Jokes of the day for Saturday, 23 June 2018
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Saturday, 23 June 2018 |
10. I Hate Every Bone In Her B
10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman But I've WokeUp With A Few
8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me
7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'
6. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm ScaredShe'd Win
5. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here
4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him
3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger
2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer
And the Number One Country & Western song is...
1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That ChewedMy Ass All Day
Strange Grants Given
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.
LOS ANGELES TIMES, September 14:
According to a database maintained by Academic Guidance Services, there are 3,000 scholarships earmarked for golf caddies, newspaper carriers, glee clubbers, and band members.
Juanita College in Pennsylvania gives grants to needy left-handers.
Parents whose children were born on June 12, 1979 can plan ahead to apply for a scholarship to the Rochester Institute of Technology in honor of the school's 150th anniversary.
Bucknell University gives grants to students who do not use alcohol, tobacco, or narcotics and don't engage in strenuous activities.
A judge in Seattle uses the fines he collects from prostitutes to finance scholarships for their reformed sisters who want to return to school.
Hymns for All Professions
Dentist's Hymn: Crown Him with Many CrownsWeatherman's Hymn: There Shall Be Showers of BlessingsContractor's Hymn: The Church's One FoundationTailor's Hymn: Holy, Holy, HolyGolfer's Hymn: There's a Green Hill Far AwayPolitician's Hymn: Standing on the PromisesOptometrist's Hymn: Open My Eyes That I Might SeeIRS Agent's Hymn: I Surrender AllGossip's Hymn: Pass It OnElectrician's Hymn: Send The LightShopper's Hymn: Sweet By and ByRealtor's Hymn: I've Got a Mansion, Just Over the HilltopMassage Therapist's Hymn: He Touched MeDoctor's Hymn: The Great PhysicianA Lawyer Goes To Heaven
A lawyer dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself at the Pearly Gates.
A brass band is playing, the angels are singing a beautiful hymn, there is a huge crowd cheering and shouting his name, and absolutely everyone wants to shake his hand.
Just when he thinks things can't possibly get any better, Saint Peter himself runs over, apologizes for not greeting him personally at the Pearly Gates, shakes his hand, and says, 'Congratulations son, we've been waiting a long time for you.'
Totally confused and a little embarrassed, the lawyer sheepishly looks at Saint Peter and says 'Saint Peter, I tried to lead a God-fearing life, I loved my family, I tried to obey the 10 Commandments, but congratulations for what? I honestly don't remember doing anything really special when I was alive.'
'Congratulations for what?' says Saint Peter, totally amazed at the man's modesty.
'We're celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old! God himself wants to see you!'
The lawyer is awestruck and can only look at Saint Peter with his mouth wide open.
When he regains his power of speech, he looks up at Saint Peter and says 'Saint Peter, I lived my life in the eternal hope that when I died I would be judged by God and be found to be worthy, but I only lived to be forty.'
'That's simply impossible son,' says Saint Peter. 'We've added up your time sheets.'
Three women go down to Mexico...
Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation. They get drunk and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words. She says, "I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent." They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.
The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words. "I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent." They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her.
The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from the University of Texas and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell ya right now, ya'll ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in."
Marriage counseling....
A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up.
"Oh, we'll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship," the wife explained. "He was a communications major in college, and I majored in theater arts. He communicates really well, and I just act as if I'm listening."
If Chuck Norris gave a mouse a...
If Chuck Norris gave a mouse a cookie, it would probably ask for some milk. Then Chuck Norris would roundhouse kick that ungrateful little rodent so hard, it would lose it's appetite for cookies. Permanently.Some Things You Just Cant Explain
A farmer was sitting in the neighborhood bar getting hammered.
A man came in and asked the farmer, 'Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day, getting drunk?'
The farmer shook his head and replied, 'Some things you just can't explain.'
'So what happened that's so horrible?' the man asked as he sat down next to the farmer.
'Well,' the farmer said, 'today I was sitting by my cow, milking her.
Just as I got the bucket 'bout full, she lifted her left leg and kicked over the bucket.'
'Okay,' said the man, 'but that's not so bad.' 'Some things you just can't explain,' the farmer replied.
'So what happened then?' the man asked. The farmer said, 'I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.'
'And then?' 'Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her.
Just as I got the bucket 'bout full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket.'
Man laughed and said, 'Again?' The farmer replied, 'Some things you just can't explain.'
'So, what did you do then?' the man asked. 'I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right.'
'And then?' 'Well, I sat back down and began milking her again.
Just as I got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.'
'Hmmm . . . ' the man said and nodded his head. 'Some things you just can't explain,' the farmer said.
'So, what did you do?' the man asked.
'Well,' the farmer said, 'I didn't have anymore rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter.
In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in . . . Some things you just can't explain.'
Gabriel Iglesias: The Only Big Friend Argument
When you have nothing but big friends, you never get into arguments -- except one. And that is, who is the biggest? Ill let you know right now, theres only one way to settle this. We all get in a bus and we go to Disney and we get on a roller coaster -- whoever gets the least amount of clicks on the safety bar is the big one. 
Toothbrush
Where was the toothbrush invented?Mississippi.
If it would've been invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teeth brush.
Riding Nun’s
Two nuns are riding their bikes down the back streets of Rome.
One says breathlessly, "I've never come this way before!"
To which the other replies, "It's the cobblestones."
They Do Look Alike
My sister was busy getting ready to host our entire family for Easter. On her to-do list was a hair appointment for her daughter.
"So, Katie," said the stylist as the little girl got up in the chair, "who’s coming to your house this weekend with big ears and floppy feet?"
Katie replied, "I think it’s my Uncle Brian."
Scripture?
An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening church service when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the burglar red-handed, and yelled, "Stop! Acts 2:38 (meaning, repent and be baptized...)!"
The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. The woman then calmly called the police and explained what she had done.
As the officer cuffed the burglar, he asked, "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you."
"Scripture?" replied the burglar, "I thought she said she had an axe and two 38's!"
