Jokes of the day for Friday, 20 July 2018
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Friday, 20 July 2018 |
After receiving his medication
After receiving his medication from the pharmacist, the customer asked, "Are these time-release pills?"The pharmacist replied, "Yes, they are. They'll begin to work after your check clears."
“The workers at the l
“The workers at the lumber mill went on strike, putting plywood production into suspended lamination.”
Nun of Your Business
While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer, wine, and liquor section. One asked the other if she would like a beer. The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable purchasing it. The first nun replied that she would handle it without a problem. She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier. The cashier was surprised, so the nun said, “This is for washing our hair. ”Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer. “The curlers are on me.”
John the farmer was in the fer
John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business.He had several hundred young layers (hens), calledpullets and eight or ten roosters, whose job was tofertilize the eggs. The farmer kept records and anyrooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot andwas replaced.That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a setof tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Eachbell had a different tone so John could tell from adistance, which rooster was performing. Now he couldsit on the porch and fill out an efficiency reportsimply by listening to the bells.
The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, a veryfine specimen he was, too. But on this particularmorning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung atall! John went to investigate. The other roosterswere chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets,hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
BUT, to Farmer John's amazement, Butch had his bell inhis beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on apullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. Johnwas so proud of Butch, he entered him in the countyfair.
Butch became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result: the judges not only awarded Butch the"No BellPiece Prize" but they also awarded him the"Pulletsurprise" as well.
Clearly Butch was a Politician in the making. Whoelse but a politician could figure out how to win twoof the most highly coveted awards on our planet bybeing the best at sneaking up on the populace andscrewing them when they weren't paying attention?
Under the kilt...
The American tourist stood staring at the highland sentry standing guard outside Edinburgh Castle.
After a few minutes she went up to the sentry and asked 'I've always wanted to find out what's worn under the kilt'.
The sentry replied: 'There is nothing worn, Ma'am, its all in perfect working order'.
Chuck Norris is so fast, he ca...
Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.Odd Rabbi Out
"I told you I was right!" cried the rabbi, but his friends insisted that nothing had happened that could not be explained by natural causes.
The rabbi was getting ready to ask for a VERY big sign, but just as he said, "Oh God...," the sky turned pitch black, the earth shook, and a deep, booming voice intoned, "HEEEEEEEE'S RIIIIIIIGHT!"
The rabbi put his hands on his hips, turned to the other three, and said, "Well?"
"So," shrugged one of the other rabbis, "now it's 3 to 2."
Winding up the tough guy
I was sitting at a bar one time, when I noticed that, next to me, an old drunk was hassling one of the biggest, toughest guys I'd ever seen.
The old guy was clearly blasted, and kept getting in the tough guy's face, say, "I fucked your mother."
Despite being huge and jacked, the tough guy just kept shrugging it off. The old guy laughed in the tough guy's face, saying it again. "Hey, I fucked your mother."
Then, the old man even poked him, and repeated himself, "No seriously, I fucked your mother."
At this point, finally, the tough guy had had enough. He grabbed the old man by his jacket and began to pull him out of the bar, yelling,
"That's it. We're going home, Dad. You're drunk."
My Dad Scribbles
Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."
The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon. And, it takes eight people to collect all the money!"
A blonde and a brunette are ou...
A blonde and a brunette are out driving, and the brunette tells the blonde to look out for cops - especially cops with their lights on. After they've been driving for a while, the brunette asks the blonde if she's seen any cops."Yes," says the blonde.
"Are their lights on?"
The blonde has to think for a moment, then says, "Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No."
An African lumberjack
An African lumberjack is interviewing for a job at a major logging company. The foreman decides to take a practical route and hands the lumberjack an axe.
"Take a couple swings at that tree over there." The foreman said.
The lumberjack walks over to the tree and fells it in a single chop.
"Holy smokes, you've got quite the arm! You're absolutely hired, but I need to know what you can do. Try your hand at this tree over here." The foreman points out a much larger tree.
One, two swings and the tree crashes to the ground.
"That's incredible!" Cried the foreman. "Wherever did you learn to chop like that?!"
"In the Sahara Forest." Replied the lumberjack.
"Don't you mean the Sahara Desert?" Asked the foreman.
"That's why I'm here."
A blind man enters a Ladies Ba...
A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, you should know five things:
1 - The bartender is a blonde girl.
2 - The bouncer is a blonde gal.
3 - I'm a 6-foot tall, 200-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weight lifter.
5 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.
Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
When I found out my toaster wasn't water proof...
When I found out my toaster wasn't water proof...
I WAS SHOCKED!
Author:Wonderland6914
