Jokes of the day for Sunday, 08 September 2019

Trainload Crash

A truckload of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins.
It was a turtle disaster.

Mailman kidnapped

“The mailman who was kidnapped by organ harvesters got delivered.”

 You Might Be A Redneck If 67

You might be a reneck if...
You watch "The Dukes Of Hazzard" and have to find someone to explain it to you.
Your mom kisses you goodnight and you go to school the next day and say you've met your future wife.
When your wife walks in front of you it looks like two pigs fighting in a gunny sack.
Your only excuse for smelling bad is it runs in the family.
Your favorite fruit is chicken.
You think those yellow traffic signs that say "Slow children at play" means the kids in the area are not too bright.
At least one of the kitchen appliances on your front porch is more than forty years old.
You think "Country & Western" covers both types of music.
You've ever used a hangnail as a tooth pick.

Now that food has replaced sex

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even getinto my own pants.
Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with arelative.
Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."
I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screameror a moaner.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport theterminal?
I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of themget elected.
There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and sh*t head's.
I love being married. It's so great to find that one specialperson you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number ofconsecutive days I've stayed alive.
How come we choose from just two people to run for presidentand 50 for Miss America?
Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having apeeing section in a swimming pool?

The pharmacist

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9, or 12 and asks which the young man wants.

"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the night." We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out after that. And I have a feeling that I'm going to get lucky, so you better give me the 12 pack. The young man makes his purchase and leaves.

Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."

He leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father was a pharmacist."

He was in ecstasy with a huge

He was in ecstasy with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved forward, then backwards, forward, then backwards again, back and forth... back and forth... in and out....
She could feel the sweat on her forehead, between her breasts and trickling down the small of her back. She was getting near to the end. Her heart was pounding, her face was flushed...
Then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder...
Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted, "Okay, Okay! I can’t park the car!!! You do it, you bastard!!!"

Perverted sex

What do you call a man who has sex with his mom?

A MOTHER FUCKER!

Once a grizzly bear threatened...

Once a grizzly bear threatened to eat Chuck Norris. Chuck showed the bear his fist and the bear proceeded to eat himself, because it would be the less painful way to die.

Arj Barker: Friends With Kids

I only have, like, three really good friends, and they get worse every year. And its gotten to the point where I think theyd rather hang out with their own kids than hang out with me. Im like, Alright, but really, wheres the loyalty, man? Ive known you for 25 years. How long have you known your baby -- like a month? Alright, Judas, whatever.

Terrorize Telemarketer

Ways to Terrorize a Telemarketer

1. Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down.
   
2. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"
   
3. Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them if they will give you their HOME phone number so you can call them back. When the telemarketer explains that they cannot give out their HOME number, you say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The telemarketer will agree and you say, "Now you know how I feel!"
   
4. After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.
   
5. Tell the telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you a case of beer and some chips.
   
6. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
   
7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends... would you be my friend?"
   
8. Cry out in surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of pause as she tries to figure out where the hell she could know you from.
   
9. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
   
10. When they ask "How are you today?" Tell them! "I'm so glad you asked because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..."
    

Borrowed the Car

After shopping for most of the day, a couple returns to find their car has been stolen. They go to the police station to make a full report. Then, a detective drives them back to the parking lot to see if any evidence can be found at the scene of the crime. To their amazement, the car has been returned.

There is an envelope on the windshield with a note of apology and two tickets to a music concert. The note reads, “I apologize for taking your car, but my wife was having a baby and I had to hot-wire your ignition to rush her to the hospital. Please forgive the inconvenience. Here are two tickets for tonight's concert of Garth Brooks, the country-and-western music star.”

Their faith in humanity restored, the couple attend the concert and return home late. They find their house has been robbed. Valuable goods have been taken from thoughout the house, from basement to attic. And, there is a note on the door reading, “Well, you still have your car. I have to put my newly born kid through college somehow, don't I?”

Party Hardy

What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?
"SUPPLIES!"

Bee Inconspicuous

Two bees ran into each other. The first bee asked the other how things were going.
"Really bad," said the second bee. "The weather has been really wet and damp and there aren't any flowers or pollen, so I can't make any honey."
"No problem," said the first bee. "Just fly down five blocks and turn left. Keep going until you see all the cars. There's a Bar Mitzvah going on and there are all kinds of fresh flowers and fruit."
"Thanks for the tip," said the second bee, and he flew away.
A few hours later, the two bees ran into each other again. The first bee asked, "How'd it go?""Great!" said the second bee. "It was everything you said it would be."
"Uh, what's that thing on your head?" asked the first bee.
"That's my yarmulke," said the second bee. "I didn't want them to think I was a wasp."

Hot Robin, Hot Summer

It's been really hot this summer.
The other day I saw a robin pulling a worm out of the ground using potholders.

Crucifixion is done...

“Crucifixion is done after cross examination!”