends any mere permanent disability you may have experienced.
5. Never ask your doctor to explain what he is doing or why he is doing it.
It is presumptuous to assume that such profound matters could be explained in terms that you would understand.
6. Submit to novel experimental treatment readily.
Though the surgery may not benefit you directly, the resulting research paper will surely be of widespread interest.
7. Pay your medical bills promptly and willingly.
You should consider it a privilege to contribute, however modestly, to the well-being of physicians and other humanitarians.
8. Do not suffer from ailments that you cannot afford.
It is sheer arrogance to contract illnesses that are beyond your means.
9. Never reveal any of the shortcomings that have come to light in the course of treatment by your doctor.
The patient-doctor relationship is a privileged one, and you have a sacred duty to protect him from exposure.
10. Never die while in your doctor's presence or under his direct care.
This will only cause him needless inconvenience and embarrassment.

ELEPHANTS

Q. WHY DO ELEPHANTS HAVE 4 FEET?

A.THEY WOULD LOOK SILLY WITH 6 INCHES.

When they discover the center of the universe

When they discover the center of the universe

Q: Why is the barn so noisy? <

Q: Why is the barn so noisy?
A: Because the cows have horns.

1. They start paying everyone

1. They start paying everyone in sea shells.
2. The Dairy Queen on the corner is threatening a hostile takeover.
3. When you say, "See you tomorrow," the watchman laughs uncontrollably.
4. The chairman walks by your desk and says, "Hey, Hey! Easy on the staples!"
5. The initials of your company are "G.M."
6. Conference room has been turned into chinchilla farm.
7. Conversations at the water cooler are mainly with yourself.
8. Your boss casually asks you if you know anything about starting fires.
9. You get a lot of memos in Japanese.
10. Your boss asks you not to cash your check until next week.

If Chuck Norris gave a mouse a...

If Chuck Norris gave a mouse a cookie, it would probably ask for some milk. Then Chuck Norris would roundhouse kick that ungrateful little rodent so hard, it would lose it's appetite for cookies. Permanently.

Gabriel Iglesias: The Only Big Friend Argument

When you have nothing but big friends, you never get into arguments -- except one. And that is, who is the biggest? Ill let you know right now, theres only one way to settle this. We all get in a bus and we go to Disney and we get on a roller coaster -- whoever gets the least amount of clicks on the safety bar is the big one.

Nuts

What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?

Beer nuts are a buck-fifty and deer nuts are under a buck.

Submitted by Curtis

Edited by Glaci

Toothbrush

Where was the toothbrush invented?

Mississippi.

If it would've been invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teeth brush.

Myq Kaplan: Snakes on a Plane Spoiler

If you havent seen Snakes on a Plane, I recommend it. I would just recommend, dont spoil it for yourself like I did. Before I went, I read the title.

Some Improvements in Hell

An engineer died and ended up in Hell. Soon, he became dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell, and began designing and building improvements. After a while, they had flush toilets, air conditioning, escalators. The engineer was a pretty popular guy.One day God called to Satan and said with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in Hell?" Satan replied, "Hey, things are great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."God exclaimed, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake--he should never have gotten down there in the first place. Send him back up here.""No way," replied Satan. "I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."God threatened, "Send him back up here now or I'll sue!"Satan laughed and answered, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"