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Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 25 December 2019

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Wednesday, 25 December 2019

Several men are in the locker

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
Man: "Hello."
Woman: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
Man: "Yes."
Woman: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
Man: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
Woman: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007 models. I saw one I really liked."
Man: "How much?"
Woman: "$65,000."
Man: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
Woman: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
Man: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."
Woman: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
Man: "Bye, I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.
Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know whose phone this is?"
#joke #food #honey #sport #golf
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 8.25/10

Rating: 8.3/10 (8)

6 Funny Christmas Jokes

"What do you call Santa’s most impolite reindeer?"
"Rude-olph."

"What street in France do reindeer live on?"
"Rue Dolph."

"How much does it cost Santa to park his sleigh and reindeer?"
"Nothing, it’s on the house!"

"What did Mrs. Claus say to Santa when she looked up in the sky?"
"Looks like rein, deer!"

"Why doesn’t Santa use reindeer milk in his coffee?"
"He’s on a non-deery diet."

"What kind of money do reindeer use?"
"Bucks!"

#joke #christmas #animal #reindeer #drinks #milk #coffee
Joke | Source: Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 4.44/10

Rating: 4.4/10 (9)

Body shops

“Body shops do a bang up business.”

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Funny puns and jokes - the largest collection of humorous jokes on the internet. New pun added daily.
  • Currently 5.40/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (5)

 Chemistry Is Boring


IT'S OFFICIAL : CHEMISTRY LECTURES ARE A YAWN.
October 9, 1995
A scientist has come up with proof of something students have known for years -- chemistry lectures are boring. In an article published in the current issue of Chemistry in Britain, a university chemistry lecturer introduced a guest lecturer to a class of 50 doctoral candidates.
Then, he and his colleagues studied variations in what he calls the HTFDR -- "head-to-floor distance reduction." After about an hour , the average HTFDR dropped from 135cm to 121cm, said the author of the study, who preferred to remain anonymous.
The HTFDR immediately bounced back to normal when the speaker uttered the magic words: "And in conclusion . . ."

#joke
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 8.83/10

Rating: 8.8/10 (12)

A man went to the All Star

A man went to the All Stars game with two front row seat tickets. He sat down and then another man asked him if the other chair was taken. The man said " no, it was supposed to be for my wife." The other man said " well where is she? And he... ( See Rest )

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Laugh Factory Network - Watch our huge library of the best stand-up comedy videos, get information on our stand-up comedians, read our joke of the day
  • Currently 3.60/10

Rating: 3.6/10 (5)

I Know Something

I figured that at age seven it was inevitable for my son to begin having doubts about Santa Claus. Sure enough, one day he said, "Mom, I know something about Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy."
Taking a deep breath, I asked him, "What is that?"
He replied, "They're all nocturnal."

#joke #animal #bunny #mother #mom
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 7.20/10

Rating: 7.2/10 (5)

Diagnose this patient

The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test.

Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"

A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"

#joke #doctor
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 30 December 2016
  • Currently 9.71/10

Rating: 9.7/10 (17)

Demetri Martin: Christmas Wrapping

I set a personal record on Christmas. I got my shopping done three weeks ahead of time. I had all the presents back at my apartment, I was halfway through wrapping them, and I realized, Damn, I used the wrong wrapping paper. The paper I used said, Happy Birthday. I didnt want to waste it, so I just wrote Jesus on it.
#joke #christmas
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 25 December 2010
  • Currently 5.44/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (48)

A Blonde walks into a Restarau...

A Blonde walks into a Restaraunt, and she goes straight to the bulletin board in the back. The blonde is looking at the bulletin board and she sees a piece of paper that sais "Ocean Cruise Only 5$" She pulls the piece of paper off the wall and goes to the address listed on the back of paper. She walks into the building and hands the secretary the piece of paper. The secretary nods and asks if she had the five dollars. The blonde nods and pulls five dollars out of her pocket and hands it to the secretary. The secretary looks over to a burly black guy reading a news paper. She nods to the black guy. He stood up and nocks the blonde unconcious. When the blonde wakes up she's tied to a log and is floating down river. She started to think that this was a bad idea. When she sees one of her freinds (who is also blonde) tied to a log floating right next to her. In a Joking manner blonde she looks at her freind and says "So do you think they're going to serve us some food on this trip?"
The other blonde replies "They didn't serve any last year."
#joke #blonde #food
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 25 December 2009
  • Currently 5.13/10

Rating: 5.1/10 (47)

An Israeli doctor says...

An Israeli doctor says: "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in 6 weeks." A British doctor says: "That is nothing; we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in 4 weeks." A Canadian doctor says: "In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in 2 weeks." A Nigerian doctor, not to be outdone, says: "You guys are way behind...... We just took a man with NO brain, made him President, and now the whole country is looking for work.
#joke #doctor
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 25 December 2011
  • Currently 6.93/10

Rating: 6.9/10 (41)

Kittens

A three-year-old went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother there were two boy kittens and two girl kittens.

"How did you know?" his mother asked.

"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it was printed on the bottom."

Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 25 December 2016
  • Currently 8.45/10

Rating: 8.4/10 (38)

Meals in Heaven

Seymour was a good and pious man, and when he passed away,

the Lord himself greeted him at the pearly gates of Heaven.

"Hungry, Seymour?" the Lord asked.

"I could eat," said Seymour. The Lord opened a can of tuna,

and they shared it.

While eating this humble meal, Seymour looked down into Hell

and noticed the inhabitants devouring enormous steaks,

pheasant, pastries and vodka.

The next day, the Lord again asked Seymour if he was hungry,

and Seymour again said, "I could eat." Once again, a can of

tuna was opened and shared, while down below Seymour noticed

a feast of caviar, champagne, lamb, truffles, brandy and

chocolates.

The following day, mealtime arrived and another can of tuna

was opened. Meekly, Seymour said, "Lord, I am very happy to

be in Heaven as a reward for the good life I lived. But, this

is Heaven, and all I get to eat is tuna. But in the

Other Place, they eat like Kings. I just don't understand."

"To be honest, Seymour," the Lord said, "for just two

people, does it pay to cook?"

#joke #animal #lamb #food #chocolate #steak #meal #eating #hungry #drinks #champagne #vodka
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 25 December 2010
  • Currently 7.00/10

Rating: 7.0/10 (30)

A blonde walks into a doctor...

A blonde walks into a doctor's office and says, "Doc, I'm horribly sick!"
The doctor looks at her and asks, "Flu?"
"No, I drove here."
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 7.43/10

Rating: 7.4/10 (23)

A woman goes into an antique s...

A woman goes into an antique shop and says to the owner, "When I was in here last week I saw a big mug with a flat head that holds a lot of beer. I'd like to buy it."
"Sorry," replied the owner, "but I can't sell you that."
"Why not?" asked the customer.
"Because that's my husband."
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 09 March 2017
  • Currently 8.56/10

Rating: 8.6/10 (16)

A boy had reached four without...

A boy had reached four without giving up the habit of sucking his thumb, though his mother had tried everything from bribery to reasoning to painting it with lemon juice to discourage the habit. Finally she tried threats, warning her son that, "If you don't stop sucking your thumb, your stomach is going to blow up like a balloon." Later that day, walking in the park, mother and son saw a pregnant woman sitting on a bench. The four-year-old considered her gravely for a minute, then spoke to her saying, "Uh-oh ... I know what you've been doing."
#joke #fruit #lemon #drinks #juice #mother
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 29 March 2015
  • Currently 8.23/10

Rating: 8.2/10 (13)

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