Jokes of the day for Friday, 26 June 2020
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Friday, 26 June 2020 |
A henpecked man got tired of h
A henpecked man got tired of his wife constantly picking on him, so he started playing poker on Friday nights with his buddies just to get some relief. After he came home she'd start right in on him again.After several weeks went by, he came home early one Friday night about 9:30. His wife asked him how come he was home early. He told her, "You need to pack your bags and go to Herb's house, I lost you to him in the card game tonight."
His wife became furious and started to give him hell. She said, "Just how could you do such a thing!?"
He replied, "It was the hardest thing I ever done... I had to fold with four aces."
“If a single statisti
“If a single statistician meets another single statistician does she datum or does he data?”
Guilty As You
A red-faced judge convened court after a long lunch. The first case involved a man charged with drunk driving who claimed it simply wasn't true.
"I'm as sober as you are, your honor," the man claimed.
The judge replied, "Clerk, please enter a guilty plea. The defendant is sentenced to 30 days."
Makin' babies...
A second grader came home from school and said to her mother, "Mom, guess what? We learned how to make babies today."
The mother, more than a little surprised, asked fearfully, "That's interesting. How do you make babies?"
"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."
Eat The Watermelons
A farmer in the country has a watermelon patch and upon inspection he discovers that some of the local kids have been helping themselves to a feast.The farmer thinks of ways to discourage this profit-eating situation. So he puts up a sign that reads: "WARNING! ONE OF THESE WATERMELONS CONTAINS CYANIDE!"
He smiled smugly as he watched the kids run off the next night without eating any of his melons.
The farmer returns to the watermelon patch a week later to discover that none of the watermelons have been eaten, but finds another sign that reads: "NOW THERE ARE TWO!"
Hari Kondabolu: Arizona Anti-Immigration Laws
Its this anti-immigration legislation that theyre trying to push, where they would allow police officers to racially profile undocumented immigrants, especially people in the Mexican community. I think thats horrendous. But what amazes me is that people support this law. I was watching the news, this woman in Arizona, looking at a camera, straight faced, she says, Hey, were just trying to bring the country back to the way it used to be. The way it used to be? Lady, youre in Arizona. It used to be Mexico. Wayne
An blonde girl goes to the council to register for child benefit."How many children?" asks the council worker.
"10" replies the blonde girl.
"10???" says the council worker.. "What are their names?"
"Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne"
"Doesn't that get confusing?"
"Naah..." says the blonde girl "its great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout WAAYNE, YER DINNER'S READY or WAAYNE GO TO BED NOW and they all do it..."
"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed council worker.
"That's easy," says the girl... "I just use their surnames"
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
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Q: How many Manchester City fans does it take to change a lightbulb?A: None - they're quite happy living in the shadows.
Two men went bear hunting. Whi...
Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear.He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it. The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could.
He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step.
Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat.
Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.
The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this one while I go and get another!"
Bill Engvall: Creepy Old Man Status Achieved At 50
I love being fifty. Fifty is a very cool age. But it does come with some responsibilities. Like fifty-year-old guys cant go out with really young girls anymore. Up to fifty, you can. But once you hit fifty, you become that creepy old guy. And weve all done it. You see some old guy with some young girl, you dont sit there and go Aw, that is so sweet. This is what everybody in this room says: Money or drugs, thats all Im saying. Money or drugs. A hippie sits down at a bar...
So a hippie sits down at a bar and tries to order a beer on a tab, but the bartender wants money up front which the hippie doesn't have. So the guy next to him offers to buy him a beer. They start talking and drinking and drinking and talking. After a while the guy says to the hippie, "come with me to the bathroom and I'll give you a bl*w job".
Suddenly the hippie jumps off his stool, pushes the guy down, and starts kicking the guy repeatedly.
A couple of patrons pull the hippie back. They ask him what the guy said to piss him off so much.
"Something about a job. "
Jim Gaffigan: The Book vs. the Movie
You ever talk about a movie with someone that read the book? Theyre always so condescending. Ah, the book was much better than the movie. Oh really? What I enjoyed about the movie: no reading. Discussing The Tax Rates
A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag. "Our flag symbolizes our taxes," he said. "We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them."
"That's the same with us," the American said, "only we see stars, too."
MEN vs WOMEN on ATM
MAN:1) Pull up to machine
2) Wind window down
3) Insert ATM card, enter PIN
4) Retrieve cash
5) Drive away
WOMAN:
1) Pull up to machine
2) Open door (too far away from machine)
3) Search through all of the 112 compartments in handbag for ATM card
4) Do make up, apply lipstick, fix hair
5) Insert Card
6) Remove card
7) Insert card the correct way up
8) Search for piece of paper with PIN on it
9) Enter PIN
10) Enter correct PIN
11) Retrieve cash, put in bag
12) Drive off
13) Reverse back to machine
14) Retrieve card
15) Drive three miles away
16) Release hand-brake
