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Jokes of the day for Saturday, 02 September 2017

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Saturday, 02 September 2017

A man went to the doctor's. T

A man went to the doctor's. The doctor asked what the problem was.
"Well," said the man, "My wife and I aren't getting as much out of sex as we used to, doctor."
"How old are you, Mr Jones?" asked the doctor.
"I'm 87, doctor."
"And how old is your wife, Mr Jones?"
"She's 79, doctor."
"Just a minute," said the doctor, "You are 87 and your wife is 79 and you don't think you are getting as much out of sex as you used to?"
"That's right, doctor."
"When did you discover this?"
"Twice last night and once this morning!"
#joke #doctor
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 7.44/10

Rating: 7.4/10 (9)

Cannibals just e-man-a

Cannibals just e-man-ate something unusual.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 2.86/10

Rating: 2.9/10 (7)

Bowling ball humor...

I worry about the germs in the holes of bowling balls. Nobody cleans those holes. There are years of impacted pizza fingers in there. Taco fingers. Chicken fingers. I'm amazed those balls still have holes. Ever smell a bowling ball hole? You think the balls are knocking down the pins? You're wrong. The pins are passing out from the smell.

-- Carolyn May

#joke #animal #chicken #food #pizza
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 6.53/10

Rating: 6.5/10 (17)

“Receiving a Nobel Pr

“Receiving a Nobel Prize is, nevertheless, a ringing endorsement.”

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Funny puns and jokes - the largest collection of humorous jokes on the internet. New pun added daily.
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (10)

In California Unleaded gas wen

In California Unleaded gas went to $4.00 a gallon last Thursday.
Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making herrounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. Fortunately, anExxon station was just a block away. She walked to the station to borrow agas can and buy some gas.
The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out,but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann was on theway to see a patient, she decided not to wait, and walked back to her car.
She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas, andspotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful,Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline,and carried the full bedpan back to her car.
As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptist ladies watched fromacross the street. One of them turned to the other and said, 'If it starts,I'm turning Catholic.'
#joke #doctor
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 01 June 2017
  • Currently 8.08/10

Rating: 8.1/10 (12)

Qualifying For Heaven

Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.
St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it."
The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate.
St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't *really* need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?"
Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie. "1,228," he answered.
"That's right! You may enter."
St. Peter turned to the lawyer. "Name them."
#joke #lawyer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 01 January 2016
  • Currently 7.13/10

Rating: 7.1/10 (8)

Chuck Norris doesn't mow his l...

Chuck Norris doesn't mow his lawn, he dares his grass to grow.
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 02 September 2011
  • Currently 3.44/10

Rating: 3.4/10 (55)

Brendon Walsh: WMD Penis

My last girlfriend used to call my penis what I thought was a big, powerful, scary nickname. She was calling it a weapon of mass destruction. Sounded cool, but then I found out she was calling it that because she thought my penis was really hard to find.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 02 September 2011
  • Currently 4.76/10

Rating: 4.8/10 (54)

A Roll Of The Dice

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at the craps tables for players when a gorgeous blonde lady wearing a huge fur coat walked in and asked if she could bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.

The dealers said yes and were happy to oblige.

She then said, "I hope you don't mind, but I'll feel much luckier if I take off my coat." With that, she took off her coat and was wearing a skin-tight Wonder-woman outfit!

The men looked her up and down as she leaned over the table, rolled the dice, and yelled, "Come on baby, come on!"

She then jumped up and down, hugging each of the casino dealers while yelling "YES, I WIN! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT, I WIN!!" With that, she picked up her winnings and quickly left.

The dealers stood there staring at each other dumbfounded, until one finally asked the other, "What the heck did she roll anyway?"

The second dealer answered, "I don't know. I thought you were paying attention!"

#joke #blonde
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 02 September 2010
  • Currently 6.41/10

Rating: 6.4/10 (46)

Britney and Christina Work Together

Britney Spears and Christina Aguliera were building a barn. While putting up the inside wall, Britney noticed that Christina was tossing every other nail into the garbage can.

Britney asked Christina, "Why are you throwing those nails away?"

Christina said, "The pointed end is on the wrong end of the nail."

Britney said, "Well, don't throw those away, we can use those on the outside wall!"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 02 September 2013
  • Currently 6.14/10

Rating: 6.1/10 (43)

Turbulent Times

A plane hit a patch of severe turbulence and the passengers were holding on tight as it rocked and reeled through the night. A little old lady turned to a minister who was sitting behind her and said, "You're a man of God. Can't you do something about this?"
He replied, "Sorry, I can't. I'm in sales, not management."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 02 September 2009
  • Currently 7.26/10

Rating: 7.3/10 (42)

Bike

A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives to be civilized and kind to each other when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.

So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."
The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."
Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."
The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.
The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, "Man riding a bike."
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them both..
The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?
The chief replied, "My bike."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 20 September 2012
  • Currently 5.44/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (9)

A Dollar for Sunday School

A little boy came home eating a big candy bar. Seeing the candy bar, his mother remembered he had already spent all his allowance money. Surprised, she asked him where he got it. "I bought it at the store with the dollar you gave me," he said."But that dollar was for Sunday School," his mother replied. Smiling, the boy said, "I know, Mom, but the Pastor met me at the door and got me in for free!"
#joke #food #eating #mother #mom
Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
  • Currently 8.85/10

Rating: 8.9/10 (20)

My wife found a way...

My wife found a way to hide her candy from the guys at work.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 18 October 2015
  • Currently 7.54/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (13)

Holy Family in a Plane

A Sunday school teacher asked her students to draw a picture of Jesus' family. After collecting the drawings, she noticed that one little boy's drawing depicted an airplane with four heads sticking out of the windows. "I see you drew three heads to show Joseph, Mary and Jesus," she said to the boy. "But who does the fourth head belong to?"
The boy replied, "That's Pontius the pilot."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 17 July 2015
  • Currently 8.44/10

Rating: 8.4/10 (9)

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