Jokes of the day for Friday, 01 September 2017
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Friday, 01 September 2017 |
The mother of a problem child
The mother of a problem child was advised by a psychiatrist, "You are far too upset and worried about your son. I suggest you take tranquilizers regularly."On her next visit the psychiatrist asked, "Have the tranquilizers calmed you down?"
"Yes," the boy's mother answered.
"And how is your son now?" the psychiatrist asked.
"Who cares?" the mother replied.
“Receiving a Nobel Pr
“Receiving a Nobel Prize is, nevertheless, a ringing endorsement.”
Another diet craze? Here we go vegan! #joke #short
Geography Class
Teacher: What is the axis of the earth?
Student: The axis of the earth is an imaginary line which passes from one pole to the other, and on which the earth revolves.
Teacher: Very good. Now, could you hang clothes on that line?
Student: Yes, Sir.
Teacher: Indeed, and what sort of clothes?
Student: Imaginary clothes, Sir.
Chuck Norris was originally ca...
Chuck Norris was originally cast as Jack Bauer in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.Whitney Cummings: Silent Treatment
Ladies, next time your man pisses you off, do not give him the silent treatment. Instead, go Google the most important game of the season, sit next to him during that game and just ask as many f**king questions as possible. I dont understand, whos that guy in the striped shirt? Does he work at Foot Locker? I dont understand, why are they all wearing the same outfit? When are we going to have a baby? Eventually he will shoot himself in the face, and you f**king win that argument. When I was married, my wife us...
When I was married, my wife used to call me handsome. As a matter of fact, we are now divorced but she STILL calls me handsome.Every time I have some money, she says, HANDSOME OVER.
Panicked father
After the baby was born, the panicked Japanese father went to see the obstetrician.
"Doctor," he said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine."
"Nonsense," the doctor said. "Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool."
"It isn't possible," the man insisted. "We're pure Asian."
"Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?"
The man seemed ashamed. "I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice a month."
"There you have it!" the doctor said confidently. "It's just rust."
One-Liners
Middle age is when you are warned to slow down by a doctor instead of a policeman.A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.
Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.
An escalator never breaks... it only becomes stairs.
When you get older, lack of pep is often mistaken for patience.
The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.
What will today's younger generation tell their children they had to do "without"?
If you're doing the speed limit, you're in the way.
18 out of 10 schizophrenics agree.
It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.
Bumper Sticker: Excuse me for driving so closely in front of you.
Today is the last day of your life, so far.
No man really becomes a fool until he stops asking questions.
People never grow up; they just learn how to act in public.
One half of the world will never understand the other half and it doesn't matter which half you're in.
I've discovered the whole problem with the National Debt. Most of us work 5 days a week and the government spends 7.
You'll notice that a turtle only makes progress when it sticks out its neck.
No matter how bad it gets, I'm rich at the dollar store.
The tongue must be heavy indeed, because so few people can't hold it.
The minute a man is convinced that he is interesting, he isn't.
If you want to know more about paranoids, follow them around.
Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.
The reason Las Vegas is so crowded is that no one has the plane fare to leave.
14 Cat jokes
What's a cat's favorite book?
The Great Cats-by.
What's a cat's favorite day of the week?
Cat-urday.
Why did the cats ask for a piano?
They wanted to make mew-sic.
What’s a cat’s favorite cereal?
Mice crispies.
What’s a cat’s favorite TV show?
Claw and Order.
If your cat was an artist, what would they paint?
Paw-traits.
What's a cat’s favorite color?
Purr-ple.
If cats taught school, what would they be called?
Purr-fessors.
What's a cat's favorite food?
Paw-sta.
What do you call a cat who loves to bowl?
An alley cat.
How did the lazy kittens work on their school project?
They put in the bare mew-nimum.
What's every kitten’s favorite movie?
The Little Purr-maid.
What's a cat’s favorite dessert?
Chocolate mouse.
Why don’t cats like online shopping?
They prefer cat-alogues.
A doctor is complaining to a mechanic...
A doctor is talking to a car mechanic, "Your fee is several times more per hour then we get paid for medical care." "Yeah, but you see, doc, you have always the same model, it hasn't changed since Adam; but we have to keep up to date with new models coming every month."
Stolen Car
A drunk phoned the police to report that thieves had broken in to his car.
"They've stolen the dashboard, steering wheel, break pedal, even the accelerator," he cried out.
However, before the police investigation could get under way the phone rang a second time, with the same voice came over the line. "Never mind," said the drunk with a hiccup, "I got in the backseat by mistake."
Once there was a golfer whose...
Once there was a golfer whose drive landed on an anthill. Rather than move the ball, he decided to hit it where it lay. He gave a mighty swing. Clouds of dirt and sand and ants exploded from the spot. Everything but the golfball. It sat in the same spot.So he lined up and tried another shot. Clouds of dirt and sand and ants went flying again. The golf ball didn't even wiggle.
Two ants survived. One dazed ant said to the other, "Whoa! What are we going to do?"
Said the other ant: "I don't know about you, but I'm going to get on the ball."
