Jokes of the day for Monday, 09 December 2019

“The gymnast's feat

“The gymnast's feat of jumping on asymmetrical bars remains unparalleled!”

A Bite On My Neck

Patient: Doctor I think I've been bitten by a vampire.
Doctor: Drink this water.
Patient: Will this make me feel better?
Doctor: No, but I'll be able to see leaks and know where the vampire bit you.

A man goes to see his bank man

A man goes to see his bank manager one day and says: "I'd like to start a small business. How do I go about it?"
"That's simple," replies the bank manager. "All you have to do is buy a big one and wait."

Honest...

An investment counselor went out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized she needed an in-house counsel, so she began interviewing young lawyers.

"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question."

She leaned forward.

"Mr. Peterson, are you an *honest* lawyer?"

"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me fifteen thousand dollars for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."

"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"

The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."

 Washington Crazy Law

It is illegal to paint polka dots on the American flag.

All motor vehicles must be preceded by a man carrying a red flag (daytime) or a red lantern (nighttime) fifty feet in front of said vehicle.

People may not buy a mattress on Sunday.

You cannot buy meat of any kind on Sunday.

All lollipops are banned.

You are breaking the law if you sell or place in the stream of commerce a crib that has: corner posts that extend more than 1/16-inch above end panels; slats more than 2 3/8 inches apart; a mattress support that releases easily from corner posts; cutout designs on the end panels; tears in mesh or fabric; missing or loose screws, bolts, or hardware; sharp edges, points, or rough surfaces on wood surfaces that are not smooth and free from splinters, splits or cracks. The new Infant Crib Safety Act in California (AB 3760, Speier), Colorado (SB 98-023,Pascoe and Morrison) and Washington State (SSB 6229, Kohl and Pennington) states that "no commercial user shall manufacture, retrofit, sell, contract to sell or resell, lease, sublet or otherwise place in the stream of commerce, a full-size or non-full-size crib that is unsafe for any infant using the crib.

It is illegal to pretend that one's parents are rich.

You are not allowed to breast feed in public.

When two trains come to a crossing, neither shall go until the other has passed.

A law to reduce crime states: "It is mandatory for a motorist with criminal intentions to stop at the city limits and telephone the chief of police as he is entering the town."

Auburn

Men who deflower virgins, regardless of age or marital status, may face up to five years in jail.

Bremerton

You may not shuck peanuts on the street.

Everett

It is illegal to display a hypnotized or allegedly hypnotized person in a store window.

Lynden

Dancing and drinking may not occur at the same establishment.

Seattle

You may not carry a concealed weapon that is over six feet in length.

Women who sit on men's laps on buses or trains without placing a pillow between them face an automatic six-month jail term.

No one may set fire to another person's property without prior permission.

It is illegal to carry a fishbowl or aquarium onto a bus because the sound of the water sloshing may disturb other passengers.

Spokane

TV's may not be bought on Sundays.

Waldron Island

No structure shall contain more than two toilets that use potable water for flushing. -San Juan County Ordinance NO. 7 -1995 (Passed June 7,1995)

Wilbur

You may not ride an ugly horse.

#joke #policeman #animal #horse #food #peanuts #meat

A trucker who has been out on...

A trucker who has been out on the road for three weeks stops into a brothel outside Vegas. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich!!!"
The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal."
The trucker replies, "Listen sweetheart, I ain’t horny, I’m homesick."

A very shy guy goes into a bar...

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at thebar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to herand asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for awhile?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep withyou tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.
Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinksback to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. Shesmiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm agraduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond toembarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"

Paul F. Tompkins: Airline Security Drawings

As Im standing there, I see they have a little sign with pictures of things you are not allowed to bring on the plane anymore. And they have, like, little drawings: circle, line through it, No! One of the things you cant bring on the plane anymore is a bomb -- no, no, they had a picture, cant do it. And it was the classic cartoon bomb, like the bowling ball with the little sparky whip coming out of it. And then you might think, Oh, I got a way around that. Uh-uh, not so fast -- they also had a picture of the bundle of dynamite with the clock.

Women and Bad Weather

Q: What do women, tornadoes and hurricanes have in common?
A: They all get the house.

April Fool's Day - Suggestions

This one is cuter, I think I would chuckle until I found the carts were all locked together and I didn’t have a quarter….

Try To Explain Women

A man dies and goes to Heaven. He gets to meet GOD and asks GOD if he can ask him a few questions.
"Sure," GOD says, "Go right ahead".
"OK," the man says. "Why did you make women so pretty?"
GOD says, "So you would like them."
"OK," the guy says. "But how come you made them so beautiful?"
"So you would LOVE them", GOD replies.
The man ponders a moment and then asks, "But why did you make them such airheads?"
GOD says, "So they would love you!"

Smashing The Cigarettes

A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes. In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump. "No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes," he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump.
As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. "Here," she said, handing him his pack of cigarettes. "I found them in the hallway." "Now," she said, "if only I could find my gerbil."

33 Jokes for Teens Guaranteed to Make Them Smile

Q: Why do teenage girls travel in odd numbers?
A: Because they can't even.

Q: Why can't a T-Rex clap their hands?
A: Because they're extinct.

Q: What do you call a belt with a watch on it?
A: A waist of time.

Q: What is the wake-up time for ducks?
A: The quack of dawn.

Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: Look for the fresh prints.

Q: What do you get when you mix sulfur, tungsten, and silver?
A: SWAG.

Q: What do you call high school kids who haven’t been able to go to school because of COVID-19?
A: Quaranteens.

Q: How do you drown a hipster?
A: In the mainstream.

Q: What do you call hiking U.S. college students?
A: The walking debt.

Q: What kind of tea is hard to swallow?
A: Reali-tea.

Q: Why did the math book bummed?
A: It had a lot of problems.

Q: Why did God supposedly make men before He made women?
A: Because everyone needs a rough draft.

Q: How do you communicate with a fish?
A: Drop it a line.

Q: Why shouldn’t you worry about passing math?
A: Because it's easy as pi.

Q: Why do pimples make horrible prisoners?
A: Because they keep breaking out.

Q: What do you call a grizzly with bad teeth?
A: A gummy bear.

Q: How do you know when you’re desperate for an answer?
A: You look at the second page of Google search results.

Q: What do computers snack on?
A: Microchips.

Q: What is a teenager who never grows called?
A: Constantine.

Q: Why does ice cream get invited to every party?
A: It's cool and sweet.

Q: What did the grape say when it was pinched?
A: Nothing, it just started to wine.

Q: How are parties organized at NASA?
A: They planet.

Q: What's the most hardworking part of the eye?
A: The pupil.

Q: How does the moon cut its hair?
A: It e-clips it.

Q: What do you call a Minecraft meetup IRL?
A: A block party.

Q: Why can't you trust an atom?
A: Because they make up everything.

Q: What do you call a belt with a watch on it?
A: A waist of time.

Q: What has four wheels and flies?
A: A garbage truck!

Q: What’s worse than finding a worm in your apple?
A: Finding half a worm in your apple.

Q: Why are spiders such know-it-alls?
A: They’re always on the web.

Q: Why are eggs bad at telling jokes?
A: They always crack each other up.

Q: What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?
A: Don't know, don't care.

Q: What do you call hiking U.S. college students?
A: The walking debt.

After Dinner Routine

Both my wife and I are bad cooks.
Our cooking is so bad, that our kids have started praying after we've had dinner.

If you love something....

If you love something, set it free.

If it comes back, it will always be yours.

If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with.

But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realize you set it free...

You either married it or gave birth to it.