Jokes of the day for Thursday, 08 October 2020

Are there child-eating pigs in

Are there child-eating pigs in Tottenham?

Jack: "My brother was sick and

Jack: "My brother was sick and went to the doctor."
John: "Is he feeling better now?"
Jack: "No, he has a broken arm."
John: "How did he break it?"
Jack: "Well, the doctor gave him a prescription and told him no matter what happened, to follow that prescription. And the prescription blew out of the window."
John: "How did he break his arm?"
Jack: "He fell out of the window trying to follow the prescription."

You Can Stay

The doorbell rings. A man opens the door and there's his mother-in-law on the front step.
She asks, "Can I stay here for a few days?"
The man says, "Sure you can." And he closes the door.

These questions about Canada w

These questions about Canada were posted on an international tourismwebsite and obviously the answers came from a fellow Canuck.
Q: I have never seen it warm on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only six thousand km, take lots of water. . .
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? (Sweden)!
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.
Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed beaver. (Italy)
A: Let's not touch this one.
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Ca-na-da is that big country to your North . . . oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked.
Q: Which direction is North in Canada? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is... oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
Q: Do you have perfume in Canada? (Germany)
A: No, WE don't stink.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Canada? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Can I wear high heels in Canada? (UK)
A: You are an American politician, right?
Q: Can you tell me the regions on British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? (USA)
A: Only at Thanksgiving.
Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is illegal.
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Canada who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: All Canadian rattle snakes are perfectly harmless, and can be safely handled and make good pets.
Q: I was in Canada in 1969 on R&R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Surrey, BC. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.

Things to do in an elevator...

When people get on, ask for their tickets.

When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.

Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.

Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say, 'Hi Mike. How's your day been?'

Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, say 'that's mine!'

Push your floor button with your nose.

Stand alone, and when the doors open tell people trying to get on that the car is full and that they should wait for the next one.

Ride naked.

Push the top floor button and announce that you tried to kill yourself yesterday but the other building wasn't high enough.

Why White?

A fresh-faced lad on the eve of his wedding night asks his mother, "Mom, why are wedding dresses white?"
The mother looks at her son and replies, "Son, this shows the town that your bride is pure."
The son thanks his mom, and then seeks his father opinion, "Dad, why are wedding dresses white?"

The father looks at his son in surprise and says, "Son, all household appliances come in white."

In honor of Chuck Norris, all ...

In honor of Chuck Norris, all McDonald's in Texas have an even larger size than the super-size. When ordering, just ask to be Chucksized.

Blondes on a plane

Two blondes were flying to Miami from Cleveland.

Fifteen minutes into the flight, the captain announced "One of the engines has failed and the flight will be an hour longer. But don't worry we have three engines left".

Thirty minutes later, the captain announced "One more engine has failed and the flight will be two hours longer. But don't worry we have two engines left".

An hour later the capain announced "One more engine has failed and the flight will be three hours longer. But don't worry we have one engine left".

One blonde looked at the other the other blonde and said "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day"

K9 Is For Assistance

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned: "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"

Jim Gaffigan: Wish I Was Ethnic

I wish I was ethnic; Im nothing. Cause if youre Hispanic and you get angry, people are like, Hes got a Latin temper. But if youre a white guy and you get angry, people are like, That guys a jerk.

An American, traveling on a tr...

An American, traveling on a train in Europe, met a Cuban tobacco grower, a Russian vodka distiller and a lawyer.
While they were talking business, the Cuban took out four cigars and passed them around. After lighting his own cigar, the Cuban took one drag and then threw it out the window, explaining that cigars were of no consequence in his country since there was such an abundance of them.
After dinner, the Russian passed out bottles of vodka. After taking just one swig, he threw the bottle out the window, explaining that vodka was of no consequence since, in Russia, it was so plentiful.
The American businessman sat in quiet contemplation for several minutes, then arose... and threw the lawyer out the window.

I told my fiance that we should get married on a nude beach.

I told my fiance that we should get married on a nude beach.

That way we can really see who the best man is.

I Am Going To Shop

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I notice a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"Do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."

Light bulb designers

Light bulb designers aren't too bright. You always have to filament.

D.L. Hughley: Police Following You

You ever have the police follow you so long, you get suspicious of your damn self? Maybe I did kill them people. Im a go ahead and turn myself in.