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Jokes of the day for Friday, 01 February 2019

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Friday, 01 February 2019

One does not select...

“One does not select a gun by rifling through the hunting section.”

#joke #short
  • Currently 3.38/10

Rating: 3.4/10 (13)

One fine day, a bus driver wen...

One fine day, a bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus, and drove off along the route. No problems for the first few stops, a few people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well.
At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on. Six foot eight, built like a wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the driver and said, "Big John doesn't pay!" and sat down at the back. Did I mention that the driver was five feet three, thin, and basically meek? Well, he was. Naturally, he didn't argue with Big John, but he wasn't happy about it.
The next day the same thing happened - Big John got on again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the next day, and the one after that, and so forth. This grated on the bus driver, who started losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him. Finally he could stand it no longer. He signed up for body building courses, karate, judo, and all that good stuff. By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong; what's more, he felt really good about himself.
So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus and said, "Big John doesn't pay!", the driver stood up, glared back at the passenger, and screamed, "And why not?"
With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, "Big John has a bus pass."
#joke #monday
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 6.79/10

Rating: 6.8/10 (24)

SLIDESHOW #41 - Funny Photo Slideshow

A teenager takes a seat on a b...

A teenager takes a seat on a bench next to a middle aged man reading a newspaper. After a few minutes the man looks over and stares intentively on the youth's multicolored mohawk.
The teenager looks over at the man and says "What's the matter old man, never done anything interesting in your life?"
The man responded with "I once got drunk and had sex with a parrot, I was just wondering if you were my son."
#joke
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 9.07/10

Rating: 9.1/10 (102)

 Hahahahahaha

The joke is:























!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 19 October 2018
  • Currently 1.45/10

Rating: 1.4/10 (69)

Signs Your Wife Might Be Having An Affair With Santa . . .

Instead of mailing your kids letters to santa, she just stuffs them in her bra

She smells kinda like a combination of peppermint sticks and reindeer chow

For christmas, your kids get something called "The Your Daddy SUCKS Doll"

She refers to your bed as "Santa's Workshop"

Paramedics had to use the jaws of life to jar her outta the chimney

When you ask for sex she says: "Not tonight--visions of sugarplums are dancing in my head"

#joke #christmas
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 07 February 2016
  • Currently 1.27/10

Rating: 1.3/10 (15)

T.J. Miller: Holding a Baby

This woman wouldnt let me hold her baby the other day because she said I was too drunk. First of all, dont bring your baby into the bar. And second of all, if Im drinking malt liquor on a playground, I call that a bar.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 01 February 2012
  • Currently 3.06/10

Rating: 3.1/10 (54)

I lift weights only...

“I lift weights only on Saturday and Sunday because Monday to Friday are weak days.”

#joke #short #friday #monday
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 01 February 2018
  • Currently 7.15/10

Rating: 7.2/10 (46)

Who Should Make the Coffee?

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, "You are in charge of the cooking around here so you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides it says in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that! Show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says, "HEBREWS."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 01 February 2010
  • Currently 6.00/10

Rating: 6.0/10 (42)

One Line Zingers


  • If Cain and Able were Siamese twins, would they be Cable?

  • Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.

  • The best vitamin for a Christian is B1.

  • "I've taken a vow of poverty. To annoy me, send money.”

  • Warning notice at a seminary swimming pool: “First-year students are only allowed to walk on the shallow end.”

  • "If absence makes the heart grow fonder,” said a minister, “a lot of folks must love our church.”

  • This joke was reprinted from "Laugh Yourself Healthy" by Charles and Frances Hunter, with permission of Strang Communications. Copyright 2008. All rights reserved.

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 01 February 2009
  • Currently 5.10/10

Rating: 5.1/10 (42)

Eliot Chang: Politically Correct Friend

He actually said this to me; hes like, Hey man, you got to be careful. Theres a lot of women that have an Asian fetish. Well, what do you mean? Theyll have sex with you just cause youre Asian. Arent you offended? Uh, Ill be offended after my orgasm.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 01 February 2011
  • Currently 3.21/10

Rating: 3.2/10 (39)

The Sharkeisha super falcon pu...

The Sharkeisha super falcon punch is as close as anyone has ever gotten to the force of a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 27 November 2013
  • Currently 2.80/10

Rating: 2.8/10 (49)

The avid golfer

Bill, an avid golfer, contacts a "Medium" and asks if there is a Golf Course in Heaven. The Medium says that his request is a big order, but he will try and find out and get back to Bill in a few days.

After several days go by, Bill finally gets a call from the Medium. "Well," said Bill, "what did ya find out?"

"I've got good news and bad news for you," said the Medium.

"OK," "what's the good news" Bill exclaimed.

"Well," there is a beautiful 36 hole golf course in Heaven, and you'll have 24 hour access with your own personal caddy," blurted out the Medium.

"And the bad news?" asked Bill.

"You're due to tee-off this Sunday at around 10:30 in the morning."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 30 September 2015
  • Currently 8.00/10

Rating: 8.0/10 (7)

One Sunday morning, the pastor...

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it.
The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex."
"Good morning, Pastor," he replied, still focused on the plaque. "Pastor, what is this?"
The pastor replied, "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."
Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked,"Which service, the 8:00 or the 9:30?"
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 14 November 2017
  • Currently 8.47/10

Rating: 8.5/10 (15)

No one else sees life through your eyes

Don’t let anyone invalidate or minimize how you feel. If you feel something, you feel it and it’s real to you. Nothing anyone says has the power to invalidate that, ever. No one else lives in your body. No one else sees life through your eyes. No one else has lived through your experiences. And so, no one else has the right to dictate or judge how you feel. Your feelings are important and you deserve to be heard. They are inherently valid and they matter. Don’t let anyone make you believe otherwise.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 08 March 2016
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

Three Doors

An airline captain was breaking in a new stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.
The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "
You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"
The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"    

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 09 September 2015
  • Currently 5.40/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (5)

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