Jokes of the day for Saturday, 03 March 2018

A sadist, a masochist, a zooph

A sadist, a masochist, a zoophile, a necrophile, a pyro, and a murderer are bored.
Suddenly, the zoophile says, "let's have sex with a cat."
The sadist says, "let's have sex with a cat and then torture it."
The murderer says, "let's have sex with the cat, torture it, then kill it."
The necrophile says, "let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, then have sex with it again."
The pyro is really excited and says, "let's do all that and then burn the shit out of it when we finish."
They turn to the masochist who has been quiet this whole time . Finally, he says, "meow."

 Business One-liners 116

Gumperson's Law: The probability of a given event occurring is inversely proportional to its desirability.
H. L. Mencken's Law: Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach. Martin's Extension: Those who cannot teach, administrate.
Hacker's Law: The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir a nation to action is one of mankind's oldest illusions.
Hall's Laws of Politics: 1) The voters want fewer taxes and more spending. 2) Citizens want honest politicians until they want something fixed. 3) Constituency drives out consistency (i.e., liberals defend military spending, and conservatives social spending in their own districts).
Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.
Hanson's Treatment of Time: There are never enough hours in a day, but always too many days before Saturday.
Harp's Corollary To Estridge's Law: Your "IBM PC-compatible" computer grows more incompatible with every passing moment.

Nice cheeks

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, 'Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you.'

'My darling,' he replied, 'I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.

I went to a creepy d...

“I went to a creepy dermatologist the other day. He made my skin crawl.”

Oldest profession....

A doctor, an engineer, and a politician were arguing as to which profession was older.

"Well," argued the doctor, "without a physician mankind could not have survived, so I am sure that mine is the oldest profession."

"No," said the engineer, "before life began there was complete chaos, and it took an engineer to create some semblance of order from this chaos. So engineering is older."

"But," chirped the triumphant politician, "who created the chaos?"

Moses on His Walkie Talkie

Nine year old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned at Sunday school.
"Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt.
"When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely.
"Then he used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved."
"Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked.
"Well, no. But if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"

Once there was a man with an e...

Once there was a man with an extremely large penis, but, unfortunately, he also had a terrible stuttering problem, so he could never get a girlfriend. So he went to the doctor one day and said to him that he wanted something done about his stutter. The doctor replied that he would have to take off his penis to relieve him of the stutter. After a while the man agreed and had his penis removed.

After the operation he was a smooth talker, but now he couldn't get laid because he had no penis. So he returned to the doctor and tells him he would like to have his penis back, because he has a better chance of getting laid with a stutter than with no penis.

The doctor replies, "S-s-sorry s-s-sir, b-b-but I c-c-can't d-d-do th-th-that."

For two solid hours, the lady ...

For two solid hours, the lady sitting next to a man on an airplane had told him about her grandchildren. She had even produced a plastic-foldout photo album of all nine of the children.

She finally realized that she had dominated the entire conversation on her grandchildren.

"Oh, I've done all the talking, and I'm so sorry. I know you certainly have something to say. Please, tell me... what do you think of my grandchildren?"

Did you hear about the new com...

Did you hear about the new computer virus?
It's called the "Lorena Bobbit Virus".
Apparently, it turns your hard drive into a 3 1/2 inch floppy!

Unusual affair

Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar.

His first friend says, “I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren’t mine.”

His second friend says, “I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn’t mine.”

Paddy says, “I think my wife is having an affair with a horse.”

Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief.

“No, I’m serious,” Paddy says. “The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed.”

A man and a woman started to h...

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!"
The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"

Coffee?

Coffee? Oh, you mean my survival juice?

Justice jokes

17 July is Day of International Criminal Justice. Raise awareness, and laugh with some jokes!

Justice is a dish best served cold because...
...if it were served warm, it would be justwater.

Today I gave up my seat on the bus to a blind person.
I was also fired from my job as a bus driver, no justice for the kind hearted in this world.

The attorney tells the accused, "I have some good news and some bad news."
"What’s the bad news?" asks the accused.
"The bad news is, your blood is all over the crime scene, and the DNA tests prove you did it."
"What’s the good news?"
"Your cholesterol level is good."

Attorney: "How was your first marriage terminated?"
Witness: "By death."
Attorney: "And by whose death was it terminated?"
Witness: "Guess."

Dwayne Kennedy: Hard Working Mexicans

Mexicans work hard, brother. They work harder than everybody. Mexicans have the strongest work ethic on earth. If Mexicans had been slaves, slavery wouldve been over real quick because theyd have done 300 hours of work in about nine hours and still have time for a soccer game.

A couple, the Browns, decide t...

A couple, the Browns, decide to find a therapist to spice up their love life. They finally decide on one that advertises he won't take your money unless he can help. They go to the appointment and have lengthy physical and psychological exams.
They meet the therapist and he says, "I believe I can help you". The Browns are ecstatic and listen intently.
He says to them, "Tonight, on your way home, I want you to stop at the grocery and buy grapes and donuts. When you get home I want you to both undress in the living room. Sir, I want you to roll the grapes on the floor with your nose, all the way across the room and into your wife's crotch. Then madam, I want you to take the donuts and see how many ringers you can score on your husband".
They call back in a few days to say their new games have really spiced things up. The Brown's are so happy, they tell their friends, the Smiths about it.
So they go to see the therapist. The therapist meets with them and says, "I'm sorry I cannot take your money as I cannot help you". They beg and beg, and finally the therapist gives in...
"On your way home tonight I want you to stop at the grocery and by apples and cheerios".