Jokes of the day for Friday, 12 October 2018

A third-grade teacher was inst

A third-grade teacher was instructing her students in some of the wonders of nature and ended by saying, "Isn't it wonderful how baby chickens get out of their shells?"
An eight-year-old, showing more curiosity than the rest said, "What gets me is how they got in."

“At the annual Anglo-

“At the annual Anglo-Saxon Fair, I did not drink any wassail. I did not feel any mead for it.”

Repaying a Debt

The Hodja (teacher) was selling olives at the market and business was slow. He called to a woman who was passing by and tried to entice her. She shook her head and told him she didn't have any money with her."No problem," the Hodja grinned. "You can pay me later."She still looked hesitant, so he offered her one to taste."Oh no, I can't, I'm fasting," she responded."Fasting? But Ramadan was 6 months ago!""Yes, well, I missed a day and I'm making it up now. Go ahead and give me a kilo of the black olives.""Forget it!" shouted the Hodja. "If it took you 6 months to pay back a debt you owed ALLAH, who knows when you'll get around to paying me!"

 Answering Machine Message 238

Knock, knock. (Pause. Caller thinks, "Who's there?") Isn't that MY question? (Pause.) Please leave a message...

Man vs Woman _ Part 2

Why do women live a better, longer & more peaceful Life, compared to men?
A very INTELLIGENT student replied: 'Because women don't have a wife!'

COOL MESSAGE BY A WIFE: Dear Mother-in-law, Don't teach me how to handle my children. I am living with one of yours and he needs a lot of improvement!?

When a married man says, I WILL THINK ABOUT IT - what he really means is that he doesn't know his wife's opinion yet.

I never quite figured out why

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
FOR EXAMPLE One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said "WHAT????!!! What was that?!" So she says the words That every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just not in Touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just Love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her.
We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'll just buy them all. She wanted new Shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier." I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT???!!!"
I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.

If men ran the world...

- Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

- Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack on the butt and a 'Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time' would pretty much do it.

- Birth control would come in ale or lager.

- Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.

- St. Patrick's Day would be celebrated every month.

- Garbage would take itself out.

- The only show opposite 'Monday Night Football' would be 'Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.'

- Instead of 'beer-belly,' you'd get 'beer-biceps.'

- Tanks would be far easier to rent.

- Two words... 'Ally McNaked.'

- When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in: Cop: 'You know how fast you were going?'You: 'All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place.' Cop :'Nice one, That's $10.00 off'.

- People would never talk about how fresh they felt.

- It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.

- Instead of a fancy, expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said 'You're #1!'

- When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.

- Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable response to 'I love you.'

- The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

- 'Sorry I'm late, but I got wasted last night,' would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.

- At the end of the workday a whistle would blow andyou would jump out of your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.

- Hallmark would make 'Sorry, what was your name again?' cards.

A young couple, just married...

A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they were undressing for bed, the husband -- who was a big burly man -- tossed his trousers to his bride and said, "Here, put these on."
She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I cant wear your trousers," she said.
"That's right, said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family."
With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on."
He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. "Hell," he said. I cant get into your panties!"
She replied, "That's right, and that's the way its going to stay until your attitude changes."

Smart kid

Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said. "An ambulance just drove by." A few moments passed.

"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out. "Matt's riding a new bike, and the Coopers are having sex."

Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked.

"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.

Nick Swardson: Vanna White

I think that Vanna White got the best job ever. Is that not the best job? If I were a woman, I would want that job so bad. Like, thats her job! What a country -- she just turns letters. I turn letters, but only when they glow. Im not stupid.

Football Tryout

The pro football team had just finished their daily practice session when a large turkey came strutting onto the field. While the players gazed in amazement, the turkey walked up to the head coach and demanded a tryout. Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran right through the defensive line.

When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted, 'You're terrific!!! Sign up for the season, and I'll see to it that you get a huge bonus.' 'Forget the bonus,' the turkey said, 'All I want to know is, does the season go past Thanksgiving Day?'

The Preacher and the Microphone

The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as

he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the

mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting

wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it

again.

After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third

pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets

loose, will he hurt us?"

2 Reasons To Go School

Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son.
"Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!"
"But why, Mom? I don't want to go."
"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."
"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me also!"
"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready."
"Give me two reasons why I should go to school."
"Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the PRINCIPAL!"

World Hypertension Day jokes

World Hypertension Day is observed every May 17th in order to raise awareness and promote hypertension prevention, detection and control. Raise awareness with these jokes.

Why did the skeptic suffer from high blood pressure?
He was taking everything with a grain of salt.

My doctor just prescribed me blood pressure medication
it was a tough pill to swallow

Russian health tips
-"For better digestion ,I drink beer, for low blood pressure I drink red wine, for high blood pressure Cognac and for colds Vodka. "
-"And what about water?"
-"I don't think I ever had such an illness....

A man walks into a hospital ward and starts inspecting all of the bed charts.
A doctor notices this and says, "Excuse me sir, but what are you doing?"
The man ignores the doctor and continues, now taking everyone's blood pressure.
"Sir, I'll ask you again", says the doctor, "why are you here and what are you doing?"
Ignoring the doctor again, the man then begins to take everyone's blood and starts processing it through the hospital's examination equipment.
"Right!" Shouts the doctor. "Now you're testing my patients!"

Some people are good at being in love

Some people are good at being in love. Some people are good at love. Two very different things, I think. Being in love is the romantic part—sex all the time, midday naps in the sheets, the jokes, the laughs, the fun, long conversations with no pauses, overwhelming separation anxiety… Just the best sides of both people, you know? But love begins when the excitement of being in love starts to fade: the stress of life sets in, the butterflies disappear, the sex not so often, the tears, the sadness, the arguments, the cattiness; the worst parts of both people. But if you still want that person by your side through all of those things… that’s when you know—that’s when you know you’re good at love.