Jokes of the day for Friday, 23 March 2018
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Friday, 23 March 2018 |
My dog sleeps about 20 hours a...
My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day.He has his food prepared for him. He can eat whenever he wants, 24/7/365. His meals are provided at no cost to him.
He visits the doctor once a year for his checkup, and again during the year if any medical needs arise.
For this he pays nothing, and nothing is required of him.
He lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than he needs, but he is not required to do any upkeep.
If he makes a mess, someone else cleans it up. He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep.
He receives these accommodations absolutely free. He is living like a king, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever.
I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a ton of bricks!
My dog is a Democrat!
Private Audience With the Holy Mother
After a long life of unselfish service, Father John O'Malley died and went to heaven. St. Peter met him at the gate and said: "John, you did such a wonderful job for us on earth, we'd like to do something special for you. You name it; it's yours." John thought for a moment and said: "I'd like a private audience with the Holy Mother." St. Peter told him it would be arranged.On the appointed day, St. Peter escorted John to the Holy Mother's sanctuary. John went before Her, knelt, and said: "Holy Mother, I've always looked to You for guidance, and You have granted me peace and serenity through some difficult times. But I have one question that has nagged me during my whole time on earth. In all the paintings that were done of you, and in all the sculptures that were carved of you, you always looked so sad. Why is that?" Mary thought for a moment, pursing her lips. She said: "I always wanted a girl."There were two old geezers liv...
There were two old geezers living in thebackwoods of the Ozarks...Rufus and Clarence.They lived on opposite sides of the river, andthey hated each other. Every morning, just aftersun-up, Rufus and Clarence would go down totheir respective sides of the river and yellat each other"Rufus!!" Clarence would shout. "You better thank yor lucky starsI cain't swim...er I'd swim this river and whup your butt!!"
"Clarence!!!" Rufus would holler back. "You better thank YOURlucky stars that I cain't swim...er I'd swim this river and knockyour head off!!!"
This happened every morning for twenty years.One day the Army Corps of Engineers comes along and build a bridge.Still, every morning, every day for another five years this yellingacross the river goes on, even with the bridge.
Finally... Mrs. Rufus had had enough. "Rufus!" she squallersone day. "I cain't take no more!! Ever day for 25 yearsyou've been threatenin' to whup Clarence. Well, there's the bridge...have at it."
Rufus thought for a moment. Chewed his bottom lip for another moment."Woman!" he declared, snapping his suspenders into place, "I'm gonnacross that thar bridge and I'm gonna whup Clarence's butt!!!"He walked out the door, down to the river, along the riverbank,came to the bridge, stepped up onto the bridge, walked abouthalfway over the bridge, looked up...
TURNED TAIL AND RAN SCREAMING BACK TO THE HOUSE,SLAMMED THE DOOR, BOLTED THE WINDOWS,GRABBED THE SHOTGUN AND DOVE,PANTING AND GASPING, UNDER THE BED!!!
"Rufus!" cried to the misses. "I thought you wuz gonna whup Clarence's butt!!!"
"I was, woman, I was!!" he whispered.
"Rufus!" cried the misses. "What in tarnation is the matter?"
"Well," muttered the terror-stricken Rufus, " I went to the bridge...I stepped up on the bridge...walked halfway over the bridge...looked up..."
"And?" asked Mrs. Rufus, breathless with suspense.
"And," continued Rufus, "I saw a sign that said"Clearance, 13 feet, 6 inches" he ain't neverlooked that big from the other side of the river!!!
Scary Collection 20
A vampire jokeWhat does a vampire say to the mirror?
Terror, terror on the wall...!
A skeleton joke
How do skeletons call their friends?
On the telebone!
A skeleton joke
Why are skeletons so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin!
A werewolf joke
Mummy, mummy what's a werewolf?
Be quiet and brush your face!
A werewolf joke
What parting gift did the werewolf parents give to their son when he left home?
A comb!
A witch joke
What is evil, ugly and goes at 125 mph?
A witch on a high speed train!
A skeleton joke
What's a skeleton's favourite musical instrument?
A trom-bone!
Old is when...
Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer, 'Honey, I can't do both!'Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
'Getting a little action' means, 'I don't need to take any fiber today.'
'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot.
You start saying things like, 'Gee, this sebaceous cyst is killing me!'
Someone mistakes you for a sun-dried tomato while you're shopping at the grocery store.
An 'all nighter' means not getting up to pee!
Graduation Speech
When my son graduated from high school, he had to give a speech. He began by reading from his prepared text.
'I want to talk about my mother and the wonderful influence she has had on my life,' he told the audience. 'She is a shining example of parenthood, and I love her more than words could ever do justice.'
At this point he seemed to struggle for words. After a pause, he looked up with a sly grin and said, 'Sorry, but it's really hard to read my mother's handwriting.'
What do you call a person that...
What do you call a person that speaks 3 languages?"Trilingual"
What do you call a person that speaks 2 languages?
"Bilingual"
What do you call a person that speaks 1 language?
"American"
Taxes
A Dutchman was explaining the red, white and blue Netherlands flag to an American.
"Our flag is symbolic of our taxes. We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bills, and blue after we pay them."
The American nodded. "It's the same in the USA only we see stars too!"
The Twenty and the One
A well-worn one dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired. As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation.
The twenty dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the county. "I've had a pretty good life," the twenty proclaimed. "Why I've been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City, the finest restaurants in New York, performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean.""Wow!" said the one dollar bill. "You've really had an exciting life!"
"So tell me," says the twenty, "where have you been throughout your lifetime?"
The one dollar bill replies, "Oh, I've been to the Methodist Church, the Baptist Church, the Lutheran Church ..."
The twenty dollar bill interrupts, "What's a church?"
Dov Davidoff: Dressing Up Like a Referee
I like to dress up as a referee and walk into a Foot Locker. You gotta try this. It freaks them out. They get all insecure. The guys like, Wait a second, can I help you? I was like, Can I help you, man? I, too, am a referee. Maybe we could work it out together. And then someone will ask me for a size 10, and Ill be like, Do I look like I work here, chief? Times Change
"I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford.
Then I want to move in with them."
A man was walking along a Cali...
A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp.He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said "OK, OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!"
The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive my car there?"
The genie laughed , "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete-how much steel! And the maintenance of that bridge! No - think of another wish."
The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish.
Finally, he said, "I'm married to a redhead. So, I wish that I could understand her... know how she feels inside and what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment...... know what she really wants when she says 'nothing'... know how to make her truly happy......I want to know how she can be so damn sexy one second and be the devils daughter, the next. I really want to understand her and how she thinks!"
The genie said, "You want that bridge with two lanes or four?"
