Jokes of the day for Saturday, 17 February 2018

Jon left for a two day busines...

Jon left for a two day business trip to Chicago. He was only a few blocks away from his house when he realized he'd left his plane ticket on top of his dresser. He turned around and headed back to the house. He quietly entered the door, walked into the kitchen. He saw his wife washing the breakfast dishes, wearing her skimpiest negligee.
She looked so good that he tiptoed up behind her, reached out, and squeezed her left tit.
"Leave only one quart of milk," she said. "Jon won't be here for breakfast tomorrow."

Question And Answer Blond Jokes

Q: What do you call a basement full of blondes?
A: A whine cellar.
Q: What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel?
A: An Air Bag.
Q: What do you call a blonde between two brunettes?
A: A mental block.
Q: What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel.
Q: What do you call 15 blondes in a circle?
A: A dope ring.
Q: What do you call an unmarried blond in a BMW?
A: Divorcee'
Q: What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
A: Pregnant.

Bubbles and Barbie, two blonde...

Bubbles and Barbie, two blonde sisters had promisedtheir Uncle, who had been a seafaring gentleman allhis life, to bury him at sea when he died.
Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the twoblondes kept their promise. They set off fromClearwater Beach with their uncle all stitched up ina burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat.
After a while Bubbles says, 'Do you think we're outfar enough, Barbie?' Barbie slipped over the sideandfinding the water only knee deep said, 'nope, notyet Bubbles'. So they row a little farther.... AgainBubbles asks Barbie, 'Do you think were out farenough now? Once again Barbie slips over the sideand almost immediately says, 'No, this will neverdo, the water is only up to my chest.'
So on they row and row and row, and finally Barbieslips over the side and disappears. Quite a bit oftime goes by and poor Bubbles is really gettingworried when suddenly Barbie breaks the surfacegasping for breath. 'Well is it deep enough yet,Sis?'
'Yes, finally. Hand me the shovel.'

Let There Be Light

I was sitting at a bar and asked the bartender where I could find a prostitute.
He told me to go to the back door, down the dark alley and give the woman there 20 bucks.
So I go outside and hand a 20 to the woman there and started getting busy. After a few minutes, a cop walks past and shines a flashlight on us and says 'What the hell are you doing?'
I said 'Having sex with my wife.' He said 'I'm sorry, I didn't realize that was your wife.'
and I said, 'Neither did I till you shined a light on her.'

I have problems with...

“I have problems with math but with chemistry, I have solutions.”

Computer humor...

The tech asked her if she was 'running it under Windows.' The woman then responded, 'No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine.'

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Tech Support: 'How much free space do you have on your hard drive?'
Customer: 'Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?'

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Tech Support: 'Ok Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen.

Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager.'

Customer: 'I don't have a 'P'.'

Tech Support: 'On your keyboard, Bob.'

Customer: 'What do you mean?'

Tech Support: ''P' on your keyboard, Bob.'

Customer: 'I'm not going to do that!'

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Overheard in a computer shop:

Customer: 'I'd like a mouse pad, please.'

Salesperson: 'Certainly sir, we've got a large variety.'

Customer: 'But will they be compatible with my computer?'

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I once received a fax with a note on the bottom to fax the document back to the sender when I was finished with it, because he needed to keep it.

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Customer: 'Can you copy the Internet for me on this diskette?'

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I work for a local ISP. Frequently we receive phone calls that go something like this:

Customer: 'Hi. Is this the Internet?'

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Some people pay for their online services with checks made payable to 'The Internet.'

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Customer: 'So that'll get me connected to the Internet, right?'

Tech Support: 'Yeah.'

Customer: 'And that's the latest version of the Internet, right?

Tech Support: 'Uhh...uh...uh...yeah.'

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Tech Support: 'All right...now double-click on the File Manager Icon.'

Customer: 'That's why I hate this Windows...because of the icons. I'm a Protestant, and I don't believe in icons.'

Tech Support: 'Well, that's just an industry term sir. I don't believe it was meant to-'

Customer: 'I don't care about any 'Industry Terms'. I don't believe in icons.'

Tech Support: 'Well...why don't you click on the 'little picture' of a file cabinet...is 'little picture' ok?'

Customer: [click]

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Customer: 'My computer crashed!'

Tech Support: 'It crashed?'

Customer: 'Yeah, it won't let me play my game.'

Tech Support: 'All right, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot.'

Customer: 'No, it didn't crash-it crashed.'

Tech Support: 'Huh?'

Customer: 'I crashed my game. That's what I said before. Now it doesn't work.'

(Turned out, the user was playing Lunar Lander and crashed his spaceship.)

Tech Support: 'Click on 'File,' then 'New Game.''

Customer: [pause] 'Wow! How'd you learn how to do that?'

Slept with

An old couple were talking. The wife asked her husband, "How many women have you slept with?"

"Only you, Darling,” the man replied proudly. “With all the others I was awake."

Whenever John wanted to have s...

Whenever John wanted to have sex he would say to Mary "Lets do some laundry, honey".

Well one day Mary felt horny so she said to John "Honey, how about doing some laundry?"

John replied "No thanks honey, I only had a small load so I did it by hand.

The Jewish Boy and the Muslim Boy

David, a Jewish boy, and Ali, a Muslim boy, are having a conversation.
Ali: I'm getting operated on tomorrow.
David: Oh? What are they going to do?
Ali: Circumcise me!
David: I had that done when I was just a few days old.
Ali: Did it hurt?
David: I couldn't walk for a year!

Grandpa and Grandpa...

Grandpa and Grandpa were sitting in their porch rockers watching the beautiful sunset and reminiscing about "the good days," when Grandma turned to Grandpa and said, "Honey, do you remember when we first started dating and you used to just casually reach over and take my hand?"

Grandpa looked over at her, smiled and took her aged hand in his. With a wry little smile Grandma pressed a little farther, "Honey, do you remember how after we were engaged you'd sometimes lean over and suddenly kiss me on the cheek?"

Grandpa leaned slowly toward Grandma and gave her a lingering kiss on her wrinkled cheek.

Growing bolder still, Grandma said, "Honey, do you remember how, after we were first married, you'd kind of nibble on my ear?"

Grandpa slowly got up from his rocker and headed into the house. Alarmed, Grandma said, "Honey, where are you going?"

Grandpa replied, "To get my teeth!"

A perfect shot

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity; looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed and driving his partner nuts.

Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball." The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."

"Forget it, you don't stand a chance of hitting your wife from here."

Found on http://www.annualpartee.com/humor.shtml - Golf Jokes and Cartoons web site, posted on April 2005.

Ms. Ciccone

Was Ms. Ciccone snooty even before she became famous?

The Sailor and the computer

A retired sailor purchased a computer and began to learn all about computing. Being a sailor, he was used to addressing his ships as "She" or "Her". But was unsure what was proper for computers.

To solve his dilemma, he set up two groups of computer experts: one group was male, and the other group was female.

The group of women reported that computers should be refereed to as "HE" because:

1. In order to get their attention you have to turn them on. 2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless. 3. They are supposed to help you solve problems but half the time they are the problem. 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realise that if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a newer and better model.

The group of men reported that computers should be refered to as "SHE" because:

1. No one but the creator understands their logic. 2. The native language they use to talk to other computers is incomprehensible to anyone else. 3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for later retrieval. 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

A Puzzle for Darwin

On the sixth day, God created the platypus. And God said: Let's see the evolutionists try and figure this one out.

Pimp

Q: What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm?

A: A pimp.

Submitted by Curtis

Edited by calamjo