Jokes of the day for Saturday, 29 September 2018
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Saturday, 29 September 2018 |
There was this young couple wh
There was this young couple who have dated since high school, but they have never had sex because the boy's mother always told him that what a woman has between her legs has teeth. For obvious reasons, the boy has always been afraid to venture down there.They finally marry, and on their wedding night, the young groom walks out of the bathroom to find his new bride dressed in a very sexy negligee and lying invitingly on the bed. She says to him, "Oh honey, here's the moment we've been waiting for.... It's time to consummate our marriage."
He is apparently flustered, and says, "Oh, no....I'm not going down there!"
The confused bride asks, "But honey, why not?"
He turned to her and said, "Well, my mother always told me that what a woman has between her legs has teeth."
The bride laughed and said, "That's nonsense; here, let me show you." So, she whips off her negligee, spreads her legs open, and pulls her nether lips apart, saying, "See honey?... No teeth!"
The groom quickly replies, "Oh my! With gum disease like that, it's no wonder you have no teeth!!"
Real Church Signs
Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church. If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns. If you don't like the way you were born, try being born again. Looking at the way some people live, they ought to obtain eternal fire insurance soon.Punished
One day a little girl came home from school, and said to her mother, "Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn't do."
The mother exclaimed, "But that's terrible! I'm going to have a talk with your teacher about this! By the way, what was it that you didn't do?"
The little girl replied, "My homework."
After retiring, I went to the
After retiring, I went to the Social Security officeto apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me formy driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realizedI had left my wallet at home.I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I wouldhave to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me'and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about myexperience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. Youmight have gotten disability, too'
May I Borrow Your Dog For A Few Days?
It's for my mother-in-law," explained the mourner at the funeral procession. Tightening the leash, he gestured down at the dog and said, "My Doberman here killed her."
"Gee...That's terrible," commiserated the spectator. "But... Hmmmm... Is there anyway you might lend me your dog for a day or so?"
The bereaved son-in-law pointed his thumb over his shoulder and answered, "Get in line."
National Geographic
Ole and Lena are 69-ing when Ole says, "Lena, did you know there are 117,000 musk ox in Alaska?" Lena says, "No, I didn't."
Ole says, "And Lena, did you know there are 482,000 grizzly bears living in Alaska?"
Lena says, "No, I didn't. Gee, you're smart."
Ole says, "And Lena, did you know there are more than 2 million caribou living in Alaska?"
"No," says Lena, wondering how this conversation came about in the middle of their sex play.
"How did you get so smart?"
Ole says, "Remember last night when we ran out of toilet paper and had to use the pages out of magazines?"
"Yes, I remember," says Lena.
"Well, you still have page 63 of National Geographic stuck to your ass."
Skinny Dippers
Ron, an elderly man in Australia, had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond at the back.
It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange and lime trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence, and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
Ron frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."
Holding the bucket up Ron said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
Buckwheat
Buckwheat of the Little Rascals fame grew up, became a Muslim, and changed his name. He now goes by Kareem of Wheat.
Daniel Tosh: Only One Tattoo
I think if youre gonna get a tattoo, just get one: the words, Im dumb. Thats it. That way in 10 years, when you go, Why did I get this?, you can be like, Oh, Im dumb! Jimmy Dore: Growing Up in a Big Family
They go, Well, you learn a lot about life growing up in a big family, dont you? Yeah, I learned that Im replaceable. A knight went off to fight in...
A knight went off to fight in the Holy Crusades but before leaving he made his wife wear a chastity belt. After tightly securing it to her, he handed the key to his best friend with the instruction: "If I do not return within seven years, unlock my wife and set her free to lead a normal life."The knight then rode off on the first leg of his journey to the Holy Land, but he had only traveled barely an hour when he was suddenly aware of the sound of pounding hooves behind him. He turned to see that it was his best friend.
"What is the problem?" asked the knight.
His best friend replied: "You gave me the wrong key."
Toilet Jokes Which Don't Stink
Last week, I ran out of toilet paper and started using old newspapers instead.
All I can say is that The Times are really rough.
Do you know the difference between toilet paper and a shower curtain?
Ah, so it’s you who’s been making a mess of my bathroom!
Do you know the difference between toilet paper and a shower curtain?
Ah, so it’s you who’s been making a mess of my bathroom!
Why was Eeyore down the toilet?
Because he was looking for Pooh!
Why did the toilet roll down the hill?
To get to the bottom!
Did you hear about the film ‘Constipated’?
It never came out!
There are two reasons you shouldn’t drink from the toilet.
Number one and number two!
Doctor, doctor! I think I have a bladder infection!
I see urine trouble!
Why did three witches call in the plumber?
Hubble bubble, toilet trouble!
Why can’t you hear a Pterodactyl using the bathroom?
Because the ‘P’ is silent.
I bought an Abba-branded toilet last week.
What a loo!
What did the poo say to the fart?
You blow me away!
Who saves the world by hanging out in the toilet?
Flush Gordon
What’s brown and sounds like a bell?
Dung!
Why didn’t the toilet paper make it across the road?
It got stuck in a crack.
