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Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 23 January 2019

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Wednesday, 23 January 2019

I like all track and...

“I like all track and field events but I really get a charge out of the pole volt.”

#joke #short
  • Currently 4.67/10

Rating: 4.7/10 (6)

These are actual comments made...

These are actual comments made on student report cards by teachers in theNew York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded but, someof these are really funny!
1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has startedto dig.
2. I would not allow this student to breed.
3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.
4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails toachieve them.
6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thingie to holdit all together.
7. This child has been working with glue too much.
8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.
9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice aweek.
11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out1,000,000 others.
12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.
#joke
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 5.43/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (7)

SLIDESHOW #11 - Funny Photo Slideshow

The ups and downs of the U.S...

The ups and downs of the U.S. Stock Market frightened a lot of small investors. One guy went to his financial adviser at the bank and asked if he were worried.
His advisor replied, "Well, let me put it this way, I sleep like a baby."
The man was amazed and exclaimed, "Really? Even with all the market fluctuations?"
Answered the advisor, "Yes. I sleep for a couple of hours, then wake up and cry for a couple of hours."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 16 November 2017
  • Currently 8.00/10

Rating: 8.0/10 (7)

Walking with a lantern...

Pappy sees Elmer walking with a lantern and asks, "Where ya going boy?" The son smiled and replied, "I'm a-going courting Peggy-Sue." The Father said, "When I went a-courtin', I didn't need me no dang lantern." "Sure Pa, I know." the boy said. "And look what you got !"
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 29 January 2016
  • Currently 9.04/10

Rating: 9.0/10 (24)

Good To Be An Italian

Top ten reasons why it's good to be Italian.

  1. In-depth knowledge of bizarre pasta shapes
  2. Unembarrassed to wear fur.
  3. No need to worry about tax returns
  4. Glorious military history... well, until about 400 a.d.
  5. Can wear sunglasses inside
  6. Political stability
  7. Flexible working hours
  8. Live near the Pope
  9. Country run by Sicilian murderers

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 05 February 2015
  • Currently 1.80/10

Rating: 1.8/10 (5)

A man runs to the doctor and s...

A man runs to the doctor and says: "Doctor, you've got to help me. My wife thinks she's a chicken!"
The doctor asks: How long was she had this condition?"
"Two years." replies the man.
"Then why did it take you so long to come and see me?" asked the doctor. The man shrugs his shoulders and replies: "We needed the eggs"
#joke #doctor
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 23 January 2010
  • Currently 5.46/10

Rating: 5.5/10 (41)

Coffee Maker

The newlywed Blonde went to the store to ask how to operate the new coffeemaker received as a wedding gift. The salesman carefully explained how everything worked; how to plug it in, set the timer, go to bed, and upon rising, the coffee is ready.

A few weeks later the goober was back in the store and the salesman asked her how she liked the coffee maker.

"Wonderful!" she replied, "But... it's just awfully inconvenient to have to go to bed every time I want to make a pot of coffee."

#joke #blonde
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 23 January 2012
  • Currently 7.44/10

Rating: 7.4/10 (41)

Passing A School Bus

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.
"Unlawful to Pass School Bus from Either Direction"
I guess that some people misunderstood that, because now it reads:
"Unlawful to Pass Stopped School Bus from Either Direction".
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 23 January 2011
  • Currently 3.47/10

Rating: 3.5/10 (36)

Blonde jokes-Vac

Deborah, the busty blonde who was on vacation, sent home a postcard.

She writes: Hi folks, me having a great time. Where am I?
#joke #short #blonde
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 23 January 2014
  • Currently 5.25/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (32)

Loud Train

A man had to attend a large convention in Chicago. On this particular trip he decided to bring his wife. When they arrived at their hotel and were shown to their room, the man said: "You rest here while I register - I'll be back within an hour."
The wife lies down on the bed... just then, an elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she's thrown out of the bed. Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more. Again a train shakes the room so violently, she's pitched to the floor.
Exasperated, she calls the front desk, asks for the manager. The manager says he'll be right up. The manager (naturally) is sceptical but the wife insists the story is true.
"Look,... lie here on the bed - you'll be thrown right to the floor!"
So he lies down next to the wife... Just then the husband walks in. "What," he says, "are you doing here?"
The manager replies: "Would you believe I'm waiting for a train?"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 27 February 2014
  • Currently 5.27/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (11)

A blonde was playing Trivial P...

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night.
It was her turn, she rolled the dice and landed on "Science & Nature".
Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time, and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
#joke #blonde
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 9.42/10

Rating: 9.4/10 (24)

A Texan farmer goes to Austral...

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation.
There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking.
The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large."
Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, "We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows."
The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those?"
The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?"
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 24 May 2009
  • Currently 7.47/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (34)

Tenses

A teacher says, “Okay, class. Today we’re going to be talking about the tenses. If I say ‘I’m beautiful,’ which tense is it?”

Little Johnny raises his hand and says, “Obviously past tense, Miss.”

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 26 January 2015
  • Currently 8.44/10

Rating: 8.4/10 (9)

Party-gal accelerator

Did you hear, the scientists behind Ecstasy drugs are now building a party-gal accelerator?
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 2.00/10

Rating: 2.0/10 (4)

Request Before Death

A murderer, sitting in the electric chair, was about to be executed.
"Have you any last requests? asked the chaplain.
"Yes," replied the murderer. "Will you hold my hand?"
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 21 July 2015
  • Currently 5.40/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (5)

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