Jokes of the day for Saturday, 03 September 2016
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Saturday, 03 September 2016 |
A penny and a second....
There was once this man in heaven, he asked God what a million dollars meant to him. God replied, "A penny."
Then, the man asked what a million years meant to God. God replied, "A second."
Finally the man asked, "Can I have one of your pennies?"
And god replied, "Just a second."
It's that time of year to tak
It's that time of year to take our annual seniorcitizen test. Exercising the brain is as importantas exercising muscles. As we grow older, it'simportant to keep mentally alert. If you don't useit, you lose it! Below is a very private way to gaugeyour loss or non-loss of intelligence.Take the test presented here to determine if you'relosing it or not. The spaces below are so you don'tsee the answers until you've made your answer. OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.
1. What do you put in a toaster?
Answer: "bread." If you said "toast," give upnow and do something else. Try not to hurt yourself.If you said, bread, go to Question 2.
2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk"
What do cows drink?
Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk," don't attempt the next question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as AutoWorld. However, if you said "water", proceed to question 3.
3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks , what is a green house made from?
Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green bricks," why the heck are you still reading these??? If you said "glass," go on to Question 4.
4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany (If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany .) Anyway, during theflight, two engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he can do so and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" betweenEast Germany and West Germany . Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany , West Germany , or no man's land"?
Answer: You don't bury survivors.
If you said ANYTHING else, you're a dunce and you must stop. If you said, "You don't bury survivors", proceed to the next question.
5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales . In London , 17 people get on the bus. In Reading , six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on . In Swansea , three people get off and five people get on. In Carmathen,six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven. What was the name of the bus driver?
Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!
Don't you remember your own name? It was YOU!!Now pass this along to all your friends andpray they do better than you.
PS: 95% of people fail most of the questions!!
A Collection Of Insults
A brief synopsis... When you're at a loss for words but want to tell someone that he or she is stupid, remember some these quips from our collection here at Aha! Jokes.Running U.S. appliances on British current.
Runs squares around the competition.
Rusty springs in the mousetrap.
S p a c e d o u t .
Sailboat fuel for brains.
Sat under the ozone hole too long.
Sending back packets, but the checksums are wrong.
Serving donuts on another planet.
Settled some during shipping and handling.
Seven seconds behind, and built to stay that way.
Several nuts over fruitcake minimum.
Several nuts short of a full pouch.
Sharp, like stone in river. Swift, like tree through forest.
She only packed half a sandwich.
She only schedules zombie processes.
Chuck Norris is currently suin...
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.Lynne Koplitz: Size Zero Roommate
She actually asked me for four grapes once. She counted grapes. What kind of mental patient counts grapes? Do you know anyone who does that? Thats the weirdest thing. I was like, Four grapes... To me grapes arent even a food. Theyre like a palate cleanser. Thats what I eat to get the Big Mac taste out of my mouth.
Church Bulletin Bloopers: Weddings and Babies
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
The Honeymooners are now having bile studies each Tuesday evening at 7:30 p.m.
The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan who are preparing for the girth of their first child.
Thursday at 5:00 pm, there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be "Little Mothers" will meet with the Pastor in his private study.
(For the group of ladies called Moms Who Care and pray for the children in school). When their meeting was cancelled one week: "There will be no Moms who care this week."
- Joke shared on Beliefnet's Religious Humor page
Signs You Have a Han
1. You'd rather have a pencil driven through your retina than be exposed to sunlight.2. Trying to gain control of the situation, you continue to tell your room to "stay still."
3. Looking at yourself in the mirror induces the same reaction as chugging a glass of fresh paint. 4. You're convinced that chirping birds are Satan's pets.
5. You set aside an entire morning to spend some quality time with your toilet.
6. You replaced the traditional praying on your knees with the more feasible praying in a fetal position.
7. The bathroom reminds you of a carnival barker shouting, "Step right up and give it whirl!" 8. All day long your motto is, "Never again."
9. You could purchase a new bike just by recycling the bottles around your bed.
10. Your natural response to "Good morning," is "Shut up!"
The sacrifice....
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny.
So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!
One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."
"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
If you ever fall in love
If you ever fall in love… fall in love with someone who wants to know your favorite color and just how you like your coffee. Fall in love with someone who loves the way you laugh and would do absolutely anything to hear it. Fall in love with someone who puts their head on your chest just to hear your heart beat. Fall in love with someone who kisses you in public and is proud to show you off to anyone they know. Fall in love with someone who makes you question why you were afraid to fall in love in the first place. Fall in love with someone who would never ever want to hurt you. Fall in love with someone who falls in love with your flaws and thinks you are perfect just the way you are. Fall in love with someone who thinks that you are the ONE they would love to wake up to each day. 
Please Advise
The School teacher sent home a note with her student.
The note reads, ”Your son is an obedient and bright student, but spends too much time talking to girls.”
Mother sends a note back the following day, ”Please advise a solution. Father has the same problem.'
Earth Day Joke
April 22nd is Earth Day! Find a joke about it!
Two planets were talking to each other. One said, "I've been feeling really sick lately."
The other asked, "What's wrong?"
The first planet replied, "I've got a bad case of humans."
The second planet said,
"Oh, I had that once, but don't worry - it doesn't last long!"
#earthday
Defective nails...?
Two guys were doing construction on a house. One of them who was nailing down siding would reach into his nail pouch, pull out a nail, and then either toss it over his shoulder or nail it into the siding.
The other guy, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?"
The first guy explained, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it's pointed towards me, I throw it away 'cause it's defective. If it's pointed toward the house, then I nail it into the siding."
The second guy was outraged. He yelled, "You moron! The nails pointed towards you aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!"
Jo Koy: Three-Year-Old Son
Ive got a three-year-old son. Its like living with a crazy midget. 
