Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 14 January 2020

Whether or not I am aroused by

Whether or not I am aroused by cows in lingerie makes no negligée-bull difference!

A motorist, driving by a Texas

A motorist, driving by a Texas ranch, hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road. The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened. He then asked what the animal was worth.
"Oh, about $200 today," said the rancher. "But in six years it would have been worth $900. So $900 is what I'm out."
The motorist sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to the farmer.
"Here," he said, "is the check for $900. It's postdated six years from now."

Juvenile delinquent

“A juvenile delinquent is an example of an arrested youth.”

 Ponderings Collection 44

The severity of the itch is proportional to inability to the reach it.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

That's Cold

I was asking my friend at what point did Celsius and Fahrenheit become the same.
One of my other buddies quickly chimed in, "-40 degrees..."
Impressed I said, "I didn't know you were so knowledgeable in weather science?"
"I'm not," he said. "But I have been to Minnesota."

My memory

An agitated patient was stomping around the psychiatrist's office, running his hands through his hair, almost in tears.

"Doctor, my memory's gone. Gone! I can't remember my wife's name. Can't remember my children's names. Can't remember what kind of car I drive. Can't remember where I work. It was all I could do to find my way here."

"Calm down. How long have you been like this?"

"Like what?"

A man is sitting at the bar in

A man is sitting at the bar in his local tavern, furiously imbibing shotsof whiskey. One of his friends happens to come into the bar and sees him.
"Lou," says the shocked friend, "what are you doing? I've known you forover fifteen years, and I've never seen you take a drink before. What'sgoing on?"
Without even taking his eyes off his newly filled shot glass, the manreplies, "My wife just ran off with my best friend."
He then throws back another shot of whisky in one gulp.
"But," says the other man, "I'm your best friend!"
The man turns to his friend, looks at him through bloodshot eyes, smiles,and then slurs, "Not anymore! He is!"

It's late, the bartender and a...

It's late, the bartender and a guy are the only ones left in the bar. The guy pushes his empty beer glass over to the edge of the counter, walks to the other end of the bar, and says to the bartender, "If I could spit from here, and get it in the glass without getting any anywhere else, would you give me $50?" The bartender, not seeing how this bet could be cheated, says, "ok, show me." The guy spits and makes it in the glass without getting any on the counter or the floor. The bartender say, "That's amazing! You deserve the $50!"

The next day, about noon, the guy's in the bar again, and says to the bartender, if I can do it again, but with 2 glasses side by side, would you give me $100? The bartender agrees, and the guys spits from across the bar and makes it in both glasses, without getting any anywhere else.

The evening rolls around, and the bartender sticks a bunch of glasses all over the bar. He then says to the guy, "if you can spit in all of these glasses at the same time, without getting any anywhere else, I'll give you $200" The guy says, "Sure, but I need a little time to get ready" So after a minute, the guy comes up, and procceds to spit everywhere at lightning speed. The bartender, seeing that the guy has missed ever single cup, jumps up and down for joy, screaming. The guys pays the bartender, and says, "I don't see what you're so happy about, I just bet the guy in the corner $500 that I could spit all over your bar, and you'd be happy about it."

Chuck Norris can juggle 12 bar...

Chuck Norris can juggle 12 bar stools when drunk but only 8 when sober.

Young Son: "Is it true, Dad? I...

Young Son: "Is it true, Dad? I heard that in some parts of the world a man doesn’t know
his wife until he marries her”
Dad: That happens in every country, son

His favorite chocolate chip cookies....

An elderly man lay dying in his bed.

In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.

Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled down the stairs.

With labored breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven: there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted: the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.

The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with aspatula by his wife.

"Stay out of those," she said, "they're for the funeral."

Computers are like air conditi...

Computers are like air conditioners. They work fine until you start opening windows.

How many children...

Some newly married friends were visiting us when the topic of children came up. The bride said she wanted three children, while the young husband said two would be enough for him.

They discussed this discrepancy for a few minutes until the husband thought he`d put an end to things by saying boldly, "After our second child, I'll just have a vasectomy."

Without a moments hesitation, the bride retorted, "Well, I hope you'll love the third one as if it's your own."

Laurel's uncle

Oliver Hardy: 'Didn't you once tell me that you had an uncle?'

Stan Laurel: 'Sure, I've got an uncle. Why?'

Oliver: 'Now we're getting somewhere. Is he living?'

Stanley: 'No. He fell through a trap door and broke his neck.'

Oliver: 'Was he building a house?'

Stanley: 'No, they were hanging him.'

From The Laurel-Hardy Murder Case (1930). Stan Laurel (1890-1965), Oliver Hardy (1892-1957).

Dropping me down to a B

I was furious at my English teacher for dropping me down to a B for missing just a single period.

However, I'm sure he'll be worried enough to increase it to an A after I inform him that I've actually missed three periods.