Jokes of the day for Friday, 13 March 2020

If you're Vice-President

If you're Vice-President waiting to become President, then I guess Joe Biden your time.

“Routines are dental

“Routines are dental procedures.”

A city boy was visiting the co

A city boy was visiting the country and wanted to go hunting. The farmer lent the boy his gun, telling him not to kill any farm animals.
The city boy headed off and soon after saw a goat. He managed to creep into range and finally shot it. Not knowing anything about animals, the boy didn't know what he'd killed so he ran to the farmhouse and described his kill to the farmer.
"It had two saggy breasts, a beard, a hard head and it stunk like hell!" said the boy.
"Oh, bugger!!" said the farmer. "You've shot the wife!"

Lucky Number Seven

On our seventh wedding anniversary I broke out in hives...
I think they call that the seven year itch!

Annual checkup...

Quasimodo goes to a doctor for an annual checkup. "I think something is wrong with your back," the doctor says.

"What makes you think that?" asks Quasimodo.

"I don't know," the doctor replies. "It's just a hunch."

When Peters learned that he wa

When Peters learned that he was being fired, he went to see the head ofhuman resources. "Since I've been with the firm for so long," he said, "Ithink I deserve at least a letter of recommendation."
The human resources director agreed and said he'd have the letter thatnext day. The following morning, Peters found the letter on his desk. Itread, "Jonathan Peters worked for our company for eleven years. When heleft us, we were very satisfied."

Insane Asylum

Late one night at the insane asylum, an inmate shouted, "I am Napoleon!" Another inmate asked, "How do you know?" "God told me!" A voice from another room suddenly shouted, "I did not!"

I love this story – from the blonde files

A beautiful young model boarded a plane to New York with a ticket for the economy section. She looked at the seats in economy, and then looked into the forward cabin at the luxurious first-class seats.
Seeing that the first-class seats appeared to be much larger and more comfortable, she moved forward to the last empty seat in first-class.
The flight attendant checked her ticket and told the woman that her seat was in economy.
The blonde replied, 'I'm a famous model, and I’ve never had this problem before. I'm going to sit here all the way, until we get to New York.'
Flustered, the flight attendant went to the cockpit and informed the captain of the problem. The captain went back and told the woman that her assigned seat was in economy.
Again, the blonde replied: 'I'm a famous model. I'm sitting here all the way to New York.”
The captain didn’t want to cause a commotion, and so returned to the cockpit to discuss the blonde problem with the co-pilot.
The co-pilot said that he used to date a model like her, and that he could take care of the problem. He then went back and briefly whispered something in the blonde's ear.
She immediately got up and said, 'okay, thank you'. She then hugged the co-pilot, and rushed back to her seat in the economy section.
The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, asked the Co-pilot what he had said to the woman.
He replied, 'I just told her that the first-class seats aren't going to New York.'

A circus owner runs an ad for

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up. One is a good looking lad in his mid-twenties and the other is a gorgeous blonde about the same age.
The circus owner tells them: I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you guys better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment: chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"
The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves, kisses them and rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life," He then turns to the young man and asks, "can you top that?"
The young man replies. "No problem, just get that lion out of the way."

Letter to Company

After trying a new shampoo for the first time, a guy fired off an enthusiastic letter of approval to the manufacturer.

Several weeks later he came home from work to a large carton in the middle of the floor. Inside were free samples of the many products the company produced: soaps, detergents, tooth paste, and paper items.

“Well, what do you think?” his wife asked smiling.

“Next time,” he replied. “I'm writing to General Motors!”

Joe had asked Bob to help him ...

Joe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck after work, so Bob just went straight over to Joe's place. When they got to the door, Joe went straight to his wife, gave her a hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work. When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her.
Once they were working on the deck, Bob told Joe that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife. Joe said that he'd started this about six months ago, it had revived their marriage, and things couldn't be better. Bob thought he'd give it a go. When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her. His wife burst into tears.
Bob was confused and asked why she was crying. She said, "This is the worst day of my life. First, little Billy fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come home drunk!"

Childless Smokey the Bear

Q: Why did Smokey the Bear never have children?
A: Every time his wife got hot, he stamped her out.

Kyle Kinane: Always a Miracle

Im in my 30s; everybodys having kids or miracles. Oh, its a miracle. Its always a miracle. Im like, You had sex, right? Yeah? Then no, thats exactly whats supposed to happen from that. I spend all my time preventing miracles; that is whats happening. I call it a miracle when the girl doesnt get pregnant. Thats when I start getting spiritual.

24 Hours Left

A man returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, the man asks his wife for sex.

Naturally, she agrees, and they make love. About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey,you know I now have only 18 hours to live.

Could we please do it one more time?" Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.

Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife shoulder, and asks, "Honey, please...just one more time before die." She says, "Of course, Dear," and they make love for the third time.

After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep.

The man, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. "Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could..."

At this point the wife sits up and says,"Listen, I have to get up in the morning. You don't!"

6 Funny Christmas Jokes

"What do you call Santa’s most impolite reindeer?"
"Rude-olph."

"What street in France do reindeer live on?"
"Rue Dolph."

"How much does it cost Santa to park his sleigh and reindeer?"
"Nothing, it’s on the house!"

"What did Mrs. Claus say to Santa when she looked up in the sky?"
"Looks like rein, deer!"

"Why doesn’t Santa use reindeer milk in his coffee?"
"He’s on a non-deery diet."

"What kind of money do reindeer use?"
"Bucks!"