Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 10 November 2020

NED: I thought I saw a walrus

NED: I thought I saw a walrus on the beach!
ED: Nah, that was just a seal lyin'.

A man goes in to a bar. He app

A man goes in to a bar. He approaches the bartender.
"Hi mate. Listen, I don't have any cash on me at the moment, do you think you can spot me a pint?"
The bartender scoffs. "No chance mate, we're not here for that."
The man pauses for a moment, and then makes an offer. "What if I show you something that you've never seen before? If you've never seen it, all my drinks are on the house for the night."
"Pfft," the barman scoffs. "Yeah, alright. Let's see what you've got."
The man reaches in to his bag and pulls out a frog, and a tiny piano. He sets them on the bar, the frog hops over to the piano and starts to play a beautiful rendition of Mozart's Die Zauberflöte.
The barman is stunned. "Well, I'll be! You've got something there, I'll give you that. Fair enough mate, drinks are on me...but I want the frog and the piano. How about 1,000 for them?"
"I couldn't do that. The frog is my livelihood."
"How about 2,000?"
"Deal."
The man spends the entire night drinking, partying away, and stumbles home at closing time.
Fast forward a few days, and the same man returns. "Listen mate. For the sake of the joke, I've spent all the money you gave me and I'm strapped for money again. Any chance of spotting me for a pint?"
The barman says, "No, we already went through this. We're not a charity."
"Ahh, but what if I show you something you've never seen before?"
The barman is amused. "You came here last with a frog that plays a piano, I've seen it all! But go on then, what have you got?"
The man pulls out a mouse and sets it on the bar. It sits there, looking around and minding his own business.
"That's just a mouse! I've got enough mice to deal with, I don't need another one!"
The mouse pipes up. "Just a mouse?! I'll have you know I've been quite well educated, sir!"
The barman jumps back. "The mouse...the mouse just spoke! It's a talking mouse! Listen mate, all your drinks are on the house, but I've got to have the mouse as well! I will give you 3,000 for him!"
The man accepts the money, and continues his evening of free drinks. But as the night goes on, and the man gets more belligerent, he stumbles over to the bar to talk to the barman.
"Listen mate, here's you 3,000 back. I feel terrible about what I've done."
The barman scoffs. "Sorry mate, but a deal is a deal, and I've bought the mouse off you fair and square. I'm keeping him!"
The man says, "I don't care, just please take the money. It was all a trick! The mouse doesn't talk...the frog is a ventriloquist."

Keep Looking

I'm not a complete idiot...
Some parts are still missing!

Fingers

Jon's working at the lumberyard, pushing a tree through the buzz saw, and accidentally shears off all ten of his fingers. He goes to the emergency room.
The doctor says, "Yuck! Well, give me the fingers, and I'll see what I can do."
Jon says, "I haven't got the fingers."
The doctor says, "What do you mean, you haven't got the fingers? It's 2010. We've got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put them back on and made you like new. Why didn't you bring the fingers?"
Jon says, "Well, sh*t, Doc, I couldn't pick 'em up."

Klopman diamond....

A businessman boarded a plane to find, sitting next to him, an elegant woman wearing the largest, most stunning diamond ring he had ever seen. He asked her about it.

"This is the Klopman diamond," she said. "It is beautiful, but there is a terrible curse that goes with it."

"What's the curse?" the man asked.

"Mr. Klopman."

There was a man walking alone ...

There was a man walking alone along a beach. He comes across a bottle with a cork in it. The man picks up the bottle and pulls out the cork. A loud roar follows and a genie appears. The genie says to the man, "I'm a little tired today and I can only give you two wishes."
The man says "That's OK, two is enough." "First, I would like one-billion dollars in a Swiss bank account."
Poof - The genie hands the man a paper and says "Here's the number to your account."
Next the man says, "Second, I would like to be irresistible to women."
Poof - the genie turned him into a box of chocolates.

Chuck Norris has the greatest ...

Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.

The lawyer was cross-examining

The lawyer was cross-examining a witness.
“Isn’t it true, “he bellowed, “that you were given $500.00 to throw this case?”
The witness did not answer. Instead, he just stared out the window as though he hadn’t heard the question. The attorney repeated himself, again getting the same reaction - no response.
Finally, the judge spoke to the witness, “Please answer the question.”
“Oh,” said the startled witness, “I thought he was talking to you.”

Please Show The I.D.

The following supposedly a true story.
This guy walked into a little corner store with a shot gun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said "Because I don't believe you are over 21."
The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give the scotch to him because he didn't believe him. At this point the robber took his drivers license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk.
The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot.
The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off of the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.

Which one picked it up?

Just before Christmas, an honest politician, a generous lawyer and Santa Claus were riding in the elevator of a very posh hotel.

Just before the doors opened they all noticed a $20 bill lying on the floor. Which one picked it up?

Santa of course, because the other two don't exist!

It's the summer of 1957 and H...

It's the summer of 1957 and Harold goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue.
Harold's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a duck tail hairdo. When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's mother answers and invites him in. "Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" she says.
That's cool. Peggy Sue's mother asks Harold what they're planning to do.
Harold replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive in movie.
Peggy Sue's mother responds, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."
Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Harold and he says, "Wha...aaat?"
"Yeah," says Peggy Sue's mother, "We know Peggy Sue really likes to screw; why, she'd screw all night if we let her!"
Harold's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening.
A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes, and announces that she's ready to go.
Almost breathless with anticipation, Harold escorts his date out the front door while Mom is saying, "Have a good evening kids," with a small wink for Harold.
About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her mother: "Dammit, Mom! The Twist! The Twist! It's called The Twist!"

The trick...

A little boy greeted his grandmother with a hug and said, "I'm so happy to see you, Grandma. Now maybe Daddy will do the trick he has been promising us."

The grandmother was curious. "What trick is that my dear?" she asked.

The little boy replied, "I heard Daddy tell Mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit us again."

A little girl asked her mom...

A little girl asked her mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"
Her mom says, "No, because the dog is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, can I take Susie for a walk around the block. I asked mom but she said the dog was in heat and that should ask you."
Her dad said, "Bring Susie over here."
He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's butt with it and said, "OK, you can go now but keep Susie on the leash and only go one time around the block."
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.
Her dad said, "Where's Susie?"
The little girl said, "Susie ran out of gas about halfway down the block and there's another dog pushing her home."

Petroleum Jelly

One day while doing door-to-door market research, this guy knocks on a door and is greeted by a beautiful young housewife.
"Hello," he starts, "I'm doing some research for a petroleum jelly manufacturer. Have you ever used the product?"
"Yes. My husband and I use it during sex," she answers.
The researcher is taken aback. "Um, er, I admire you for your honesty," he continues. "Can you tell me exactly how you use it?"
"Sure, we put it on the doorknob so the kids can't get in."

Flying In The Plane

Sue and Bob, a pair of tight wads, lived in the mid west, and had been married years. Bob had always want to go flying. The desire deepen each time a barn stormer flew into town to offer rides. Bob would ask, and Sue would say, "No way, ten dollars is ten dollars."
The years went pay, and Bob figured he didn't have much longer, so he got Sue out to the show, explaining, it's free to watch, let's at least watch. And once he got there the feeling become real strong. Sue and Bob started an arguement.
The Pilot, between flights, overheard, listened to they problem, and said, "I'll tell you what, I'll take you up flying, and if you don't say a word the ride is on me, but if you back one sound, you pay ten dollars.
So off they flew. The Pilot doing as many rolls, and dives as he could--heading to the ground as fast as the plane could go, and pulling out of the dive at just the very last second. Not a word. Finally he admited defeat and went back the airport.
"I'm surprised, why didn't you say anything?"
"Well I almost said something when Sue fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."