Jokes of the day for Monday, 02 December 2019
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 02 December 2019 |
Home Burglar Survey
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.
February 1, 1993
A survey of home burglars' work preferences published in Whittle Communications' Special Report magazine revealed that 32 percent like to browse through family photographs while on the job, 27 percent like to raid the refrigerator, and 7 percent watch TV.
Seventy percent of the 191 imprisoned burglars reported they like to limit their jobs to a 20-minute maximum, 17 percent wondered what their victims were like, and 59 percent said a dog in the home was the most effective burglary deterrent.
The Three Week Diet
A man says to a friend, “My wife is on a three-week diet.”
“Oh, yeah? How much has she lost so far?” asks his pal.
He replies, “Two weeks.”
Claire, after retiring from a
Claire, after retiring from a busy life in business, travels around the country visiting antique shops trying to find bargains.One day she goes to an antique shop in Stratford upon Avon, England. Here, Claire speaks to Victoria, the shop's owner, "When I was in here last week I saw a big mug with a flat head that holds a lot of beer. I'd like to buy it."
"Sorry," replied Victoria, "but I can't possibly sell you that."
"Oh, what a pity, but why not?" inquired Claire.
"Because," said the owner, "that's my husband."
Denounce the devil!
The Priest was preparing a man for his long day's journey into night. Whispering firmly, the Priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of him!"
The dying man said nothing.
The priest repeated his order.
Still the man said nothing.
The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?"
The dying man said, "Until I know for sure where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody."
A young preacher was contacted
A young preacher was contacted by the local funeral director to holda grave-side committal service at a small local cemetery for someonewith no family or friends. The preacher started early but quickly gothimself lost, making several wrong turns.He arrived a half-hour late, the hearse was nowhere in sight, and theworkmen were eating lunch.
The pastor went to the open grave and found the vault lid already inplace. Taking out his book, he read the service.
As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say:"Think we should tell him it's a septic tank?"
Recently a teacher, a garbage ...
Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question. St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it." The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate. St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't REALLY need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?"
Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie and answered, "about 1,500." "That's right! You may enter." St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "Name them."
Chuck Norris once shot an enem...
Chuck Norris once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"Growing Wild
Here is this guy who really takes care of his body; he lifts weights and jogs five miles every day.
One morning, he looks into the mirror and admires his body. He notices that he is really sun tanned all over except one part and he decides to do something about it.
He goes to the beach, completely undresses and buries himself in the dand except for the one part sticking out.
Two little old ladies are strolling along the beach and one looks down and says, "There really is no justice in this world."
The other little old lady says, "What do you mean?"
The first little old lady says, "Look at that."
"When I was 10 years old, I was afraid of it."
"When I was 20 years old, I was curious about it."
"When I was 30 years old, I enjoyed it."
"When I was 40 years old, I asked for it."
"When I was 50 years old, I paid for it."
"When I was 60 years old, I prayed for it."
"When I was 70 years old, I forgot about it."
"And now that I'm 80, the damned things are growing wild!!"
Better Than Botox?
Q. What's the name of a face lotion developed for Jewish women?
A. Oil of Oy Vey
- Joke shared by Beliefnet member BeliefnetSabee
Mike Birbiglia: Illiterate People
I shouldnt say bad stuff about illiterate people, though. I should write it. 20 more of 2020 Halloween Jokes
Q: Where does Count Dracula usually eat his lunch?
A: At the casketeria.
Q: What part of the street do vampires live on?
A: The dead end.
Q: What do you get when you divide your jack-o’-lantern’s circumference by its diameter?
A: Pumpkin-pi!
Q: What can you say about a horrible mummy joke?
A: It Sphinx!
Q: What do you call a vampire that lives in a kitchen?
A: Count Spatula.
Q: What do ghosts wear when their eyesight gets blurred?
A: Spooktacles
Q: What would be the national holiday for a nation of vampires?
A: Fangs-giving!
Q: What’s a zombie’s favorite cereal?
A: Rice Creepies.
Q: Where do ghosts go on holidays?
A: The Boohamas.
Q: What did one ghost say to the other?
A: Get a life!
Q: What did the fisherman say on Halloween?
A: Trick or trout. How do ghosts search the
Q: Web?
A: They use ghoul-gle.
Q: What goes around a haunted house and never stops?
A: A fence.
Q: Who do monsters buy cookies from?
A: Ghoul scouts.
Q: Why is a cemetery a great place to write a story?
A: Because there are so many plots there!
Q: Why do Jack-o-lanterns have wicked smiles?
A: Because they just had their brains scooped out!
Q: Where is the best place to party on Halloween?
A: The g-RAVE-yard.
Q: Why did the baby wrap itself in white cloth strips?
A: It was just trying to be just like its mummy.
Q: Why do ghosts like to hang out at bars?
A: Because all of the Boos.
Q: Who won the skeleton beauty contest?
A: No body.
A magician was working on a cr...
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician does in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show: Look, it's not the same hat. Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table! Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything, it was the captain's parrot after all. One day the ship had an accident and sunk. The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, with the parrot of course. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day, and another, and another.
After a week the parrot finally said: OK. I give up. What'd you do with the boat ?
Fish trap
This fisherman goes to the river to check an illegal fish trap that he owns. He looks around to make sure there are no Fishing Inspectors about and proceeds to pull the fish trap out to check it.
An Inspector steps out of the bushes, “Ahha!” he said and the fisherman spun around and yelled “Shiiiit!”. The Inspector, who wasn't expecting such a response said “Settle down, I'm the Fishing Inspector”. “Thank God for that” said the fisherman, “I thought you were the bugger who owned this fish trap”.
