Jokes of the day for Friday, 08 February 2019

One night, a lady stumbled int...

One night, a lady stumbled into the police station with a black eye. She claimed she heard a noise in her back yard and went to investigate. The next thing she knew, she was hit in the eye and knocked out cold.
An officer was sent to her house to investigate, and he returned 1-1/2 hours later with a black eye.
"Did you get hit by the same person?" his captain asked.
"No," he replied. "I stepped on the same rake."

A prominent lawyer's son

A prominent lawyer's son dreamed of following in his father's footsteps. After graduating from college and law school with honors, he returned home to join his father's firm, intent on proving himself to be a skilled and worthy attorney.
At the end of his first day at work he rushed into his father's office, and said, 'Father, father! The Smith case, that you always said would go on forever -- the one you have been toiling on for ten years -- in one single day, I settled that case and saved the client a fortune!'
His father frowned, and scolded his son, 'I did not say that it would go on forever, son. I said that it could go on forever. When you saw me toiling on that case for days and weeks at a time, didn't it ever occur to you that I was billing by the hour?'

A copier is a shared...

“A copier is a shared berth.”

Henry Ford dies and goes to he...

Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, an angeltells Ford, "Well, you've been such a good guy and your invention,the assembly line for the automobile, changed the world. As areward, you can hang out with anyone you want to in Heaven."
Ford thinks about it and says, "I wanna hang out with God,himself." The befeathered fellow at the gate takes Ford to theThrone Room and introduces him to God. Ford then asks God, "Hey,aren't you the inventor of Woman?" God says, "Ah, yes." "Well,"says Ford, You have some major design flaws in your invention:
l. There's too much front end protrusion
2. It chatters at high speeds
3. The rear end wobbles too much, and
4. The intake is placed to close to the exhaust."
"Hmmm.." replies God, "hold on." God goes to the CelestialSupercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the result.The computer prints out a slip of paper and God reads it. "It maybe that my invention is flawed," God replies to Henry Ford, "butaccording to my Computer, more men are riding my invention than yours."

Marriage Certificate

Wife: "What are you doing?"
Husband: "Nothing."
Wife: "Nothing? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour."
Husband: "I was looking for the expiration date."

The Magic Miror

Three girls live together. Melissa is a born leader and smart. Kayla is very pretty and popular. Jessica is dumb. One day Melissa says to Kayla and Jessica," I think we should get a miror." Kayla and Jessica Agree. They go down to the trift shop and Melissa see's a beautiful miror with a goldon trim. All of the girls love the miror. Melissa goes up to the store keeper and asks to see the miror. The store keeper replies, "I can't sell you that miror. There is a curse that says if anyone says a lie while looking in it they will disapear for ever!" Melissa didn't belive in this and went up to the mirror and said," I think i have the pretties shoes in this store!" And POOF! She disaperes. Then Kayla goes up to the miror and says, " I think I have the pretties shirt in the whole world!" And POOF! She disapears! Then Jessica goes up to the mirror and says, "I think..." POOF! She disapears!

What has four legs...

What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?

A pool table.

A first-grade teacher was havi...

A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students.

The teacher asked, "Little Johnny what is your problem?"

Little Johnny answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"

The teacher had had enough.

She took Little Johnny to the principal's office.

While Little Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.

The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave.

The teacher agreed.

Little Johnny was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Little Johnny: "9".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Little Johnny: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know.

The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Little Johnny can go to the third-grade."

The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?"

The principal and Little Johnny both agree.

The teacher asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Little Johnny, after a moment, "Legs."

Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!

Little Johnny replied, "Pockets."

Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Little Johnny: "Pants"

Teacher: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
Little Johnny: Coconut

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer,

Little Johnny was taking charge.

Teacher: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?
Little Johnny: Bubblegum

Teacher: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.

Little Johnny: Shake hands

Teacher: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?
Little Johnny: Yep.

Teacher: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.
Little Johnny: Tent

Teacher: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first.

Principal was looking restless and bit tense.

Little Johnny: Wedding Ring

Teacher: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.
Little Johnny: Nose

Teacher: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Little Johnny: Arrow

Teacher: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of excitement?
Little Johnny: Firetruck

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Little Johnny in the fifth-grade, I missed the last ten questions myself."

Character Recognition and the Secret Service

Donald Trump is walking out of the White House and heading toward his limo when an assassin steps forward and aims a gun.
A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts, “Mickey Mouse!”
This startles the would-be assassin, and he is captured.
Later, the secret service agent’s supervisor takes him aside and asks,
“What in the hell made you shout Mickey Mouse?”
(Wait for it....)

Blushing, the agent replies, “I got nervous. I meant to shout, “Donald duck!”

Shack It to Me...in Heaven

A wealthy man died and went to heaven. He was met at the Pearly Gates by Saint Peter who led him down the streets of gold. They passed mansion after mansion until they came to the very end of the street. Saint Peter stopped the rich man in front of a little shack.“This belongs to you,” said Saint Peter.“Why do I get this ugly thing when there are so many mansions I could live in?” the man demanded.“We did the best we could with the money you sent us!” Saint Peter replied.

Husband 1.0

Last year a friend of mine upgraded from BoyFriend 1.0 to Husband 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog, leaving very little system resources available for other applications.
She is now noticing that Husband 1.0 is also spawning Child Processors which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular phenomena was included in the product brochure or the documentation, though other users have informed her that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application.
Not only that, Husband 1.0 installs itself such, that it is always launched at system initialization, where it can monitor all other system activity. She's finding that some applications such as SpendingSpree 2.4, GirlsNight 3.5 and CocktailNight 7.0 are no longer able to run in the system at all, crashing the system when selected (even though they always worked fine before).
During installation, Husband 1.0 provides no option as to the installation of undesired Plug-ins such as MotherInLaw 5.8 and BrotherInLaw Beta release. Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.
Some features she'd like to see in the upcoming Husband 2.0 include:
1. A "Yes I'll cook, clean etc." button.
2. An install shield feature that allows Husband 2.0 be installed with the option to uninstall at anytime without the loss of cache and other system resources.
I myself decided to avoid the headache associated with Husband 1.0 by sticking with BoyFriend 2.0. Even here, however, I found many problems.
Apparently you cannot install BoyFriend 2.0 on top of BoyFriend 1.0; each program begins damaging the other. You must uninstall BoyFriend 1.0 first. Other users say this is a long standing bug that I should have known about. You'd think they would have fixed such a stupid bug by now! To make matters worse, the uninstall program for BoyFriend 1.0 doesn't work very well, leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system.
Another thing--all versions of BoyFriend 1.0 continually popup little annoying messages about the advantages of upgrading to Husband 1.0.
Bug Warning
Husband 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Lover 1.1 before uninstalling Husband 1.0, Husband 1.0 will delete MS Clothing allowance files, before doing the uninstall himself.
More applications that won't run with Husband 1.0 include Chippendale 2.0, Netballwatching 3.5, Suremoreshoes 6.0, and Cleanup 4.3.
Applications that run very well with Husband 1.0, however, include Bummingaround 1.0, Pubnight 2.3, Golfing 2.7, Pokernight 5.3, and Wanderingeyes 4.9.

An uncertain and nervous witne

An uncertain and nervous witness was being cross-examined. The lawyer thundered, "Have you ever been married?"
"Yes, sir," said the witness in a low voice. "Once."
"Whom did you marry?"
"Well, a woman."
The lawyer bellowed angrily, "Of course you married a woman. Did you ever hear of anyone marrying a man?"
To which the witness replied meekly, "My sister did."

Rowing Your Boat

Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat.

The driver blonde turned to her friend and said "You know - it's blondes like that that give us a bad name!"

To this, the other blonde replies "I know it, and if I knew how to swim, I'd go out there and drown her."

Miracle worker...

Two guys and a union worker were fishing on a lake one day, when Jesus walked across the water and joined them in the boat. When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked, humbly, "Jesus, I've suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Vietnam War...could you help me?"

"Of course, my son," Jesus said, and when he touched the man's back, he felt relief for the first time in years.

The second man, who wore very thick glasses and had a hard time reading and driving, asked if Jesus could do anything about his eyesight.

Jesus smiled, removed the man's glasses and tossed them in the lake. When they hit the water, the man's eyes cleared, and he could see everything distinctly.

When Jesus turned to heal the union worker, the guy put his hands up and cried, defensively, "DON'T TOUCH ME! I'm on long-term disability!"

Same colour