Jokes of the day for Thursday, 16 April 2020
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Thursday, 16 April 2020 |
Dictionary and thesaurus
“After he bought a dictionary and thesaurus his life became more meaningful.”
A man went to the doctor compl...
A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia. The doctor gave him a thorough examination, found absolutely nothing physically wrong with him, and then told him, "Listen, if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you just have to stop taking your trouble to bed with you.""I know," said the man, "but I can't. My wife refuses to sleep alone."
Scary Collection 59
A witch joke
What do you call a witch you likes the beach but is scared of the water?
A chicken sandwitch!
A witch joke
Why did the witches go on strike?
They wanted sweeping reforms!
A witch joke
When a witch falls into a pond what is the first thing that she does?
Get wet!
A witch joke
What did the witch say to the ugly toad?
"I'd put a curse on you but it looks like someone already beat me to it"!
A wizard joke
What do you call a warlock who tries to stop fights?
A peacelock!
A wizard joke
What kinds of wizards can jump higher than a bus?
All of them, busses don't jump!
A wizard joke
What happened when the wizard drank a bottle of lemonade?
He burped 7-Up!
Star Wars Characters
My son Luke loves that we named our children after Star Wars characters.
My daughter Chewbacca not so much.
The shipwrecked mariner
The shipwrecked mariner had spent several years on a deserted island. Then one morning he was thrilled to see a ship offshore and a smaller vessel pulling out toward him.When the boat grounded on the beach, the officer in charge handed the marooned sailor a bundle of newspapers and told him, "The captain said to read through these and let us know if you still want to be rescued."
Question time....
Mr. Smythe had been giving his second-grade students a short lesson on science. He had explained about magnets and showed them how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron. And now it was question time....
"Class," he said, "my name begins with the letter 'M,' and I pick up things....What am I?"
A little boy on the front row said, "You're a mother."
Door To Door
Two salesmen were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their offer and slammed the door in their faces. To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result-the door bounced back open.
Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in the door,she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of them said:
“Ma'am, before you do that again you need to move your cat.”
The only sure things are Death...
The only sure things are Death and Taxes...and when Chuck Norris goes to work for the IRS, they'll be the same thing.A laywoman was driving down...
A laywoman was driving down the street in a sweat because she had an important meeting and couldn’t find a parking space. Looking up toward heaven, she said, “Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I’ll go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up drinking wine.”Miraculously, a parking space opened up right in front of her destination.The woman looked up to heaven and said, “Never mind, Lord; I found one on my own.” Ever since we got married...
Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest in the stock market.""Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so drastically," remarked his friend.
"I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me."
Ron White: Death Penalty in Texas
In Texas, we have the death penalty and we use it. If you come to Texas and kill somebody, we will kill you back. Monster Under My Bed
Son: "Dad! Dad! There is a monster under my bed!"
Dad: "Enjoy it while you can son, when you get married the monster sleeps in your bed."
Car-synergic
Why are there so many cigarette ads at auto races? Because the tobacco companies will profit from car-synergic events.
Adam and Eve
Why did god create Adam before he created Eve?
- Because he didn't want anyone telling him how to make Adam.
