Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 03 January 2017

“How do trains drink?

“How do trains drink? They chug.”

Bill, Jim and Scott were stayi

Bill, Jim and Scott were staying in a 75-story hotel. One afternoon they were told that the elevators were broken and they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room on the top floor.
Bill said, "The climb will go faster if we distract ourselves. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, Jim can sing songs for the next 25 flights and Scott can tell sad stories for the rest of the way."
Bill started telling jokes and didn't stop until the 26th floor. Then Jim began to sing and kept going until the 51st floor. Then Jim stopped singing and told Scott to start telling sad stories.
"I will tell my saddest story first," Scott said. "Once upon a time there was a man who left his hotel room key in the car..."

Mail...

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mail box, opened it, then slammed it shut, and stormed back in the house.

A little later they came out again went to the mail box and again opened it, then slammed it shut again.

Angrily, back into the house they went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, the neighbor came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by his neighbors actions the man asked, "Is something wrong?"

To which the neighbor (who was not very computer savvy) replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps giving me a message saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL!"

My boss is turned on by fish.

My boss is turned on by fish. One day he made a bass at me.

Totally miserable men

Before Linda became engaged, she was quite the beauty, and didn't mind letting her boyfriend know it, too:

"A lot of men are gonna be totally miserable when I marry."she told him.

"Really?" asked the boyfriend, "And just how many men are you planning to marry?"

McDonalds Food Ideas

Food Ideas Rejected By McDonalds:

1. Chicken McBobbitts
   
2. Salmon McNella
   
3. Tom & Roseanne "Together Forever" Value Meal
   
4. Shirley McLean Burger
   
5. McMenudo
   
6. Filet o' Gefilte Fish
   
7. Way Too Happy Meal
   
8. Lion King Hairball Happy Meal
   
9. Them Ain't Nuggets!
   
10. McKitty Sandwich
    
11. Boutrous Boutrous Burger
    
12. Rocky Mountain McOysters
    
13. McSpleen
    
14. The Depressed Meal
    
15. Filet O' Flesh
    
16. McShrooms
    
17. Bob Barker's Happy Pants Meal
    
18. McTonya Club Sandwich
    
19. Grumpy Meal, Dopey Meal, and Sneezy Meal
    

Nursery school teacher says to...

Nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'Definitely' in a sentence?"

First a little girl says "The sky is definitely blue"

Teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray, or orange..."

Second little boy..."Trees are definitely green"

"Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown."

Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks:

"Does a fart have lumps?"

The teacher looks horrified and says "Johnny! Of course not!!!"

"OK...then I DEFINITELY shit my pants..."

An Apocalyptic One-Liner

Every time someone predicts the date of the end of the world, God pushes the date back a little just to be funny.

Chuck Norris shot the sheriff,...

Chuck Norris shot the sheriff, but he round house kicked the deputy.

Women and Men...

WOMEN

Women are honest, loyal, and forgiving. They are smart, knowing that knowledge is power. But they still know how to use their softer side to make a point.

Women want to be the best for their family, their friends, and themselves. Their hearts break when a friend dies. They have sorrow at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left.

A woman can make a romantic evening unforgettable.

Women come in all sizes, in all colors and shapes. They live in homes, apartments and cabins. They drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you.

The heart of a woman is what makes the world spin! Women do more than just give birth. They bring joy and hope. They give compassion and ideals.

They give moral support to their family and friends. And all they want back is a hug, a smile and for you to do the same to people you come in contact with.

MEN

Men are good at lifting heavy stuff and killing spiders.

honest lawyer

Two lawyers were in a coffee shop talking. One of the lawyers names was Thomas Strange. After a while their conversation became rather morbid, and they started to started to talk about what they were going to have on their tomb stones. Thomas said the he wasn't going to have his name put on his tomb stone, instead he was going have "Here lies the body of an honest lawyer!!!" "Why are you going to have that?"

asked his friend.

"Well", said Thomas, "When people are walking through the cemetery, and they see...Here lies the body of an honest lawyer. They will say "Oh...That's Strange".

Negotiations between union mem...

Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an impasse. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing the sick-leave provisions set out by their contract.
One morning at the bargaining table, the company's chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper, "This man," he announced, "called in sick yesterday!"
There on the sports page, was a photo of the supposedly ill employee, who had just won a local golf tournament with an excellent score.
A union negotiator broke the silence in the room.
"Wow!" he said. "Just think of the score he could have had if he wasn't sick!"

Painting lines

A guy is hired to paint lines on a little country road, so the boss gives him a big can of paint, a brush and sends him out... At the end of the day, when he comes to get paid, he tells the boss he got two miles done. The boss is pretty impressed. At the end of the second day, the painter reports that he did half a mile. The boss is a little surprised at the drop, but thinks maybe the first-day enthusiasm just wore off. At the end of the third day, the painter reports that he did 400 yards. The boss says, "That's quite a difference from the first day." The painter replies, "Yeah, well it's a lot longer walk back to the paint can now."

Biggest j*rks

Morton was reading the paper after breakfast when he came across an article about a beautiful actress who was about to marry a football player known primarily for his lack of IQ and common sense.

He turned to his wife with a questioning look on his face and said: "I'll never understand why the biggest j*rks get the most attractive wives."

His wife smiled and replied: "Why thank you, dear!"

One Last Confession

While a man was dying, his wife was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face.
Her praying woke him from his slumber. He looked up, and his pale lips began to move slightly.
"My darling," he whispered.
"Hush, my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk."
He was insistent. "I have something that I must confess," he said in a tired voice.
"There isn't anything to confess," replied his weeping wife. "Everything's ok. Go to sleep."
The man blurted out: "No, no, I must die in peace. I...I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know," whispered his wife, "that's why I poisoned you."