Jokes of the day for Monday, 13 July 2020

“What do you call a b

“What do you call a band of leaping insects playing old time music? 'Blue-grass Hoppers'.”

 Business One-liners 81

Just because you are paranoid doesn't mean they are not out to get you.
Just when you get going, someone injects a dose of reality with a large needle.
Just when you get really good at something, you don't need to do it anymore.
Just when you think you've won the rat race, along come faster rats.
Knowledge based on external evidence is unreliable.
Laziness is the mother of nine inventions out of ten.
Leakproof seals will.
Learn to be sincere. Even if you have to fake it.
Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
Leftover nuts never match leftover bolts.

Morning & Afternoon

Teacher: "Class, we'll have only half a day of school today morning."
Students: "Yaaayyy!"
Teacher: "We'll have the other half this afternoon."

The junior executive had been

The junior executive had been complaining to his wife of aches and pains. Neither one could account for his trouble.
Arriving home from work one night, he informed her. "I finally discovered why I've been feeling so miserable. We got some ultra-modern office furniture two weeks ago, and I just learned today that I've been sitting in the wastebasket."

Rookie's First Assignment...

A rookie police officer was out for his first ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came in telling them to disperse some people who were loitering.

The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner. The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get off the corner, people."

A few glances, but no one moved, so he barked again, "Let's get off that corner...NOW!" Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled stares in his direction.

Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?"

"Pretty good," chuckled the verteran policemen, "especially since this is a bus stop!"

The 87 year old said; "Well, I

The 87 year old said; "Well, I eat Italian bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."
So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery.As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help.He said, "Do you have any Italian bread?"
She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"
He said, "I want 5 loaves."
She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves...don't you think by the time you get to the 5th it'll be hard?"
He replied, "Holy sh*t ... does everybody in the world know about this Italian bread but ME?!"

Borrowing someone's cere...

Borrowing someone's cereal is oatlendish behaviour.

Chuck Norris doesnt wear a wat...

Chuck Norris doesnt wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

Daniel Tosh: Airport Phone Fun

So when I get a phone call at the airport, Ill admit it, I like to have a little fun. Go ahead. Gate 47 is completely clear. People notice in a hurry. Honey, something is going on. That guy has a wire hanging down, maybe we shouldnt be standing right here. Stand down, blue team! Stand down, blue team! Honey, there is a sting going down at the airport. I am not feeling safe. Please, lets move. Stand down, down blue team! Dont -- hold on, the subjects approaching. Hes in a business suit with a briefcase. I repeat, the briefcase is in his hand. And I find some random businessman. I run, and I just beat the crap out of him. And everybody starts clapping, Thank you for making our airways safe. And then I go get on my plane, and that guy just has a weird story to tell for the rest of his life.

If paper beats rock, rock beat...

If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Chuck Norris.

Shark!

There is this atheist swimming in the ocean. All of a sudden he sees a shark in the water, so he starts swimming furiously towards his boat.
As he looks back, he sees the shark turn and head towards him. He's scared to death, and as he sees the jaws of the great white beast open, revealing its horrific teeth, the atheist screams, "Oh God! Save me!"
In an instant, time is frozen and a bright light shines down from above. The man is motionless in the water when he hears the voice of God say, "You are an atheist. Why do you call upon me when you do not believe in me?"
Confused, and knowing he can't lie, the man replies, "Well, that's true I don't believe in you, but how about the shark? Can you make the shark believe in you?"
The Lord replies, "As you wish," and the light retracts back into the heavens. The man feels the water move once again.
As the atheist looks back, he can see the jaws of the shark start to close down on him, when all of sudden the shark stops and pulls back.
Shocked, the man watches as the huge beast closes its eyes, bows its head and says, "Thank you Lord for this food which I am about to receive..."

Chemistry Song 12

I Saw Teacher Kissing Santa Chlorine
I saw teacher kissing Santa Chlorine
under the chemistree last night
They didn't sneak me down the periodic chart
to take a peek
At all the atoms reacting in their beakers;
it was neat.
And I saw teacher kissing Santa Chlorine
under the chemistree so bright
Oh what a reaction there would have been
if the principal had walked in
With teacher kissing Santa Chlorine last night.

Natasha Leggero: Male Comics

Male comics are always coming up to me, and theyre like, Hey, Natasha, dont you think youre a little attractive to be a comedian? And Im like, Dont you think youre a little ugly to be talking to me?

The little man...

Rodney walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots--one for me and one for my best buddy here."

The bartender says, "You want both drinks now or do you want me to wait until your buddy arrives to pour this?"

Rodney says, "Oh, I want them both now. I've got my best buddy in my pocket here."

With that, he pulls out a little three-inch man from his pocket.

The bartender says, "Wow! And you mean to say he can drink that much?"

"Oh, sure. He can drink it all and then some," the man retorted. So the bartender poured the two shots. Sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up.

"That's amazing!" says the bartender. "What else can he do? Can he walk?"

Rodney flicks a penny down to the end of the bar and says, "Hey, Al, go get that penny!" The little guy runs down to the end of the bar, picks up the penny, and hauls it back down and gives it to Rodney.

The bartender is totally amazed by this display. "That's amazing," he says. "What else can he do? Does he talk?"

Rodney looks up at the bartender with a look of surprise in his eye and squawks, "Talk? Sure, he talks! Hey, Al, tell him about that time we were down in Africa on safari and you insulted that witch doctor!"

Fig Leaf Found

A little boy opened the large old family Bible, and he looked with fascination at the ancient pages as he turned them one by one.
He was still in Genesis when something fell out of the Bible. He picked it up and looked at it closely. It was a very large old tree leaf that had been pressed between the pages of the Bible long ago."Momma, look what I found!" the boy called out.
"What do you have there?" his mother asked.
With astonishment in his voice, the young boy answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"