Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 02 November 2016
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Wednesday, 02 November 2016 |
Four old Catholic women sit an...
Four old Catholic women sit and brag about their sons. The first Catholic woman tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic mother says, "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, he's called 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic woman says, "My incredibly handsome son is 6' 2 with broad, square shoulders, good manners and impeccable style. Whenever he walks into a room, women say, 'Oh my God!'"
“I don't get people
“I don't get people who stumble into mirrors. They need to watch themselves.”
She gets into the cab, and not...
She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."
She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"
"OK" the nun says. "Pull in to the next alley."
The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."
The loan
Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls-Royce to a downtown New York City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan. So the businessman hands over the keys to a Rolls-Royce parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the businessman returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.40. The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is: why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The man smiled. "Where else could I park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?"
Jimmy Carr: Sexual Peak
Women reach their sexual peak after 35 years. Men reach theirs after about four minutes.
Question And Answer
Biblical Questions and Answers
Q. Who was the greatest financieer in the Bible?
A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.
Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.
Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he got married?
A. Ruth-less.
Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury.
Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. David's Triumph was heard throughout the land.
Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. Honda...because the apostles were all in one Accord.
Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. 2 Cor. 48 describes going out in service in a Volkswagen Beetle: "We are pressed in every way, but not cramped beyond movement."
Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down.
Q. Where is the first baseball game in the Bible?
A. In the big inning, Eve stole first, Adam stole second. Cain struck out Abel, and the Prodigal Son came home. The Giants and the Angels were rained out.
Q. How did Adam and Eve feel when expelled from the Garden of Eden?
A. They were really put out.
Q. What is one of the first things that Adam and Eve did after they were kicked out?
A. They really raised Cain.
Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.
Q. Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David. He rocked Goliath to sleep.
Q. Why was Goliath so surprised when David hit him with a slingshot?
A. The thought had never entered his head before.
Q. What do they call pastors in Germany?
A. German Shepherds.
Q. What is the best way to get to Paradise?
A. Turn right and go straight.
Q. Which servant of Jehovah was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses. Because he broke all 10 commandments; at once.
Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around the Jordan. The banks were always overflowing.
Q. How do we know that Job went to a chiropractor?
A. Because in Job 16:12 we read, "I had come to be at ease, but he proceeded to shake me up and he grabbed me by the back of the neck and proceeded to smash me."
Q. Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible?
A. When Joseph served in Pharaoh's court.
A brunette who really hated bl...
A brunette who really hated blondes was walking through the desert when she came across a magic lamp. After rubbing the lamp the genie told her that she got three wishes with one catch: All the blondes in the world would get twice whatever she asked for. So the brunette thought a while and then wished for a million dollars. 'Every blonde in the world will get two million.' The brunette said that was fine and then she asked for an incredibly handsome man.
'Every blonde in the world will get two incredibly handsome men.'
The brunette said that was fine too and the genie granted her wishes. 'Now for your third wish.' said the genie.
'See that stick over there?', asked the brunette, 'I want you to beat me half to death with it.'
Gas Station Fill-up
There was this gas station in "redneck country" trying to increase it's sales, so the owner put up a sign saying "Free Sex with Fill-up." Soon a "redneck" customer pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from (1) to (10), and if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. The buyer then guessed (8) and the proprietor said, "No, you were close. The number was (7). Sorry, no free sex this time but maybe next time".
Some time thereafter, the same man, along with his buddy this time, pulled in again for a fill-up, and again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story and asked him to guess the correct number. The man guessed (2) this time, and the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was (3). You were close but no free sex this time".
As they were driving away, the driver said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't give away free sex". The buddy replied, "No, it's not rigged -- my wife won twice last week."
Good Question!
And Moses looked upon the Lord and said:
"We are your chosen people and you want us to cut the tips off of our WHAT?"
Fairy tales...
When Chelsea Clinton was eight, Hillary was reading one of her favorite fairy tales.
"Mommy," asked Chelsea, "Do all fairy tales begin with "Once Upon a Time...?""
"No, dearest," replied Hillary, "sometimes they start with 'Darling, I have to work a little late at the office tonight...'"
A man asked his doctor if he t...
A man asked his doctor if he thought he'd live to be 100. The doctor asked the man, "Do you smoke or drink?"
"No," he replied. "I've never done either."
"Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or fool around with women?" inquired the doctor.
"No, I've never done any of those things either."
"Well, then," said the doctor, "why would you want to live to be 100?"
Halloween, Thanksgiving and other Fall Jokes for kids
Halloween Jokes
1. Why did the cows turn into werewolves?
- It was a full moooooon.
2. Where do ghosts go on vacation?
- The boo-hamas.
3. What kind of monster loves disco?
- The boogieman.
4. How do you know a vampire has a cold?
- He starts coffin.
5. What do you call a werewolf with a fever?
- A hot dog.
6. Why are ghosts so bad at lying?
- You can see right through them.
Find more about Haloween on Haloween Jokes
Halloween Knock-Knock Jokes
1. Knock, knock.
- Who’s there?
- Jack.
- Jack who?
- Jack o’lantern.
2. Knock, knock.
- Who’s there?
- Ivan.
- Ivan who?
- Ivan to suck your blood.
3. Knock, knock.
- Who’s there?
- Witches.
- Witches who?
- Witches the best way out of this neighborhood?
Knock-Knock and other Haloween Jokes can be found on page Haloween Jokes
Pumpkin Jokes
1. How did the little pumpkins cross the road?
- With the help of a crossing gourd.
2. How do you fix a broken pumpkin?
- With a pumpkin patch.
3. How does the pumpkin listen to music?
- On vine-yl.
4. What do you call a pumpkin that works at the beach?
- A life gourd.
5. Where do pumpkins hold business meetings?
- In the gourd-room.
6. What happens if you eat too much pumpkin pie?
- You get autumn-y ache.
Pumpkins are importan part of many Haloween Jokes
Fall Jokes
1. What’s a scarecrow’s favorite fruit?
- Straw-berries.
2. What did the scarecrow say when he lost all his stuffing?
- That was the last straw!
3. What is the cutest of seasons?
- Awww-tumn.
4. What do you get when you drop a pumpkin?
- Squash.
5. Why did Humpty Dumpty have a great fall?
- To make up for his miserable summer.
6. Why are dads so good at fall puns?
- Because they’re so corny.
Thanksgiving Knock-Knock Jokes
1. Knock, knock.
- Who’s there?
- Annie.
- Annie who?
- Annie-body want some pie?
2. Knock, knock.
- Who’s there?
- Arthur.
- Arthur who?
- Arthur any leftovers?
3. Knock, knock.
- Who’s there?
- Pie.
- Pie who?
- Pie love you.
Knock-Knock and other Thanksgiving jokes on Thanksgiving Jokes
Thanksgiving Jokes
1. Why did the gravy get sent to bed early?
- For acting saucy at the table.
2. Why did the turkey get ejected from the basketball game?
- He committed a fowl.
3. Why couldn’t the Thanksgiving band perform?
- Somebody ate the drumsticks.
4. What do sweet potatoes wear to bed?
- Yammies.
5. What’s the key to a great Thanksgiving?
- The tur-key.
6. What is the most mythical vegetable?
- A uni-corn.
Find more jokes about Thanksgiving on Thanksgiving Jokes
Apple Jokes
1. Why did the apple stop in the middle of the road?
- It ran out of juice.
2. Why did the apple pie cross the road?
- It saw a fork up ahead.
3. Why did the apple join the circus?
- He loved the apple-ause.
4. Why did the apple pie cry?
- Its peelings were hurt.
5. What did the apple tree say to the hungry caterpillar?
- “Leaf me alone!”
6. Why is it hard to work at the apple pie factory?
- They have such a high turnover rate.
