Jokes of the day for Friday, 12 August 2016

The husband and wife were play

The husband and wife were playing on the ninth green when she collapsed from a heart attack. "Please dear, I need help." she said.
The husband ran off saying "I'll go get some help." A little while later he returned, picked up his club and began to line up his shot on the green.
His wife, on the ground, raised up her head and said, "I'm may be dying and you're putting?"
"Don't worry dear. I found a doctor on the second hole who said he come and help."
"The second hole? When in the hell is he coming?"
"Hey! I told ya not to worry," he said, practice stroking his putt. "Everyone's already agreed to let him play through."

“Wounds heal better i

“Wounds heal better if they are covered. This is an example of gauze and effect.”

A gynecologist who had lost in...

A gynecologist who had lost interest in his medical practice decided to change careers and enrolled in auto mechanic school.
He performed well in the course but was still shocked when he got an off-the-chart 200 on his final exam. He asked the instructor to explain the grade.
"I gave you 50 points for taking the engine apart correctly," the teacher said, "50 points for putting it back together correctly -- and an extra 100 points for doing it all through the muffler."

50-50 partners

A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. "I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family," said the man. "To show you how much we care for you, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations."

The son-in-law interrupted. "I hate factories. I can't stand the noise."

"I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations."

"I hate office work," said the son-on-law. "I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day."

"Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just make you half- owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don't like factories and won't work in a office. What am I going to do with you?"

"Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out."

 Expert On Parenting

The following is a true story written by an educational psychologist and her experience on a plane.
On a flight to Florida, I was preparing my notes for one of the parent-education seminars I conduct as an educational psychologist.
The elderly woman sitting next to me explained that she was returning to Miami after having spent two weeks visiting her six children, 18 grandchildren and ten great-grandchildren in Boston.
Then she inquired what I did for a living.
I told her, fully expecting her to question me for free professional advice.
Instead she sat back, picked up a magazine and said, "If there's anything you want to know, just ask me."

Bike

A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives to be civilized and kind to each other when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English. 

So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."
The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."
Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."
The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.
The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, "Man riding a bike."
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them both..
The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?
The chief replied, "My bike."      

Got Nuts?

A girl walks into a grocery store and asks the stock boy if he has any nuts.
The guy says, "No, ma'am."
She says, "Well, do you have any dates?"
And he says, "Ma'am, if I don't have nuts, do you really expect me to have dates?"

Blonde Bet

Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM
He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.
The 10:00 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Bob and said, 'Do you think he'll jump?' Bob says, 'You know, I bet he'll jump.'
The blonde replied, 'Well, I bet he won't.' Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, 'You're on!'
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, 'Fair's fair. Here's your money.'
Bob replied, 'I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 6 PM news and so I knew he would jump.'
The blonde replied, 'I saw it too; but I didn't think he'd do it again.'
Bob took the money......

A visit with Grandpa

A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in the hospital.

"How are you grandpa?" he asks.

"Feeling fine," says the old man.

"What's the food like?"

"Terrific, wonderful menus."

"And the nursing?"

"Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you."

"What about sleeping? Do you sleep okay?"

"No problem at all --- nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet, and that's it. I go out like a light."

The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so he rushes off to question the Nurse in charge. "What are you people doing?" he asks. "I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?"

"Oh, yes," replies the nurse. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed."

Manners

A Christian farmer spent the day in the city.

In a restaurant for his noon meal, he sat near a group of young men.

After he bowed his head to give thanks for his food, one of the young men thought he would embarrass the old gentleman. "Hey, farmer, does everyone do that out where you live?"

The old man calmly replied, "No, son, the pigs don't!"

Submitted by Curtis

Edited by Calamjo

Mike Lawrence: Child of Divorce

I really hate the way I found out about my parents divorce. What happened was, my mom took me out for ice cream, and she sat me down, she said, Michael, Im leaving your father, Im going off to marry another man, and Im pregnant. And that was really messed up, cause that should have been three different trips to get ice cream.

An old man who loves to fish...

An old man who loves to fish, was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up."
He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up."
He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.
The man said, "Are you talking to me?"
The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up. Then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll then give you more sexual pleasure that you ever could have dreamed of."
The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.
Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will give you sexual pleasures like you have never had."
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."

Independence Day Jokes

July 4th is Independence Day (US National Holiday)! Find jokes about it!

Why do Bigelow employees like the Fourth of July so much?
They love to celebrate liber-tea!

What is red, white, black and blue?
Uncle Sam when he takes a tumble down the stairs.

Why does the Statue of Liberty stand in the New York harbor?
It can’t sit.

What do you call a duck who says ‘bang’?
A firequacker.

Did you hear the joke about the Liberty Bell?
It cracked me up!

What was the popular dance in 1776?
The indepen-dance.

Who was the biggest jokester in George Washington’s army?
Laugh-ayette

What did one flag say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved!

Was the Declaration of Independence written in Philadelphia?
No, it was written in ink!

What happens when you cross a stegosaurus with a firework?
Dino-myte!

What did the ghost say on the Fourth of July?
Red, white and boo.

What do you eat on July 5th?
Independence Day-old pizza.

Who was the dog that announced, “The British are coming”?
Paw Revere.

Who doesn’t get a day of July 4?
Fire – fire works.

What’s red, white, blue and green?
A seasick Uncle Sam.

What has feathers, webbed feet, life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness?
The duck-laration of happiness.

What happens if you cross a Declaration signer and a rooster?
John Hancock-a-doodle-doo

What is the best sport to play on the Fourth of July?
Flag football.

Where is the capital in Washington, D.C.?
At the beginning.

What do you call a snowman on the Fourth of July?
A puddle.

What do you call a patriotic cartoonist?
A Yankee Doodler.

Why are there no Fourth of July knock-knock jokes?
Because freedom rings.

What’s the difference between George Washington and a duck?
One of them has their face on a bill and the other one has a bill on their face.

Where did George Washington keep his armies?
In his sleevies.

What did the tourists say when they left the Statute of Liberty?
Keep in torch!

What do ducks love about the Fourth of July?
Firequackers.

What do firecrackers eat at the movies?
Pop-corners.

Why couldn’t George Washington sleep at night?
Because he couldn’t lie.

What did Obi-Wan Kenobi say on Independence Day?
May the fourth be with you!

What did the little firecracker say to the big one?
“Hi, Pop!”

What do you call a red, white and blue pie?
Pastry-otic.

What do you call a Fourth of July accident at Mount Rushmore?
A monumental disaster.

What is the most patriotic dog breed?
Yankee Poodles

What was Uncle Sam’s favorite snack?
Fire crackers.

Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
On the bottom.

Why can’t you skip out on the Fourth of July barbecue?
It would be a missed-steak.

What do an American flag and a sad candy cane have in common?
They’re both red, white and blue

What did the revolutionaries wear to the Boston Tea Party?
Tea-shirts.

What did the firework seller say to his colleague on July 4?
Business is booming!

Did you hear about the angry firework?
He was so mad, he exploded!

Why did Paul Revere ride to Lexington on his horse?
Well, the horse was too heavy to carry.

What’s a firework’s favorite song?
“Pop it Like it’s Hot.”

What do fireworks eat when it’s hot out?
Popsicles!

Who is the least guilty president?
Lincoln – he’s in a cent!

Which Founding Father is a puppy’s favorite?
Bone Franklin.

What has four legs, a shiny nose and fought for England?
Rudolph the Redcoat Reindeer.

Whose favorite lyric in "The Star Spangled Banner" is “Oh say can you see”?
An optometrist!

How do Americans spend their Fourth of July weekend?
Getting stuck in traffic.

Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing!
(Just like how the British turned red when they saw the Americans dressing up as independent!)

#independenceday

Buying a newspaper

One day, a man's beloved dog passed away, leaving him heartbroken. His dog had been incredibly helpful, doing chores like washing dishes and running errands. Grieving, the man decided to find a new pet to fill the void.

At the pet store, he asked the manager if they had any animals that could perform tasks like his dog had. The manager looked around and said, "We don't have much, but there's this centipede."

Though skeptical, the man took the centipede home. To test its abilities, he asked it to fetch a beer from the fridge, and the centipede did so.

Next, he asked it to run a bath
It also accomplished.

Before getting into the bath, the man requested the centipede to go to the store and buy a newspaper. The centipede agreed. However, when the man emerged from the bath an hour later, he found the centipede at the bottom of the stairs, not having left for the store yet.

"Didn't I ask you to go to the store?" he questioned.
The centipede replied, "GIVE ME A CHANCE TO PUT MY SHOES ON!"

How confident people are

You can determine how confident people are by listening to what they don't say about themselves.~ Author Unknown