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Jokes of the day for Friday, 19 June 2020

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Friday, 19 June 2020

Mountaineering? You might hurt

Mountaineering? You might hurt your feet if you climb Krakatoa.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (2)

Common Famous Last Words

Common Famous Last Words

1. Hey yall, watch this!

2. Hey you! Yeah, you. You got a problem?

3. Honey, wait, I can explain!

4. Does that smell like gas to you?

5. I'm telling you, that sign says we're going the wrong way!

6. Officer, this not a gun, it's just my comb.

7. Are you sure you gave the ambulance our new address?

8. Okay, roger that. I'm cutting the blue wire.

9. That dog doesn't look all that mean to me.

10. Don't worry, the bigger they are, the harder they fall.

11. I don't need those depression pills anymore.

12. Hey you, that sign says "No Smoking" for a reason!

Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 6.17/10

Rating: 6.2/10 (6)

Room for fungi

How much room is needed for fungi to grow?

As mushroom as possible.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 7.13/10

Rating: 7.1/10 (8)

Ballerina Costumes

“Costumes are very important for a ballerina. She keeps them in her special tulle box.”

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Funny puns and jokes - the largest collection of humorous jokes on the internet. New pun added daily.
  • Currently 2.69/10

Rating: 2.7/10 (13)

Two bats

Two bats are going for their midnight feed.After an hour or so, one bat gets tired of looking and goes home with no blood.
The other bat comes home with blood dripping from its mouth. The first bat says enviously, "Where did you get all that blood from?"
The second bat replies, "Follow me. I'll show you."
After awhile the second bat leads them to a cave. He says, "You see that wall over there?"
The hungry bat excitedly says, "Yes!"
Other bat says, "I didn't."
#joke #animal #bat #food #hungry
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 8.36/10

Rating: 8.4/10 (14)

Send me your ...

The wife, being a romantic at heart, decided one day that she’d send her husband a text while she was out having coffee with a friend. She texted:

If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears.
I love you.

The husband, being a no-nonsense sort of guy, texted back:

I’m on the toilet.
Please advise.

#joke #food #eating #drinks #coffee
Joke | Source: Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 9.23/10

Rating: 9.2/10 (53)

On the Farm

Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

#joke #short #animal #cow #bull
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 7.70/10

Rating: 7.7/10 (10)

 Business One-liners 56


Familiarity breeds attempt.
Familiarity breeds children.
Far-away talent always seems better than home-developed talent.
Fill what is empty; empty what is full; scratch where it itches.
For every "10" there are 10 "1's".
For every action, there is a corresponding over-reaction.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
For every credibility gap there is a gullibility fill.
For every idiot proof system devised, a new, improved idiot will arise to overcome it.

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 08 September 2017
  • Currently 3.60/10

Rating: 3.6/10 (5)

Empire State Building Fall

Two men are sitting drinking at a bar at the top of the Empire State Building when the first man turns to the other and says, "You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window."

The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.

The second guy says, "What are you a nut? There is no way that could happen."

"No, it's true," said the first man, let me prove it to you." He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and plummets to the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.

He met the second man, who looked quite astonished. "You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke."

"No, I'll prove it again," says the first man as he jumps. Again just as he is hurling toward the street, the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window.

Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it. "Well, what the hey," the second guy says, "it works, I'll try it!" He jumps over the balcony plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors ...and hits the sidewalk with a 'splat.'

Back upstairs the Bartender turns to the other drinker, saying "You know, Superman, sometimes you can be a real jerk."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 02 July 2017
  • Currently 7.87/10

Rating: 7.9/10 (15)

He who lives by the sword, die...

He who lives by the sword, dies by the sword. He who lives by Chuck Norris, dies by the roundhouse kick.
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 19 June 2011
  • Currently 2.32/10

Rating: 2.3/10 (56)

Death In The Family

One day, a blonde's neighbor goes over to her house, sees the blonde crying, and asks her what happened.

The blonde said that her mother had passed away.

The neighbor made her some coffee and calmed her down a little and then left.

The next day the neighbor went back over to the house and found the blonde crying again.

She asked her why she was crying this time.

The blonde said, "I just got off of the phone with my sister. Her mother died too!"

#joke #blonde #drinks #coffee #mother
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 19 June 2011
  • Currently 6.83/10

Rating: 6.8/10 (48)

Mad Dog!

What do you call a dog that hears voices?
A Shih-Tzu-Phrenic!

Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 19 June 2013
  • Currently 4.05/10

Rating: 4.1/10 (40)

A Heavenly Welcome

A contractor dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself at the Pearly Gates. A brass band is playing, the angels are singing a beautiful hymn, there is a huge crowd cheering and shouting his name, and absolutely everyone wants to shake his hand.
Just when he thinks things can't possibly get any better, Saint Peter himself runs over, apologizes for not greeting him personally at the Pearly Gates, shakes his hand, and says, "Congratulations son, we've been waiting a long time for you."
Totally confused and a little embarrassed, the contractor sheepishly looks at Saint Peter and says "Saint Peter, I tried to lead a God-fearing life, I loved my family, I tried to obey the 10 Commandments, but congratulations for what? I honestly don't remember doing anything really special when I was alive.""Congratulations for what?" says Saint Peter, totally amazed at the man's modesty. "We're celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old! God himself wants to see you!" The contractor is awestruck and can only look at Saint Peter with his mouth wide open. When he regains his power of speech, he looks up at Saint Peter and says "Saint Peter, I lived my life in the eternal hope that when I died I would be judged by God and be found to be worthy, but I only lived to be forty."
"That's simply impossible son," says Saint Peter. "We've added up your time sheets."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 19 June 2010
  • Currently 4.92/10

Rating: 4.9/10 (37)

A 6th Grade Teacher Asks a Question

A 6th-grade teacher posed the following problem to one of her arithmetic classes:
“A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars.
One-fifth is to go to his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his butler, and the rest to charity.
Now, what does each get?”
After a very long silence in the classroom, one little boy raised his hand.
With complete sincerity in his voice, answered, “A lawyer!”

#joke #lawyer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 19 June 2018
  • Currently 8.48/10

Rating: 8.5/10 (21)

Thinking about the future

Q. How does a man show he's planning for the future?

A. He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 07 January 2015
  • Currently 9.38/10

Rating: 9.4/10 (8)

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