Jokes of the day for Thursday, 30 August 2018

A racehorse owner asked his jo...

A racehorse owner asked his jockey why he didn't ride his mount through a hole when it opened up just before the final turn.
"I tried," replied the jockey. "But it is impossible to go through a hole that is going faster than your horse."

I'm surprised I'm...

“I'm surprised I'm not musically inclined because as a child my attitude was so bad that I often got my bell rung and was told to sing a new tune.”

A Russian woman married an Aus...

A Russian woman married an Australian gentleman and they lived happily everafter in Melbourne . The poor lady was not very proficient in English, butdid manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenevershe had to shop for groceries.
One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn'tknow how to put forward her request, and in desperation, clucked like achicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got themessage, and gave her the chicken legs.
Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how tosay it, and so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to showthe butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again, and gave her somechicken breasts.
On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a wayto communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...(Please scroll down.)
What were you thinking? Hellooooooo, her husband speaks English! Now getback to whatever you were doing. I don't know about you sometimes..

Church Sign Chuckles

Some favorite messages spotted on church signs or billboards, submitted by Beliefnet members:-Fire Insurance Inside-This Church Is Prayer Conditioned-God Answers Knee Mail-PRAY NOW! Avoid Christmas Rush!-Sign broken, come inside for message-This is a ch--ch. What's missing? U R!-Stop in the name of love and meet the Supreme-Wal-Mart's not the only savings place-The best position is on your knees!

Grasshopper

A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, 'Hey, we have a drink named after you!'
The grasshopper looks at the bartender, with a look of extreme confusion on his face, and says, 'You have a drink called Steve?'

Elephant Jokes 02

What' s big and grey with horns?
An elephant marching band!

What's yellow on the outside and grey on the inside?
An elephant disguised as a banana!

What's big, grey and flies straight up?
An elecopter!

What's grey, carries a bunch of flowers and cheers you up when your ill?
A get wellephant!

What's grey and never needs ironing?
A drip dry elephant!

What's big and grey and red?
A sunburnt elephant!

What did the hotel manager say to the elephant that couldn't pay his bill?
"Pack your trunk and clear out!"
How do you get an elephant into a matchbox?
Take all the matches out first!

What weighs 4 tons and is bright red?
An elephant holding its breath!

What's wrong?

Two men are trying to get in a quick eighteen holes, but there two women golfers in front of them who are taking quite a long time to play each hole.

The first guy says, "Why don't you go over and ask if we can play through?" The second guy gets about halfway there, turns and comes back. The first guy says, "What's wrong?"

He says, "One of them is my wife, and the other is my mistress."

The first guy says, "That could be a problem. I'll go over." He gets about halfway there and he turns and comes back, too.

The second guy says, "What's wrong?"

The first guy says, "Small world!"

Cured!

Shakey went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under ... you gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"

"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"A hundred dollars per visit."

"I'll sleep on it," said Shakey.

Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street.

"Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.

"For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars."

"Is that so! How?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"

A burglar broke into a house o...

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said,
'Jesus knows you're here.'
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.
When he heard nothing more , after a bit, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a be*l he heard
'Jesus is watching you.'
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.
'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.'
The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'
'Moses,' replied the bird.
'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'
'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'

In a tagteam match, Chuck Norr...

In a tagteam match, Chuck Norris was teamed with Hulk Hogan against King Kong Bundy and Andre The Giant. He pinned all 3 at the same time.

Vegas high roller

This guy goes out to Las Vegas, and wins really big in one of the casinos. After winning fifty thousand dollars at the crap table, the casino decides to give the guy a night in the penthouse suite. The guy goes up to the room, opens the big double doors, and steps into a three room suite. The room is nothing but windows, with a fantastic view of the city. The guy drops his bag on money in a chair and stands looking out the windows at the city. He realizes he is all alone and needs someone to share his good fortune with. He calls down to the front desk and tells the clerk to send up one of the best high-priced call girls in the city.

Thirty minutes later there’s a knock on the door. The guy opens it and there is the most gorgeous girl he has ever seen. Long blond hair, short red dress, and spiked heels. She walks into the room. The guy goes over to the bar and fixes two drinks, he gives one to the hooker, and drinks one himself. "Now, down to business," he says, "how much for a hand job?"

The hooker says, "Honey, a hand job is $500.00"

"What, that’s outrageous.

"Come over here," She says walking toward one of the windows," see that strip mall over there," pointing out the window, "I own the last two stores on the end. I was able to buy those stores with the money I saved from giving hand jobs. I must be pretty damn good.

"All right, screw it, money is no object."

A half hour after she’s done the guy is sitting on the couch reveling in ecstasy. He gets up, goes to the bar and makes two more drinks. He gives one to the hooker and drinks one himself. "That was the best hand job I have ever had. How much for a blow job?

"Honey, a blow job is $5000.00."

"What, that’s outrageous."

"Come over here," She says walking toward another one of the window, see that hotel and casino over there on the corner," pointing out the window, "I own that, I was able to buy it with the money I saved from giving blow jobs. I must be pretty damn good.

"All right, screw it, money is no object." The guy gives her $5000.00. An hour after she’s done the guy is laying on the couch Head rolled back, eyes rolled up inside his head, a little drool coming out of the corner of his mouth. He gets up, barely able to stand, staggers over to the bar, mixes two more drinks ,gives one to the hooker, and drinks one himself.

"My god that was the best blow job I have ever had, I’ve gotta know, How much for some pussy?"

The hooker looks at him and says, " Honey if I had a pussy, I would own this whole city."

Jay Larson: Embarrassing Purchase

I bought a plunger the other day. You ever bought a plunger? Its an embarrassing purchase. At first, you think its no big deal. Stand in the line, swinging it. And then you realize everybody knows; you got a situation at home. Nobody buys a plunger on a whim.

Make God Laugh

You know how to you make God laugh? Tell him your plans.

Jimmie, an 80-year-old gentlem...

Jimmie, an 80-year-old gentleman, retired to Florida after his wife of 58 years had passed away. He was quite alone in the world and longed for companionship. One day, as he was walking through a public park, he spied what he considered to be a very pretty silver-haired lady sitting alone on a park bench. Getting his nerve up, he approached the lady and asked graciously, "Pardon me, ma'am, but may I sit here with you."
The silver-haired Marcia looked up to see a distinguished looking white-haired gentleman and replied, "Why certainly," and scooted over gently to give him room to sit down.
For the next two hours the two sat and talked about everything. They discovered that they came from the same part of the country, liked the same big band music, voted for the same presidential candidates, had long happy marriages and lost their spouses in the last year, and in general agreed about almost everything.
Finally, the old gentleman cleared his throat and asked sheepishly, "Ma' am, may I ask you two questions?"
With great anticipation Marcia replied, "Why certainly!"
The old gentleman removed a handkerchief from his coat pocket and spread it out on the ground before her. He very gingerly got down on one knee and looked her softly in the eyes.
"Marcia, I know we've only known each other for a couple of hours, but we have so much in common. I feel I have known you all my life. Will you marry me and be my wife?"
Marcia grabbed at Jimmie's hands and said, "Why, yes, I will marry you! You have made me so very happy!"
She reached over and kissed him gently on the cheek. Then Marcia said, "You said you had two questions to ask me. What is the second question?"
Jimmie scratched his neck and said, "Will you help me get up?"

Discharge

A young lady walks into a doctors office. "Doctor I'm suffering from a terrible discharge."

The doctor lays her down, lifts up her dress and has a good probe around and asks her, "How does that feel?"

The young lady replies, "Oooh doctor, that feels lovely... but the discharge is from my ear!"