Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 23 January 2019
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Wednesday, 23 January 2019 |
I like all track and...
“I like all track and field events but I really get a charge out of the pole volt.”
#joke #short
These are actual comments made...
These are actual comments made on student report cards by teachers in theNew York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded but, someof these are really funny!1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has startedto dig.
2. I would not allow this student to breed.
3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.
4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails toachieve them.
6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thingie to holdit all together.
7. This child has been working with glue too much.
8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.
9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice aweek.
11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out1,000,000 others.
12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.
#joke
The ups and downs of the U.S...
The ups and downs of the U.S. Stock Market frightened a lot of small investors. One guy went to his financial adviser at the bank and asked if he were worried.His advisor replied, "Well, let me put it this way, I sleep like a baby."
The man was amazed and exclaimed, "Really? Even with all the market fluctuations?"
Answered the advisor, "Yes. I sleep for a couple of hours, then wake up and cry for a couple of hours."
#joke
Walking with a lantern...
Pappy sees Elmer walking with a lantern and asks, "Where ya going boy?" The son smiled and replied, "I'm a-going courting Peggy-Sue." The Father said, "When I went a-courtin', I didn't need me no dang lantern." "Sure Pa, I know." the boy said. "And look what you got !" #joke #short
Good To Be An Italian
Top ten reasons why it's good to be Italian.- In-depth knowledge of bizarre pasta shapes
- Unembarrassed to wear fur.
- No need to worry about tax returns
- Glorious military history... well, until about 400 a.d.
- Can wear sunglasses inside
- Political stability
- Flexible working hours
- Live near the Pope
- Country run by Sicilian murderers
#joke
Coffee Maker
The newlywed Blonde went to the store to ask how to operate the new coffeemaker received as a wedding gift. The salesman carefully explained how everything worked; how to plug it in, set the timer, go to bed, and upon rising, the coffee is ready. A few weeks later the goober was back in the store and the salesman asked her how she liked the coffee maker.
"Wonderful!" she replied, "But... it's just awfully inconvenient to have to go to bed every time I want to make a pot of coffee."
A man runs to the doctor and s...
A man runs to the doctor and says: "Doctor, you've got to help me. My wife thinks she's a chicken!" The doctor asks: How long was she had this condition?"
"Two years." replies the man.
"Then why did it take you so long to come and see me?" asked the doctor. The man shrugs his shoulders and replies: "We needed the eggs"
Passing A School Bus
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny."Unlawful to Pass School Bus from Either Direction"
I guess that some people misunderstood that, because now it reads:
"Unlawful to Pass Stopped School Bus from Either Direction".
#joke
Three women go down to Mexico...
Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation. They get drunk and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words. She says, "I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent." They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.
The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words. "I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent." They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her.
The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from the University of Texas and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell ya right now, ya'll ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in."
#joke #blonde
A blonde was at home watching...
A blonde was at home watching TV with her friends when she heard a noise. She ran out just in time to see a thief drive off in her car. "Did you see their face?" her friends asked when she came back inside.
"No, but it's okay - I got the licence plate number!"
Inside Joke
My mate recently got divorced from his wife.
They decided to split the house.
He got the outside.
#joke #short
Expensive Barbie!
A man was driving home from work one evening when he suddenly realized that it was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't yet bought her a gift.
So, the man rushed off to the nearest toy store and asked the sales clerk, "How much is that Barbie in the window?"
The sales clerk replied in a condescending tone, "Which Barbie? We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorce Barbie for $265.00."
The overwhelmed man asked, "Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 and all the others are only $19.95?"
"That's obvious!" said the sales clerk. "Divorce Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture..."
#joke #sport #gym
