Jokes of the day for Thursday, 09 January 2020
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Thursday, 09 January 2020 |
An Italian, a Scotsman, and a
An Italian, a Scotsman, and a Chinese fellow were hired at a construction site. The foreman pointed out a huge pile of sand and told the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping."To the Scotsman he said, "You're in charge of shoveling."
And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."
He then said, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile."
The foreman went away for a of couple hours, and, when he returned, the pile of sand was untouched.
He asked the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"
The Italian replied, "I no hava no broom. You said to the Chinese fella that he a wasa in a charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere."
Then the foreman turned to the Scotsman and said, "And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile."
The Scotsman replied, "Aye, ye did lad, boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldnay fin' him either."
The foreman was really angry by now and stormed off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy. Just then, the Chinese guy jumped out from behind the pile of sand and yelled... "SUPPLIES!!"
The Flock Of Sheep
A cowboy was leading a flock of sheep down Main Street when he was ordered to stop by the town policeman.
“What’s wrong?” the cowboy asked. “I was just heading my ewes into a side street.”
“That’s the trouble,” the policeman replied. “No ewe turns permitted on Main Street!”
Good dentist
A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide togo to the girl's place.
A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.
He then takes of his trousers and washes his hands again.
The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist."
The guy, surprised, says "Yes! How did you figure that out?"
"Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands."
One thing led to another and they make love.
After they have done, the girl says, "You must be a good dentist."
The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Sure, I'm a good dentist, How didyou figure that out?"
"Didn't feel a thing!"
Cannibal jokes
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, 'Does this taste funny to you?'That reminds me of the cannibal that passed his friend in the woods.....
When do cannibals leave the table? When everyone's eaten.......
What is a cannibal's favorite type of TV show? A celebrity roast.....
Where do cannibals shop for fine furniture? Eatin' Allen's......
What do cannibals eat for dessert? Chocolate covered aunts......
What do cannibals make out of politicians? Baloney sandwiches......
Have you heard about the cannibal restaurant? Dinner costs an arm and a leg......
Did you hear about the cannibal who loved fast food? He ordered apizza with everybody on it.......
Cannibal's recipe book: How to Serve Your Fellow Man.......
One cannibal to another: I never met a man I didn't like...........
Two cannibals were sitting by a fire. The first says, 'Gee, I hate my mother-in-law.' The 2nd replies, 'So, try the potatoes.'
Who doesn't believe in S
Who doesn't believe in Santa? Yoko Ho No.Dealing With Trouble
A deputy police officer responded to a report of a barroom disturbance. The "disturbance" turned out to be well over six feet tall and weighed almost 300 pounds. What's more, he boasted that he could whip the deputy and Muhammad Ali too.
Said the policeman, "I'll bet that you're also an escape artist-probably better than Houdini."
The giant nodded.
"If I had some chains," the deputy continued, "you could show us how strong you really are. But all I've got is a set of handcuffs. Why don't you see just how quickly you can break out of them?"
Once in the cuffs, the man puffed, pulled and jerked for four minutes. "I can't get out of these," the giant growled.
"Are you sure?" the deputy asked. The fellow tried again. "Nope," he replied. "I can't do it."
"In that case," said the deputy, "you're under arrest."
A blonde was hard up for money...
A blonde was hard up for money, so she walked around her neighborhood, trying to find a job. She met a nice man who said he would give her work. All she had to do was paint his porch white. He gave her a bucket of paint and left.
He walked into his house, laughing. He told his brunette wife what he had done. "Frank, our porch covers half of the house! You're so mean." his wife replied. Three hours later, the blonde went in the house, and gave the bucket of white paint back to the man.
The astonished man handed her a $100 bill, and asked how she finished it so quickly.
"It takes time, but it was easy." was her reply. "Oh, and it's a Ferrari, not a Porsche."
A family took their frail, eld...
A family took their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and left her,hoping she would be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathed her,fed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.She seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt sideways in her chair.Two attentive nurses immediately rushed up to catch her and straighten her up.
Again she seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt over to her other side.The nurses rushed back and once more brought her back upright. This went on all morning.Later, the family arrived to see how the old woman was adjusting to her new home.
"So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?"
"It's pretty nice," she replied. "Except they won't let me fart."
The Interview
A blonde goes for a job interview in an office. Theinterviewer decides to start with the basics. 'So, Miss, can
you tell us your age, please?'
The blonde counts
carefully on her fingers for about 30 seconds before
replying, 'Ehhhh .. 22!'
The interviewer tries
another straightforward one to break the ice. 'And can you
tell us your height, please?'
The young lady stands up
and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then
traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top
of her head. She checks the measurement and announces, 'Five
foot two!'
This isn't looking good so the interviewer
goes for the real basics. 'And uhh, just to confirm for our
records, your name please?'
The blonde bobs her head
from side to side for about twenty seconds, mouthing
something silently to herself, before replying, 'Mandy!'
The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so
he asks, 'Just out of curiosity, Miss. We can understand your
counting on your fingers to work out your age, and the
measuring tape for your height is obvious, but what were you
doing when we asked you your name?'
'Ohh that!',
replies the blonde, 'That's just me running through 'Happy
birthday to you, happy birthday to you....''
The Pope vs. Moishe
About a century or two ago, the Pope challenged the Jewish community of Rome to a debate.
The Jews looked around for a champion who could defend their faith, but no one wanted to volunteer. It was too risky. So they finally picked an old man named Moishe who spent his life sweeping up after people to represent them. Being old and poor, he had less to lose, so he agreed. He asked only for one addition to the rules of debate. Not being used to saying very much, he asked that neither side be allowed to talk. The Pope agreed.The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews win."
An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger, to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him, that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground, showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"
Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe, amazed that this old, almost feeble-minded man had done what all their scholars had insisted was impossible. "What happened?" they asked.
"Well," said Moishe, "first he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here."
"And then?" asked a woman.
"I don't know," said Moishe. "He took out his lunch and I took out mine."
The Forgotten Name
Two old friends met by chance on the street.
After chatting for some time one said to the other, "I'm terribly sorry, but I've forgotten your name. You'll need to tell me".
The other stared at him thoughtfully for a long time, then replied, "How soon do you need to know?"
Skydiving
The skydiving instructor was going through the question and answer period with his new students when one of them asked the usual question always asked: "If our chute doesn't open; and the reserve doesn't open, how long would we have till we hit the ground?"
The jump master looked at him and in perfect deadpan answered: "The rest of your life."
