Jokes of the day for Thursday, 05 September 2019

Broke student

A college freshman called up his mother and asked her for some money, because he was broke. His mother said,

"Sure, sweetie. I will send you some money. You also left your

calculus book here when you visited 2 weeks ago.

Do you want me to send that up too?"

"Uhh, oh yeah, O.K." responded the student.

So his mom wrapped up the book and mailed it. Dad asked,

"Well how much did you give him?"

"Oh, I wrote 2 checks, one for $20, and the other for $500."

"That's $520!" said dad, "Are you crazy?"

"Don't worry honey," mom said. "I taped the $20 check to the

cover of his book, but I put the $500 one somewhere in ...

chapter 19!

Found on https://vk.com/notes15935520, posted by Liana Parhanita, on 4 Mar 2010

Get punched

“What do you call it when you get punched by a general? Starstruck.”

Did You Take It?

In court, the judge asked the accused, "Did you take Mr. Fred's wallet?"
The accused replied, "Yes, yes I did. I didn't want him to shoot himself."
Confused by the reply, the judge asks, "Why do you think he'd shoot himself with his wallet?"
"Because it was loaded, your honor."

 New Weapon Chicken Gun

Flash - New Weapon in America's Arsenal - Dubbed 'The Chicken Gun'
Senate majority leader Howard H. Baker Jr., expressed astonishment to the Senate, over recent news accounts of an Air Force "chicken gun."
It seems the gun is a converted 20-foot cannon capable of hurling dead four-pound chickens at airplanes at 700 miles per hour ... The armament is used to help find ways to reduce accidents caused by jets hitting birds.
"My first reaction to this story was one of bitterness," Baker told colleagues.
"I wonder why a 'special classified briefing' had not been set up for members of Congress on the new chicken gun and I wondered if Secretary of Defense Casper Weinberger was planning one."
Baker also wondered aloud "how far along the Soviet Union is with the deployment of their 'chicken gun', and how will our Minuteman, Midgetman and Sparrow missles get along with this new weapon..."
Baker went on to wonder if the Navy might be working on it's own version of 'the chicken gun', "which would be, one assumes, a 'chicken of the sea'."
Baker congratulated the Air Force "on it's resourcefulness."
"Despite the fact that there will no doubt be those that will be skeptical of such research, I for one, see nothing more involved than a little 'fowl' play," Baker replied...

A man was crossing a road one

A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week."
The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for a year and do anything you want."
Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, and I'll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The man said, "Look, I'm a Software Engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."

"This is like deja vu all over

"This is like deja vu all over again."
"You can observe a lot just by watching."
"He must have made that before he died." -- Referring to a Steve McQueen movie.
"I want to thank you for making this day necessary." -- On Yogi Berra Appreciation Day in St. Louis in 1947.
"I'd find the fellow who lost it, and, if he was poor, I'd return it." -- When asked what he would do if he found a million dollars.
"Think! How the hell are you gonna think and hit at the same time?"
"You've got to be very careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there."
"I knew I was going to take the wrong train, so I left early."
"If you don't know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else."
"If you can't imitate him, don't copy him."
"You better cut the pizza in four pieces because I'm not hungry enough to eat six."
"Baseball is 90% mental -- the other half is physical."
"It was impossible to get a conversation going; everybody was talking too much."
"Slump? I ain't in no slump. I just ain't hitting."
"A nickel isn't worth a dime today."
"Nobody goes there anymore; it's too crowded."
"It gets late early out there." -- Referring to the bad sun conditions in left field at the stadium.
"Glen Cove." -- Referring to Glenn Close on a movie review television show.
Once, Yogi's wife Carmen asked, "Yogi, you are from St. Louis, we live in New Jersey, and you played ball in New York. If you go before I do, where would you like me to have you buried?" Yogi replied, "Surprise me."
"Do you mean now?" -- When asked for the time.
"I take a two hour nap, from one o'clock to four."
"When you come to a fork in the road, take it."
"You give 100 percent in the first half of the game, and if that isn't enough in the second half you give what's left."
"90% of the putts that are short don't go in."
"I made a wrong mistake."
"Texas has a lot of electrical votes." -- During an election campaign, after George Bush stated that Texas was important to the election.
"Thanks, you don't look so hot yourself." -- After being told he looked cool.
"I always thought that record would stand until it was broken."
"Yeah, but we're making great time!" -- In reply to "Hey Yogi, I think we're lost."
"If the fans don't come out to the ball park, you can't stop them."
"Why buy good luggage? You only use it when you travel."
"It's never happened in the World Series competition, and it still hasn't."
"How long have you known me, Jack? And you still don't know how to spell my name." -- Upon receiving a check from Jack Buck made out to "bearer."
"I'd say he's done more than that." -- When asked if first baseman Don Mattingly had exceeded expectations for the current season.
"The other teams could make trouble for us if they win."
"He can run anytime he wants. I'm giving him the red light." -- On the acquisition of fleet Ricky Henderson.
"I never blame myself when I'm not hitting. I just blame the bat, and if it keeps up, I change bats. After all, if I know it isn't my fault that I'm not hitting, how can I get mad at myself?"
"It ain't the heat; it's the humility."
"The towels were so thick there I could hardly close my suitcase."
"You should always go to other people's funerals; otherwise, they won't come to yours."
"I didn't really say everything I said."

Name that bird...

Joe, a college student, was taking a course in ornithology, the study of birds. The night before the biggest test of the semester, Joe spent all night studying. He had the textbook nearly memorized. He knew his class notes backward and forward. Joe was ready.

The morning of the test, Joe entered the auditorium and took a seat in the front row. On the table in the front was a row of ten stuffed birds. Each bird had a sack covering its body, and only the legs were showing. When class started, the professor announced that the students were to identify each bird by looking at its legs and give its common name, species, habitat, mating habits, etc.

Joe looked at each of the birds' legs. They all looked the same to him. He started to get angry. He had stayed up all night studying for this test and now he had to identify birds by their LEGS? The more he thought about the situation, the angrier he got.

Finally he reached his boiling point. He stood up, marched up to the professor's desk, crumpled up his exam paper and threw it on the desk. "What a ridiculous test!" he told the prof. "How could anyone tell the difference between these birds by looking at their legs? This exam is the biggest rip-off I've ever seen!"

With that, Joe turned and stormed toward the exit. The professor was a bit shocked, and it took him a moment to regain his composure. Then, just as Joe was about to walk out the door, the prof shouted out, "Wait a minute, young man, what's your name?"

Joe turned around, pulled up his pant legs and hollered, "You tell me, prof! You tell me!"

Chuck Norris uses pepper spray...

Chuck Norris uses pepper spray to spice up his steaks.

Dear Employees...

Dear Employees:
It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the Service have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.
Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.
We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.
Therefore,a list of 18 New and Innovative 'TRY SAYING' phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.
Number 1
TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training..
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.
Number 2
TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a f___ing bit__.
Number 3
TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?
Number 4
TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.
Number 5
TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh___ing me!
Number 6
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.
Number 7
TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f___ing problem.
Number 8
TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f___?
Number 9
TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.
Number 10
TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn't you tell me sooner?
Number 11
TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues...
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.
Number 12
TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.
Number 13
TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.
Number 14
TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F__ it, I'm on salary.
Number 15
TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.
Number 16
TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This f___ing job sucks.
Number 17
TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?
Number 18
TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck.
Thank You,Human Resources

An insurance agent's wife was ...

An insurance agent's wife was learning to drive when the brakes failed. "What should I do?" she cried. "Brace yourself, and try to hit something cheap."

Not tonight, Adam

After a few days, the Lord called to Adam and said, "It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth, so I want you to kiss her." Adam answered, "Yes, Lord, but what is a 'kiss'?" The Lord gave a brief description to Adam, who then took Eve by the hand and led her to a nearby bush. A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, "Thank you, Lord. That was enjoyable." And the Lord replied, "Yes, Adam, I thought you might enjoy that. Now I'd like you to caress Eve."And Adam said, "What is 'caress'?" So the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve. Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, "Lord, that was even better than the kiss!" And the Lord said, "You've done well, Adam. Now I want you to make love to Eve."And Adam asked, "What is 'make love' Lord?" So the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he reappeared in two seconds. And Adam said, "Lord, what is a 'headache'?"

A Russian party-official arriv...

A Russian party-official arrives late at night to his hotel (in Russia). He is not surprised to find that his reservation has been mislaid but he is more than a little peeved that his status in the party isn't enough to get him a good room anyway. However, the clerk insists, the only bed they have left is the fourth bunk in a 4-bed dorm - he'll have to make do with that. The Russian grumbles but eventually he picks up his suitcase and heads for the dorm. On his way, he meets a chamber-maid and thinking he might as well try to make friends with his room-mates, he asks her to bring them four cups of tea.

As he enters the dorm, he finds that the other three guests are Polish, they are having a fairly wild party and they're very drunk. They also ignore him totally from the moment he enters. After sitting there for several minutes, he realizes he can't stand them anymore and decides to pull a joke on them. He stands up, grasps a floor lamp and speaking into the light-bulb as if it were a microphone he says:

"Comrade Colonel, we would like four cups of tea to our room immediately!" The Poles stare at him in disbelief, which turns to horror as the chamber-maid knocks on the door and delivers the tea a few minutes later. In about 30 seconds the Poles have all packed their bags and fled the hotel. Our Russian gets the entire room to himself. He sleeps very soundly.

The next morning, however, as he's checking out and is about to leave, the desk-clerk calls after him:

"By the way, Sir, the Comrade Colonel said to tell you he appreciated your little joke last night!"

A guy goes to the supermarket...

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.
She says hello. He's rather taken a back because he can't place where he knows her. So he says, "Do you know me?"
To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife, and he says, "Oh, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I did on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped me with wet celery?"
The woman looks sternly into his eyes and says very calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."

The godfather

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of $10 million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer 'Ask him where the $10 million bucks he embezzled from me is'. The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is?

The bookkeeper signs back: 'I don't know what you are talking about'. The attorney tells the Godfather: 'He says he doesn't know what you're talking about'. The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple and says, 'Ask him again'! The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: 'He'll kill you if you don't tell him'! The bookkeeper signs back: 'OK! OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens'!

The Godfather asks the attorney: 'Well, what'd he say'? The attorney replies: 'He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger'.

107 Funny Christmas Jokes and Puns 2023

Christmas jokes and puns from 2023, although some older jokes might slip through

If these 107 Christmas jokes is not enough for you, please find lot more of Christmas jokes in our Christmas jokes collection

1. What does the Gingerbread Man use to make his bed? Cookie sheets!
2. What's Santa Claus's favourite track & field event? North Pole-vaulting!
3. That sly smile on your face has me thinking you’re up to snow good.
4. I didn't think this party would be such a drag; I'm snow bored.
5. What was Santa's best subject in school? Chemistree.
6. What did the peanut butter say to the grape on Christmas? This is the season to be jelly.
7. What's Santa Claus's favourite type of potato chip? Crisp Pringles!
8. All I want for Christmas is ewe.
9. I'm pine-ing for you.
10. Have snow fear—Christmas is here!
11. Your presents are requested.
12. Why did Santa put a clock in his sleigh? He wanted to see time fly!
13. What do you call a reindeer ghost? A cari-boo!
14. I bought my son a refrigerator for Xmas – I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
15. The moment you stop believing in Santa is when you start getting clothes for Christmas.
16. This fire is so cozy, the snuggle is real.
17. I'll be ho-ho-home for Xmas.
18. A round of Santa-plause, please.
19. Happy howlidays! Hope Santa Paws brings you lots of treats.
20. Sending you pugs and kisses this Christmas.
21. Who delivers Christmas presents to pets? Santa Paws.
22. Yappy Holidays and a Happy New Year.
23. Where does Santa stay when he goes on vacation? At a ho-ho-ho-tel.
24. These decorations are tree-mendous.
25. I only have ice for you.
26. It is ice to meet you.
27. Have your elf a merry little Christmas.
28. How do dogs sing jingle bells? Dachshund through the snow…
29. Merry Xmas. Hope it’s not too ruff!
30. How do Chihuahuas say merry Christmas? iFleas Navidog.
31. What did the dog say to the Xmas tree? Bark.
32. Santa’s little yelper wants to wish you a Merry Christmas.
33. Why was the dog upset about the Xmas tree? He was not even allowed to bring sticks into the house.
34. Someone’s barking up the wrong Christmas tree.
35. Paws a moment this Christmas to reflect on what the season is all about!
36. What do you call a wet dog with a bell on his collar? Jingle smells!
37. It is never chew late to wish you a Happy Holidays.
38. If you’re lucky this Xmas, Santa Claus will grace you with his presents.
39. That look soots you.
40. What do snowmen eat for breakfast? Snowflakes.
41. Children who don’t learn to tie their shoes properly are bound to wind up on the knotty list.
42. It is the most wonderful time for a beer.
43. The festive season has me feeling extra Santa-mental.
44. How do dogs decorate for Xmas? They deck the paws with bows of collie.
45. What do you do when it’s raining cats and dogs? Nothing; as long as it does not reindeer.
46. You sleigh me.
47. I’ll never fir-get.
48. In 2020, the best gift will be hand Santa-tizer.
49. You’re the best person I snow.
50. It’s the most wine-derful time of the year.
51. I love when candy canes are in mint condition.
52. Rebel without a Claus.
53. You’re my soul Santa.
54. What do snowmen eat for lunch? Ice burgers!
55. What kind of music do elves listen to? Wrap.
56. What do you call an old snowman? Water.
57. Where do snowmen keep money? In a snow bank.
58. What do you call Frosty the Snowman in May? A puddle!
59. Which of Santa's reindeer has bad manners? Rude-alph!
60. Why didn't the skeleton go to the Yule party? He had no-body to go with.
61. What do you get if you combine Santa and a duck? A Xmas Quacker!
62. What type of cars do elves drive? Toy-otas.
63. When I think about you, I touch my elf.
64. He is a fungi to be with.
65. Eat, drink, and be tacky.
66. I got my wife a wooden leg for Christmas. It’s a real stocking filler!
67. You’ve got balls coming in here dressed like that.
68. What is the worst Christmas present? A broken drum, you can't beat it.
69. Did you hear about the mall Santa who lost his job? He was fired for Clause.
70. What do you call people who are afraid of Santa clause? Claustrophobic.
71. How does Santa keep track of all the fireplaces he has visited? He keeps a log book.
72. Why is Santa banned from sooty chimneys? Carbon footprints.
73. What do you call a cow that lives in an igloo? An eskimoo.
74. Santa's beard is so long because he's bad at shaving. Why do you think they call him Saint Nick?
75. What kind of linens do gingerbread men put on their beds? Cookie sheets.
76. Single bells, single bells, single all the way.
77. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.
78. Why are Christmas trees so bad at sewing? They keep dropping their needles.
79. Who hides in the bakery at Xmas? A mince spy.
80. How do the elves clean Santa's sleigh on the day after Christmas? They use Santa-tizer!
81. What do snowmen have for breakfast? Snowflakes.
82. Eat, drink, and be meowy.
83. Have a meowy Christmas.
84. Merry catmas! Hope you have a Purr-fect Holiday season!
85. May your days be meowy and bright.
86. All I want for Xmas is mew.
87. Here comes Santa Claws, here comes Santa Claws…
88. Catty Canes.
89. The tree and I are getting lit this Christmas.
90. Are you oakay? Yes, I'm pine!
91. I love hanging with you this season.
92. Never fir-get how beautiful Christmas trees are.
93. Have a tree-mendous Christmas.
94. Hey DJ, drop the needles. Can I get a watt watt?
95. I think my tree and I have a really good chemis-tree.
96. Don’t forget that everyone is rooting for you.
97. This year my tree is #ballin.
98. Ornamentary, my dear Watt-son.
99. Hey tree, do not leaf me hanging.
100. Looking at you is like reading poetree.
101. Birch, please.
102. I love the festive season more than you think.
103. Yes, I do consider myself a Christmas tree hugger.
104. I’m having fun fir sure.
105. I love you a whole watt.
106. What a de-light you are to be around.
107. Advice from a tree: stand tall and proud, go out on a limb, remember your roots, and drink plenty of water.