Jokes of the day for Friday, 24 June 2016
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Friday, 24 June 2016 |
What's the favourite com
What's the favourite comic of the transgendered? X-men.Four old retired guys are walk...
Four old retired guys are walking down a street in London. They turn a corner and see a sign that says, "Old Timers Bar - All drinks 10p." They look at each other and then go in, thinking, this is too good to be true.The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?" There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini. In no time the bartender serves up four iced martinis—shaken, not stirred—and says, "That'll be 10p each, please."
The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40p, finish their martinis, and order another round. Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender again saying, "That's 40p, please." They pay the 40p, but their curiosity gets the better of them. They've each had two martinis and haven't even spent a £1 yet.
Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a 10p a piece?"
"I'm a retired tailor," the bartender says, "and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery Jackpot for £25 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs 10p. wine, liquor, beer -- it's all the same."
"Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says.
As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can't help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there.
Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the bartender, "What's with them?"
The bartender says, "They're from Scotland. They're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price."
Things we would never know without going to the movies...
During all police investigations it will benecessary to visit a strip club at least once.
All telephone numbers in America begin with
the digits 555.
Most dogs are immortal.
If being chased through town, you can usually
take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day
parade - at any time of the year.
All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets
which reach up to the armpit level on a woman
but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
All grocery shopping bags contain at least one
stick of French Bread.
It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing
there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even
while scuba diving
The ventilation system of any building is the
perfect hiding place. No-one will ever think of
looking for you in there and you can travel to
any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
If you need to reload your gun, you will always
have more ammunition -even if you haven't
been carrying any before now.
You're very likely to survive any battle in any
war unless you make the mistake of showing
someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
Should you wish to pass yourself off as a
German officer, it will not be necessary to
speak the language. Even a bad German accent will do.
If your town is threatened by an imminent
natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first
concern will be the tourist trade or his
forthcoming art exhibition.
The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any
window in Paris.
A man will show no pain while taking the most
ferocious beating but will wince when a woman
tries to clean his wounds.
If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will
be thrown through it before long.
When paying for a taxi, don't look at your
wallet as you take out a bill just grab one at
random and hand it over. It will always be the
exact fare.
Interbreeding is genetically possible with any
creature from elsewhere in the universe.
Kitchens don't have light switches. When
entering a kitchen at night, you should open the
fridge door and use that light instead.
If staying in a haunted house, women should
investigate any strange noises in their most
revealing underwear.
Word processors never display a cursor on
screen but will always say: Enter Password Now.
Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and
waffles for their family every morning even
though their husband and children never have
time to eat it.
Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.
The Chief of Police will always suspend his star
detective - or give him 48 hours to finish the job.
A single match will be sufficient to light up a
room the size of RFK Stadium.
Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
Although in the 20th century it is possible to
fire weapons at an object out of our visual
range, people of the 23rd century will have lost
this technology.
Any person waking from a nightmare will sit
bolt upright and pant.
It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye
when beginning or ending phone conversations.
Even when driving down a perfectly straight
road it is necessary to turn the steering wheel
vigorously from left to right every few moments.
All bombs are fitted with electronic timing
devices with large red readouts so you know
exactly when they're going to go off.
It is always possible to park directly outside
any building you are visiting.
A detective can only solve a case once he has
been suspended from duty.
If you decide to start dancing in the street,
everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
Most laptop computers are powerful enough to
override the communication systems of any
invading alien civilization (especially a
Macintosh snicker, snicker!!)).
It d
Economist Valentines
Top economist Valentine's Day cards
4. You raise my interest rate thirty basis points without a corresponding dropoff in consumer enthusiasm.
3. Let's raise housing starts together.
2. You stoke the animal spirits of my market.
1. Despite your decade of inflation, I still love you.
"Knock, knock."
"Who's th
"Knock, knock." "Who's there?"
"Nobel."
"Nobel who?"
"No bell that's why I knocked."
Mildred, the church gossip, an
Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.
She emphatically told George (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.
George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away.
He didn't explain, defend, or deny.
He said nothing.
Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house... walked home... and left it there all night.
You gotta love George.
Every time an Indian walks int...
Every time an Indian walks into the chief's teepee he sees that the chief is masturbating. They finally realize this is a serious problem, so they fix him up with a nice woman, and she starts living with him in his teepee.One day, one of the Indians walks into to chief's teepee and there's the chief masturbating again. He says, "Chief, what are you doing? We fix you up with a beautiful woman."
The chief says, "Her arm get tired."
vampire lesbians
What did one lesbian vampire say to the other?. Same time next month?.Chuck Norris can win at solita...
Chuck Norris can win at solitaire with only 18 cards.12- Pack
A father and his son go into the grocery store when they happen upon the condom aisle. The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes of condoms. The father replies, ''Well, you see that 3-pack? That's for when you're in high school. You have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night.'' The son then asks his father, ''What's the 6-pack for?'' The father replies, ''Well, that's for when you're in college. You have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning.'' Then the son asks his father what the 12-pack is for. The father replies, ''Well, that's for when you're married. You have one for January, one for February, one for March, one for.....''
The strong young man at the co...
The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back." "You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got." The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in." A man went into a restaurant a...
A man went into a restaurant and asked for crab. When the waiter brought it, the man objected, "Just a minute, that crab only has one claw!""Yes, said the waiter, it was in a fight."
"Well," said the man, "Bring me the winner!"
Ponderings Collection 09
Why call then hot water heaters if the water is already hot?
If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter?
If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?
If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex in the box?
When a cow laughs does milk come up its nose?
Why do they put braille on the number pads of drive-through bank machines?
How did a fool and his money GET together?
If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do they stick Teflon on the pan?
How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
