Jokes of the day for Sunday, 18 August 2019
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Sunday, 18 August 2019 |
The Right Place
I'm always in the right place!
Unfortunately it's always at the wrong time.
Girl: Baby I am wet.
Girl: Baby I am wet.Boy: Want a paper towel?
Girl: No, I want more than that.
Boy: Want 2 paper towels?
Girl: No, baby I want something big and round.
Boy: Damn you want the whole roll?
How Many Christians Does It Take to Change a Light Bulb?
Charismatic: Only 1 - Hands are already in the air.Pentecostal: 10 - One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.Presbyterians: None - Lights will go on and off at predestined times.Roman Catholic: None - Candles only. (Of guaranteed origin of course.)Baptists: At least 15 - One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad and fried chicken.Episcopalians: 3 - One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks, and one to talk about how much better the old one was.Mormons: 5 - One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.Unitarians: We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, you are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, 3-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.Methodists: Undetermined - Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Bring a bulb of your choice to the Sunday lighting service and a covered dish to pass. Nazarene: 6 - One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.Lutherans: None - Lutherans don't believe in change.Amish: What’s a light bulb?An older couple had a son, who...
An older couple had a son, who was still living with them.The parents were a little worried, as the son was still unableto decide about his career path, so they decided to do a smalltest.They took a ten-dollar bill, a Bible, and a bottle of whiskey,and put them on the front hall table. Then they hid, hopinghe would think they weren't at home.
The father told the mother, "If he takes the money, he will bea businessman; if he takes the Bible, he will be a priest; butif he takes the bottle of whiskey, I'm afraid our son will bea drunkard."
So the parents took their place in the nearby closet and waitednervously, peeping through the keyhole they saw their sonarrive home.
He saw the note they had left, saying they'd be home later.Then, he took the 10-dollar bill, looked at it against thelight, and slid it in his pocket. After that, he took theBible, flicked through it, and took it also. Finally, hegrabbed the bottle, opened it, and took an appreciative whiffto be assured of the quality, then he left for his roomcarrying all the three items.
The father slapped his forehead, and said, "Damn! It's evenworse than I ever imagined..."
"What do you mean?" his wife inquired.
"He's gonna be a politician." the father replied.
Prison vs. Work
IN PRISON...you spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.AT WORK...you spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.
IN PRISON...you get three meals a day.
AT WORK...you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.
IN PRISON...you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK...you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
IN PRISON...a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.
IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON...you get your own toilet.
AT WORK...you have to share.
IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK...you cannot even speak to your family and friends.
IN PRISON...all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON...you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK...you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
IN PRISON...there are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK...they are called managers.
Irish Laughs
Casey married a rich widow, but they didn't get along. One day she said to him, "If it wasn't for my money, that new television wouldn't be here. If it wasn't for my money, that grand piano wouldn't be here. If it wasn't for my money, this house wouldn't be here."
Casey mumbled, "If it wasn't for your money, I wouldn't be here."
Mrs. Dugan and Mrs. Riley were talking one day about Mr. Riley and his constant drinking. Mrs. Dugan said, "I have an idea about how to stop him from spending so much time at the pub. Every night he comes home through the cemetery. One night you should get disguised and spook him when he comes staggering through."
So Mrs. Riley waited in the cemetery one night until she heard her husband coming. She jumped up and a startled Riley said, "Who are you??"
Mrs. Riley replied, "I am the devil!"
With that, Riley shook her hand and said, "Glad to meet ya, I'm married to your sister."
An Irish couple, whose married bliss was not without a few "squalls" received a humble lecture from their priest regarding their disgraceful quarrels.
"Why, that dog and cat you have agree better than you."
"If yer reverence'll tie them together, ye'll soon change yer mind."
Chuck Norris does not go hunti...
Chuck Norris does not go hunting. Chuck Norris goes killing.Converting to the Society of Friends
Rabbi 1: We've got to do something. Many of the young people in our synagogue are converting to the Quaker faith.
Rabbi 2: I've noticed that too. In fact, some of my best Jews are Friends!
Trying to win a Nobel Prize
A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.
The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"
The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."
"How?" asks the man, puzzled.
"Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field."
Mud bath
An elderly man goes into his doctor’s office for an annual physical. After a while, the doctor comes out and says: "I'm sorry, Bill, but we have discovered you have a condition that only allows you another six weeks to live."
"But Doctor," Bill replies, "I feel great. I haven't felt better in years. This just can't be true. Isn't there anything I can do?"
After a moment, the doctor says: "Well, you might start going down the street to that new health spa to take a mud bath every day."
"And that will cure me?" Bill asks excitedly.
"No," replies the doctor: "but it will get you used to the dirt."
It's Probably Okay, Dad
A man in a hurry, taking his 8-year-old son to school, made a turn at a red light where it was prohibited.
"Uh-oh, I just made an illegal turn!" the man said.
"Aw, Dad, it's probably okay," the son said. "The police car right behind us just did the same thing."
