Jokes of the day for Sunday, 08 July 2018

Three guys enter a club one ni

Three guys enter a club one night, whilst sitting down, sipping on their drinks, a stripper comes over and offers a lap dance.
One of the guys decides to show off to his friends so he takes out a £10 note, licks it and sticks it on one of the stripper's bum cheeks.
The other guy, not wanting to feel left out take a £50 note and also licks it and sticks it on the stripper's other bum cheek.
The last guy, being so drunk, takes out his credit card instead and swipes it down the stripper's butt crack, takes both the money and runs out of the door.

New-Fangled Ideas

An elderly priest was speaking to a younger priest. "You had a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theatre seats. It worked like a charm! The front of the church always fills first now."As the young priest nodded, the old priest continued, “You also told me to assign a little more beat to the music because it would bring young people back to church. So, I supported you when you bought in that rock ‘n’ roll Gospel choir. Now, our services are consistently packed.“"Thank you, Father," answered the young priest. "I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth.""All of these ideas have been well and good," said the elderly priest. "But, I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional." "But Father," protested the young priest. "My confessions and donations have nearly doubled since I began that!""Yes," replied, the elderly priest. "I appreciate that, but the flashing neon sign, ‘Toot 'n’ Tell or Go to Hell’ cannot stay on the church roof!"- Joke shared by Beliefnet member Lchunkylady

Comedy by the Numbers

8 comedians were sitting around at the 2nd floor bar of the Friars Club when a new young Friar wannabe comedian sat down and joined them.

One of the older comedians turned to the others and yelled out the number 12.

The other seven comedians burst out laughing. Then another of the comedians yelled out 4 and again the other comedians burst out laughing. A few minutes later another comedian yelled out the number three and once again the other comedians burst out laughing

The new wannabe comedian asked why you are calling out numbers and what’s so funny about it.

The first all the comedian said, they are not random numbers, we just all know the same jokes. So, after a while we started giving them numbers, and instead of telling the joke those numbers are enough to remind us of the joke instead of telling it.

The new friar wanting to fit in turns to the others and yells out six. But instead of getting laughter a dead silence falls upon the table. The new friar turns to the first comedian and said what’s wrong why did I get any laughs.

He answered, you didn’t tell it right

“The man that pointed

“The man that pointed out the burning building was a fire distinguisher.”

 Where Is This Place?

A man and his wife were driving their Recreational Vehicle across the country and were nearing a town spelled Kissimee. They noted the strange spelling and tried to figure how to pronounce it - KISS-a-me; kis-A-me; kis-a-ME. They grew more perplexed as they drove into the town.
Since they were hungry, they pulled into a place to get something to eat. At the counter, the man said to the waitress:
"My wife and I can't seem to be able to figure out how to pronounce this place. Will you tell me where we are and say it very slowly so that I can understand."
The waitress looked at him and said: "Buuurrrgerrr Kiiiinnnng."

When the store manager returne

When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk had some very good news for him.
"Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!"
"Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?!" the manager asked.
"That's the one!"
"That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me, why is your hand bandaged?"
"Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his seeing-eye dog bit me."

Putt...

A teacher was taking her first golf lesson.

"Is the word spelled 'put' or 'putt'?" she asked the instructor.

"'Putt' is correct," he replied.

"'Put' means to place a thing where you want it. 'Putt' means a klutzy but unsuccessful attempt to do the same thing."

Do Your Boobs?

One day this guy named Dan was sitting in class next to a really hot girl named Jen. He was a dork but had a huge chrush on Jen. Dan wanted to tell her about his chrush on her but didn't know how to. So he said "Are your boobs so hard that when you touch them your fingers start bleeding?"

Jen was totally grossed out and said in reply "I guess you've never seen boobs before" **The End**

First hand job

A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and finally she agrees to go out with him.

He takes her to a nice restaurant and buys her a fancy dinner with expensive wine.

On the way home, he pulls over to the side of the road in a secluded spot.

They start necking and he's getting pretty excited. He starts to reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she's a virgin and wants to stay that way.

"Well, okay," he says, "how about a blow job?"

"Yuck!" she screams. "I'm not putting that thing in my mouth!"

He says, "Well, then, how about a hand job?"

"I've never done that," she says. "What do I have to do?"

"Well," he answers, "remember when you were a kid and you used to shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it?"

She nods.

"Well, it's just like that."

So, he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it.

A few seconds later, his head flops back on the headrest, his eyes close, snot starts to run out of his nose, wax blows out of his ear and he screams out in pain.

"What's wrong?!" she cries out.

"Take your thumb off the end!!"

Chuck Norris' favourite cut of...

Chuck Norris' favourite cut of meat is the roundhouse.

Hamburger

A man walks into a hamburger shop and orders a regular meal. Later, the waitress brings his meal to him. He takes a bite out of it, and notices there's a small hair in the hamburger. He begins yelling frantically at the waitress, "Waitress, there's a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what is going on!"
So, the waitress takes him back where the cook is and to his demise, he sees the cook take the meat patty and flatten it under his arm pit. He says, "That's disgusting!"
Then the waitress says, "You think that's disgusting you should see him make donuts."

Ben Bailey: Slow People in the Subway

The thing I hate the most about the subway is every time I get off the train and Im trying to get out of the station and back up to the street, I end up getting stuck behind these really slow people on the stairs. It happens to me every time I take the subway. Its been happening to me for years. And my question is this: how the hell do they keep beating me to the stairway?

A little girl asked her father...

A little girl asked her father:
"How did the human race appear?"
The father answered, "God made Adam and Eve;
they had children; and so was all mankind made."
Two days later the girl asked her mother the same question.
The mother answered,
"Many years ago there were monkeys from
which the human race evolved."
The confused girl returned to her father and said,
"Dad, how is it possible that you told me the
human race was created by God,
and Mom said they developed from monkeys?"
The father answered,
"Well, Dear, it is very simple.
I told you about my side of the family,
and your mother told you about hers."

Returning home from work, a bl...

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once a nd reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!'

A husband is advised by a psyc...

A husband is advised by a psychiatrist to assert himself. "You don't have to let your wife henpeck you! Go home and show her you are the boss!"

Of course, the husband takes the doctor's advice. He rushes home, slams the door, shakes his fist in his wife's face, and growls, "From now on, you're taking orders from me! I want my supper right now and when you get it on the table, go upstairs and lay out my best clothes. Tonight, I'm going out with the boys and you are going to stay at home where you belong! And another thing... guess who's going to comb my hair, give me a shave, and tie my necktie?"

His redheaded wife says calmly, "The undertaker."