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Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 14 February 2017

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Tuesday, 14 February 2017

To All on Valentines Day

To All on Valentines Day
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Friars Club - For over 25 years the Sunshine Committee has been providing entertainment, companionship and love to children's and senior citizens centers in the NY area.
  • Currently 4.67/10

Rating: 4.7/10 (6)

“In an effort to smoo

“In an effort to smooth things over and resolve their differences one gladiator said to the other, 'Let's bury the hatchet and go clubbing'.”

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Funny puns and jokes - the largest collection of humorous jokes on the internet. New pun added daily.
  • Currently 1.67/10

Rating: 1.7/10 (6)

You have to stay in shape...

You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60.
She's 97 now and... we have no idea where she is.
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 8.83/10

Rating: 8.8/10 (35)

Funny Photo of the day - Homemade beer helmet

Homemade beer helmet - Ideal for mowing the lawn | Source : Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 2.33/10

Rating: 2.3/10 (3)

Most wanted...

An elementary school class goes on a field trip to the police station.

The Officer points to the 10 MOST WANTED list and tells them that these are the most wanted fugitives in the USA.

Little Boy says " He is the MOST WANTED in the USA?!"

Officer says "yes".

Little Boy asks "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"

#joke #policeman
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 8.36/10

Rating: 8.4/10 (14)

 Vermont Crazy Law


  • Women must obtain written permission from their husbands to wear false teeth.
  • Whistling underwater is illegal.
  • At one time it was illegal to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole.

    Barre


  • All residents shall bathe every Saturday night.

    #joke #short #animal #giraffe
  • Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
    • Currently 6.50/10

    Rating: 6.5/10 (4)

    No flights to France will be d

    No flights to France will be delayed. It's Gaul on time's Day!
    #joke #short
    Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
    • Currently 3.00/10

    Rating: 3.0/10 (2)

    A contestant on "Who Wants to

    A contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" had reached the final plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the 32,000 milestone money. And as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no pushover. It was, "Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds?Is it A) the condor; B) the buzzard; C) the cuckoo; or D) the vulture?"
    The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. And she was doubly on the spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Audience Poll Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend! Lifeline. The woman hoped she would not have to use it because ... her friend was, well .. blond. She had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices. The blonde responded unhesitatingly: "That's easy. The answer is C: The cuckoo."
    The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And considering that her friend was a blonde, that would seem to be the logical thing to do. On the other hand - the blonde had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded.
    I need an answer," said Regis.
    Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C: The cuckoo."
    "Is that your final answer?" asked Regis. "Yes, that is my final answer."
    Two minutes later, Regis said, "That answer is ... absolutely correct! You are now a millionaire!"
    Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars. "Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you! ," said the contestant. "How did you happen to know the right answer?"
    "Oh, come on," said the blonde. "Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks."
    #joke #blonde #animal #bird #food #egg
    Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
    • Currently 5.79/10

    Rating: 5.8/10 (14)

    Kevin Hart: Cancer Did It

    My uncle comes up, taps me on the back. He's like, 'Kevin, I just want to let you know whoever did this is going to die tonight.'...I said, 'Cancer did it. It was cancer.' He said, 'Well, you tell Cancer I'm looking for him, and when I find him, I'm going to shoot him in the face -- twice.'
    #joke #short
    Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
    • Currently 4.14/10

    Rating: 4.1/10 (7)

    "If you put your hand in your

    "If you put your hand in your right pocket and found 25 rupees, and put your hand in the left pocket and found 50 rupees, what would you do?"
    "I would immediately rush to my tailor and ask him to stitch more pockets on my trousers!"
    #joke #short
    Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
    • Currently 4.25/10

    Rating: 4.3/10 (4)

    The Preacher and the Frog Princess

    An old country preacher was fishing one afternoon when he noticed a frog sitting next to him. The frog said, “Mister, I’ve had a spell cast on me. If you’ll kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess and I’ll make you happy for the rest of your life.”The old preacher smiled, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. After a while, he looked into his pocket to see how the frog was doing.The frog said again, “Mister, I’ve had a spell cast on me. If you’ll kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess and I’ll make you happy for the rest of your life.”The preacher just smiled and kept on fishing. When he checked on the frog again, it said, “What’s wrong with you, fella? I said I’ve been bewitched. Just kiss me and I’ll turn back into a beautiful princess and make you the happiest man on earth for the rest of your life!”The old preacher just smiled and said, “Frog, I’m sorry to tell you this…but at my age, I’d rather have a talking frog than a beautiful princess!”
    #joke #animal #frog #sport #fishing
    Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
    • Currently 8.57/10

    Rating: 8.6/10 (35)

    Laura Kightlinger: Holidays for the Lonely

    It goes: Christmas, New Years Eve and Valentines Day. Is that fair to anyone whos alone? Those are all days when you gotta be with someone. And if you didnt get around to killing yourself at Christmas or New Years -- boom! theres Valentines Day for you. I think there should be just one more holiday after Valentines Day, just for the stragglers -- and it should be called, Who Could Love You?
    #joke #christmas #newyear
    Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 14 February 2012
    • Currently 4.42/10

    Rating: 4.4/10 (33)

    Procrastination

    My mother said, "You won't amount to anything because you procrastinate." I said, "Just wait."

    Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 14 February 2009
    • Currently 6.79/10

    Rating: 6.8/10 (29)

    University Courses For Men And Women


    Whatsamatta University's Seminars For Men Fall Catalogue


    Once again, the female staff at Whatsamatta University will be offering courses for men of all marital status in an attempt to help males and females understand each other better. Attendance in at least 10 of the following is required.
    1. Combatting Stupidity
    2. You Too Can Do Housework
    3. Resistance to Beer
    4. How To Properly Fill An Ice Tray
    5. We Do Not Want Sleazy Underwear For Christmas (Give Us Credit Cards)
    6. Understanding The Female Response To Coming Home Drunk At 4:00am
    7. Wonderful Laundry Techniques (also called "Don't Wash My Silks")
    9. Get A Life - Learn To Cook
    10. How Not To Act Like An Idiot When You Are Obviously Wrong
    11. Spelling - Even You Can Get It Right
    12. Understanding Your Financial Incompetence
    13. You, The Weaker Sex
    14. Reasons To Give Flowers
    15. Garbage - Getting It To The Curb
    16. You Cannot Always Wear Whatever You Please
    17. How To Put Down A Toilet Seat
    18. Give Me A Break - Why We Know Your Excuses Are Lies
    19. How To Go Shopping With Your Mate Without Getting Lost
    20. The Remote Control - Overcoming Your Dependency
    21. Helpful Posture Hints For Couch Potatoes
    22. Mother-in-Laws Are People Too
    23. The Weekend And Sports Are Not Synonymous
    24. How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children
    25. You Too Can Be A Designated Driver
    26. Male Bonding: Leave Your Friends At Home
    27. Attainable Goal - Omitting Foul Expletives From Vocabulary
    28. You Don't Really Need That Porsche

    Whatsamatta University's Seminars For Women Fall Catalogue


    Once again, the male staff at Whatsamatta University will be offering courses for women of all marital status in an attempt to help males and females understand each other better. Attendance in at least 10 of the following is required.
    1. Combatting The Impulse To Nag
    2. You Can Change The Oil Too
    4. How To Properly Fill A Beer Mug
    5. We Do Not Want Ties For Christmas
    6. Understanding The Female Causes Of Male Drunkenness
    7. How To Do All Your Laundry In One Load And Have More Time To Watch Football
    8. Parenting - Your Husband Gave You Children So You Could Have Someone Other Than Him To Boss Around
    9. How To Encourage Your Husband To Cook More And Be Able To Stomach His Slop
    10. How Not To Sob Like A Sponge When Your Husband Is Right
    11. Get A Life - Learn To Kill Spiders Yourself
    12. Balancing A Checkbook - Even You Can Get It Right
    13. Comprehending Credit Card Spending Limits And Financial Responsibility
    14. You, The Whining Sex
    15. Shopping - Doing It In Less Than 16 Hours
    16. If You Want To Know How That Looks On You, Ask Your Mother
    17. How To Close The Garage Door
    18. If You Don't Want An Excuse, Don't Demand An Explanation
    19. How To Go Fishing With Your Mate And Not Catch Pneumonia
    20. Living Without Power Windows - How To Turn A Crank
    21. Romanticism - The Whole Point Of Caviar, Candles, And Conversation
    22. How To Retain Your Composure While Your Husband Is Relaxing By Himself
    23. Why You Don't Need To Invite Your Mother Over Every Weekend
    24. Payday And Shopping Are Not Synonymous
    25. How To Act Younger Than Your Mother
    26. You Too Can Carry A Backpack
    27. Female Friendship - Why Your Best Friends Are Not The Women Who Complain About You The Most
    28. Learning To Appreciate The Beer Belly And Lard Butt Morphologies Of Men
    29. Attainable Goal - Catching A Ball Before It Stops Moving
    30. How To Close The Top On The Toothpaste

    #joke #christmas #drinks #beer #sport #football #fishing #mother
    Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 14 February 2010
    • Currently 6.32/10

    Rating: 6.3/10 (22)

    Blonde Sayings

    I think that 'Clueless' was very deep. I think it was deep in the way that it was very light. I think lightness has to come from a very deep place if it's true lightness."
    Alicia Silverstone
    "Once someone asked me three words that best describe me and I said 'Loud, Louder, and Loudest.'"
    Anastacia
    "I am beautiful, famous and gorgeous. I could have any man in the world."
    Anna Kournikova
    "He wanted to make me happy. My wish was his command."
    Anna Nicole Smith
    "Doesn't that hurt?" (on suicide bombers)
    Anna Nicole Smith
    "I'm not crazy, but it's a crazy life. I was raised in a crazy family and it took 31 years to get the crazy out of me."
    Anne Heche
    "What's so beautiful about breasts is their uniqueness. I don't understand the obsession with fakeness. It's a very odd thing, isn't it, to prefer fake and big to small and unique or just beautiful and real."
    Anne Heche
    "I trip and I burp and I fart, like everybody else."
    Britney Spears
    "I don't believe in sex before marriage. I go out with boys, and we kiss, but that's it."
    Britney Spears
    "I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada."
    Britney Spears
    #joke #blonde
    Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 14 February 2011
    • Currently 5.29/10

    Rating: 5.3/10 (17)

    I'm your best friend!

    A man is sitting at the bar in his local tavern, furiously imbibing shots of whiskey. One of his friends happens to come into the bar and sees him. "Lou," says the shocked friend, "what are you doing? I've known you for over fifteen years, and I've never seen you take a drink before. What's going on?"

    Without even taking his eyes off his newly filled shot glass, the man replies, "My wife just ran off with my best friend." He then throws back another shot of whisky in one gulp.

    "But," says the other man, "I'm your best friend!"

    The man turns to his friend, looks at him through bloodshot eyes, smiles, and then slurs, "Not anymore! He is!"

    #joke #drinks #whisky #whiskey
    Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
    • Currently 8.65/10

    Rating: 8.6/10 (17)

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