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Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 20 August 2019

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Tuesday, 20 August 2019

Peace and quiet

My partner asked me if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked dinner.

So I took the battery out of the smoke detector

Posted by Offlinecapt k on July 29, 2016, on https://www.redandwhitekop.com forum "Jokes so bad they're funny"

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 8.00/10

Rating: 8.0/10 (16)

Eecho from ridge

“He said I could never get an echo from his ridge, but I called his bluff.”

#joke #short
  • Currently 4.14/10

Rating: 4.1/10 (7)

SLIDESHOW #53 - Funny Photo Slideshow

I Heard It

Little Mary talking to Little Johnny: I found twenty cents on the sidewalk.
Little Johnny: That's mine. I dropped a twenty-cent coin there this morning.
Little Mary: But, what I found was two ten-cent coins!
Little Johnny: That's it. I heard it break when it hit the ground.

#joke
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 8.12/10

Rating: 8.1/10 (17)

 17 how to be be Politically Correct Jokes

How to be Politically Correct when talking about Men (Or Army Men)

-----------

He does not have a beer gut...

He has developed a Liquid Grain Storage Facility.(regular guys)

He has a personal war reserve stock.(army guys)

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He is not quiet...

He is a Conversational Minimalist.

He is a SAMS grad.

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He is not stupid...

He suffers from Minimal Cranial Development.

He is a field grade.

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He does not get lost all the time...

He discovers Alternative Destinations.

He gets temporarily misoriented.

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He is not balding...

He is in Follicle Regression.

He has a REALLY squared away high and tight.

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He is not a cradle robber...

He prefers Generationally Differential Relationships.

He is breaking the new fraternization policies.

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He does not get falling-down drunk...

He becomes Accidentally Horizontal.

He practices his IMTs in the club.

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He is not short...

He is Anatomically Compact.

He suffers from a Napoleon Complex.

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He does not have a rich daddy...

He is a Recipient of Parental Asset Infusion.

He has the Army as a hobby.

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He does not constantly talk about cars...

He has a Vehicular Addiction.

He must be a Transporter.

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He does not have a hot body...

He is Physically Combustible.

He is a PT stud.

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He is not unsophisticated...

He is Socially Challenged.

He is a Ranger.

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He does not eat like a pig...

He suffers from Reverse Bulimia.

He eats like a Ranger student at Pizza Hut.

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He is not a bad dancer...

He is Overly Caucasian.

He is from the Muddy Boots Army.

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He does not hog the blankets...

He is Thermally Unappreciative.

He is a Blue Falcon.

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He is not a male chauvinist pig...

He has Swine Empathy.

He must be combat arms.

-----------

He is not afraid of commitment...

He is Monogamously Challenged.

He loves TDY.

#joke #beer
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 4.25/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (4)

Speeding Ticket

A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The police man approaches the driver's door.

"Is there a problem Officer?"

The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?"

The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."

"You don't have one?"

The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."

The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"

"I'm sorry, I can't do that."

The policeman says, "Why not?"

"I stole this car."

The officer says, "Stole it?"

The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."

At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what!?"

"She's in the boot if you want to see."

The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

The senior officer says "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"

The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem sir?"

"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."

"Murdered the owner?"

The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?"

The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.

The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"

The man says "Yes," and hands over the registration papers.

The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license."

The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, stole this car, and murdered the owner."

The man replies, "I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!"

Also Found on http://www.moc-pages.com 'Jokes and Puns #3' Conversation of i Brick group, posted by King Jaspin on September 26, 2015

#joke #policeman
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 01 October 2018
  • Currently 8.94/10

Rating: 8.9/10 (47)

A little girl asked her father...

A little girl asked her father, "Daddy? Do all Fairy Tales begin with Once Upon A Time?"
He replied, "No, there is a whole series of Fairy Tales that begin with 'If Elected I promise...'"
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 07 November 2016
  • Currently 8.68/10

Rating: 8.7/10 (72)

Annual Convention

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat... As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?" She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston"

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?" "Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name.."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 25 August 2016
  • Currently 7.72/10

Rating: 7.7/10 (18)

Miss Beatrice, the church orga...

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him intoher quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
"Miss Beatrice", he said. "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes" she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter?"
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 05 February 2016
  • Currently 8.08/10

Rating: 8.1/10 (12)

Jupiter's Great Red Spot isn't...

Jupiter's Great Red Spot isn't a storm. It's where Chuck Norris puts his victims.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 20 August 2011
  • Currently 3.65/10

Rating: 3.7/10 (52)

Bee Inconspicuous

Two bees ran into each other. The first bee asked the other how things were going.
"Really bad," said the second bee. "The weather has been really wet and damp and there aren't any flowers or pollen, so I can't make any honey."
"No problem," said the first bee. "Just fly down five blocks and turn left. Keep going until you see all the cars. There's a Bar Mitzvah going on and there are all kinds of fresh flowers and fruit."
"Thanks for the tip," said the second bee, and he flew away.
A few hours later, the two bees ran into each other again. The first bee asked, "How'd it go?""Great!" said the second bee. "It was everything you said it would be."
"Uh, what's that thing on your head?" asked the first bee.
"That's my yarmulke," said the second bee. "I didn't want them to think I was a wasp."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 20 August 2010
  • Currently 5.73/10

Rating: 5.7/10 (45)

A Meticulous Plan Goes Completely Wrong

A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball game.

For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands.

When the day of the game arrived, everything went quite well. As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, “Up Nuts”, and the patients complied by standing up. After the anthem, he yelled, “Down Nuts”, and they all sat back down in their seats.

After a home run was hit, the doctor yelled, “Cheer Nuts” They all broke out into applause and cheered. When the umpire made a particularly bad call against the star of the home team, the Doctor yelled, “Booooo Nuts” and they all started booing and cat calling.

Comfortable with their response, the doctor decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned, there was a riot in progress.

Finding his missing assistant, the doctor asked:” What in the world happened?”

The assistant replied: “Well everything was going just fine until this guy walked by and yelled, “PEANUTS!”

#joke #doctor #beer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 20 August 2018
  • Currently 8.36/10

Rating: 8.4/10 (36)

A guy goes to see the doctor...

A guy goes to see the doctor, because he's a little too well-endowed. In fact, it's 25 inches long and he can't get any women to have sex with him.
Anyway, the doctor says there's nothing he can do medically, but recommends a witch doctor that he thinks might be able to help.
The witch doctor takes a look at the problem and tells him to go to a particular pond, deep in the forest, and talk to a frog that lives there. "Ask the frog to marry you and each time the frog says no, you'll be 5 inches shorter."
Worth a try, he thinks, and off he dashes into the forest. He finds the pond and sees the frog on the other side, sitting on a log. "Frog, will you marry me?"
The frog looks at him, disinterested at best, and calls back, "No."
The guy looks down and sure enough, he's 5 inches shorter. Hey, this is great he thinks -- let's try that again. "Will you marry me?"
The frog rolls his eyes, and shouts back again, "No!"
Zappo! -- the guy's down to 15 inches. Well, that's still a bit excessive, he thinks. Down another 5 would be perfect. So he calls across again, "Frog, will you marry me?"
The irritated frog yells back, "Look..how many times do I have to tell you? No, No, NO!"
#joke #doctor
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 20 August 2016
  • Currently 8.79/10

Rating: 8.8/10 (34)

Learning by example...

Little Johnny was caught swearing by his teacher.

"Johnny," she said, "you shouldn't use that kind of language. Where did you hear such talk, anyway?"

"My daddy said it," he responded.

"Well, that doesn't matter," explained the teacher. "You don't even know what it means."

"I do, too!" Little Johnny retorted. "It means the car won't start."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 20 August 2017
  • Currently 8.97/10

Rating: 9.0/10 (31)

Detecting Indian flatbread

I say my secret superpower is detecting Indian flatbread in any given room.

My friends all say it's naan-sense.

Author: woodybuzzes reddit user.

#joke #short #pun #dadjoke
Joke | Source: Reddit Jokes: Get Your Funny On! - The funniest sub on reddit. Hundreds of jokes posted each day, and some of them aren't even reposts!
  • Currently 6.00/10

Rating: 6.0/10 (8)

Once upon a time Dracula decid...

Once upon a time Dracula decided to carry some sort of a competition to see which is the finest bat to stand on his side. So all the bats were honored to take part. The rules were simple. Whichever bat drinks more blood, will be the winner? So the first bat goes and comes back after 10 minutes. Her mouth was full of blood. Dracula says: "Congratulations, how did you do that?" The bat said: "Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a house. I went in and sucked the blood of all the family". "Very good" said Dracula. The second bat goes and comes back after 5 minutes all her face covered in blood. Dracula astonished says, "How did you do that?" The bat replies " Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a school. I went in and drunk the blood of all the children". "Impressive" said Dracula. Now the third bat goes and comes back after three minutes literally covered in blood from top to toe. Dracula is stunned. "How on earth did you do that????" he asked. And the bat replies. "Do you see this tower?" Dracula replies with a yes. And the bat says "Well, I didn't".
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 08 August 2012
  • Currently 7.13/10

Rating: 7.1/10 (8)

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