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Jokes of the day for Monday, 09 July 2018

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 09 July 2018

An elderly gentleman of 85 fea...

An elderly gentleman of 85 feared his wife was getting hard of hearing. So one day he called her doctor to make an appointment to have her hearing checked. The Doctor made an appointment for a hearing test in two weeks, and meanwhile there's a simple informal test the husband could do to give the doctor some idea of the state of her problem.
"Here's what you do," said the doctor, "start out about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he's in the living room. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."
Then in a normal tone he asks, "Honey, what's for supper?" No response.
So the husband moved to the other end of the room, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for supper?" Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for supper?" Again he gets no response.
So he walks up to the kitchen door, only 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?" Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for supper?"
"Damn it Earl, for the fifth time, CHICKEN!"
#joke #doctor #animal #chicken #food #dinner #honey
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 9.00/10

Rating: 9.0/10 (5)

“I took a chance on a

“I took a chance on a used food processor, but no dice.”

#joke #short #food
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Funny puns and jokes - the largest collection of humorous jokes on the internet. New pun added daily.
  • Currently 4.25/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (4)

 Chemistry Song 12


I Saw Teacher Kissing Santa Chlorine
I saw teacher kissing Santa Chlorine
under the chemistree last night
They didn't sneak me down the periodic chart
to take a peek
At all the atoms reacting in their beakers;
it was neat.
And I saw teacher kissing Santa Chlorine
under the chemistree so bright
Oh what a reaction there would have been
if the principal had walked in
With teacher kissing Santa Chlorine last night.

#joke
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (3)

New-Fangled Ideas

An elderly priest was speaking to a younger priest. "You had a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theatre seats. It worked like a charm! The front of the church always fills first now."As the young priest nodded, the old priest continued, “You also told me to assign a little more beat to the music because it would bring young people back to church. So, I supported you when you bought in that rock ‘n’ roll Gospel choir. Now, our services are consistently packed.“"Thank you, Father," answered the young priest. "I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth.""All of these ideas have been well and good," said the elderly priest. "But, I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional." "But Father," protested the young priest. "My confessions and donations have nearly doubled since I began that!""Yes," replied, the elderly priest. "I appreciate that, but the flashing neon sign, ‘Toot 'n’ Tell or Go to Hell’ cannot stay on the church roof!"- Joke shared by Beliefnet member Lchunkylady
#joke #father
Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
  • Currently 6.50/10

Rating: 6.5/10 (4)

Comedy by the Numbers

8 comedians were sitting around at the 2nd floor bar of the Friars Club when a new young Friar wannabe comedian sat down and joined them.

One of the older comedians turned to the others and yelled out the number 12.

The other seven comedians burst out laughing. Then another of the comedians yelled out 4 and again the other comedians burst out laughing. A few minutes later another comedian yelled out the number three and once again the other comedians burst out laughing

The new wannabe comedian asked why you are calling out numbers and what’s so funny about it.

The first all the comedian said, they are not random numbers, we just all know the same jokes. So, after a while we started giving them numbers, and instead of telling the joke those numbers are enough to remind us of the joke instead of telling it.

The new friar wanting to fit in turns to the others and yells out six. But instead of getting laughter a dead silence falls upon the table. The new friar turns to the first comedian and said what’s wrong why did I get any laughs.

He answered, you didn’t tell it right

#joke
Joke | Source: Friars Club - For over 25 years the Sunshine Committee has been providing entertainment, companionship and love to children's and senior citizens centers in the NY area.
  • Currently 1.57/10

Rating: 1.6/10 (7)

When the store manager returne

When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk had some very good news for him.
"Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!"
"Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?!" the manager asked.
"That's the one!"
"That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me, why is your hand bandaged?"
"Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his seeing-eye dog bit me."
#joke #animal #dog #food #lunch
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 13 May 2017
  • Currently 8.73/10

Rating: 8.7/10 (11)

Polar Bear

2 polarbers are walking around in the artic. a father and son pair. The son looks at the father and says, " Dad i got a question, are u sure I am 100% polarbear?". The father looks at his son and says, "Yes son your 100% polar bear"

"OK" the son says

They keep walking and about 20 min later the son again says: "Are you sure I am 100% polarbear?" The father again says, "Yes son you're 100% polar bear"

"OK" the son says

Then about 30 min later the son says, "OK dad be serious are you sure I am 100% polarbear are You sure there is no blackbear or grizzly bar in me??" "Yes son your 100% polarbear, I am 100% polarbear and so is your monther. Why do u keep asking son?" The son says, "Well I dont know about u but I am freezing"

#joke #animal #bear #father
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 15 July 2015
  • Currently 4.88/10

Rating: 4.9/10 (8)

Chuckie Chicken

An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The ticket girl said, "Sir, what is that on your shoulder?"

The old farmer said, "That is my pet rooster, Chuckie. Wherever I go, Chuckie goes."

"I'm sorry, Sir," said the ticket girl, "We can't allow animals in the theater. Not even a pet chicken."

The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the chicken down his pants. He returned to the booth, bought a ticket and entered the theater. He sat down next to two old emergency room nurses named Mildred and Marge.

The movie started and the chicken began to squirm. The old farmer un-zipped his pants so Chuckie could stick his head out and watch the movie.

"Marge," whispered Mildred.

"What?" said Marge.

"I think the guy next to me is a pervert."

"What makes you think so?" asked Marge.

"He unzipped his pants and he has his thing out," whispered Mildred.

"Well, don't worry about it," said Marge, "At our age it isn't anything we haven't seen before."

"Yes," said Mildred, "But this one's eating my popcorn!"

#joke #animal #chicken #rooster #pet #food #eating
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 09 July 2012
  • Currently 6.72/10

Rating: 6.7/10 (43)

Knock Knock Collection 044


Knock Knock
Who's there?
Datsun!
Datsun who?
Datsun old joke!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Dave!
Dave who?
Dave for Night!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Dawn!
Dawn who?
Dawn leave me out here in the cold!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Deanna!
Deanna who?
Deanna-mals are restless open the cage!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Deduct!
Deduct who?
Donald Deduct!

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 09 July 2011
  • Currently 2.97/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (36)

VIAGRA Press Release**

VIAGRA Press Release**

In pharmacology, all drugs have two names - a trade name and a generic name.

For example, the trade name of Tylenol is acetaminophen. Aleve is known as naproxen; Amoxil is amoxicillin, and Advil is ibuprofen. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for VIAGRA. After consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced it has settled on the generic name of mycoxafloppin. Also considered were mycoxafailin, mydixadrupin, mydixarizin, mydixadud, dixafix, and of course ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp is making an announcement today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Co as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. Pepsi's proposed ad campaign claims it will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink. This additive gives new meaning to the names of cocktails, highballs and just a good old fashioned stiff drink. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of Mount & Do.

The long term implications of drugs and medical procedures must be fully considered: Over the past few years, more money has been spent on breast implants and Viagra than was spent on Alzheimer's research. It is believed that by the year 2030, there will be a large number of people wandering around with huge breasts and erections who can't remember what to do with them!
#joke #drinks #pepsi
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 09 July 2010
  • Currently 6.06/10

Rating: 6.1/10 (34)

Dr. Seuss

What If Dr. Seuss was a Technical Writer? Here's an easy game to play.

Here's an easy thing to say:

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, and the bus is interrupted as a very last resort, and the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, and your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash, then your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash!

You can't say this?

What a shame sir!

We'll find you another game sir.

If the label on the cable on the table at your house, says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, but your packets want to tunnel on another protocol, that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall.

And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse, then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, 'cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk, and the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risk, then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM. Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom!

Submitted by Glaci

Edited by Curtis

#joke #animal #mouse #mother #mom
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 09 July 2011
  • Currently 4.79/10

Rating: 4.8/10 (33)

One time, Chuck Norris acciden...

One time, Chuck Norris accidentally stubbed his toe. It destroyed the entire state of Ohio.
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 09 July 2011
  • Currently 3.13/10

Rating: 3.1/10 (32)

Good News, Bad News

A minister stood in front of his congregation and announced, "I have good news and bad news. The good news is we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is that it’s still in your pockets.”
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
  • Currently 7.22/10

Rating: 7.2/10 (18)

Bar Ladder

Q: Why did the blonde take a ladder into the bar?
A: She heard drinks were on the house.

Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 15 October 2014
  • Currently 7.30/10

Rating: 7.3/10 (10)

T.J. Miller: Holding a Baby

This woman wouldnt let me hold her baby the other day because she said I was too drunk. First of all, dont bring your baby into the bar. And second of all, if Im drinking malt liquor on a playground, I call that a bar.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 01 February 2012
  • Currently 3.06/10

Rating: 3.1/10 (54)

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