Jokes of the day for Monday, 19 April 2021

In love

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."
The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

Safety First

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car which is designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped...
She keeps it in the trunk.

First time in the big city...

Two small-town merchants were visiting New York City for the first time to attend a conference. There was a large party thrown, with lots of food and drink. At the end of the party, they both staggered outside. One guy crossed the street, while the other stumbled into a subway entrance. When the first guy reached the other side of the street, he noticed the other emerging from the subway stairs.

"Where ya been?" he slurred.

"I don't know," gushed the other guy, "but you should see the train set that guy has in his basement!"

1. When you run away in the m

1. When you run away in the middle of a perfectly good leg humping.
2. Blaming your farts on me...not funny...not funny at all.
3. Yelling at me for barking... I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG YOU IDIOT!!
4. How you naively believe that the stupid cat isn't all overeverything while you're gone. (Have you noticed that your toothbrush tastes a little like cat butt?)
5. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly who's walk is this anyway?
6. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose...stop it.
7. Yelling at me for rubbing my ass on your carpet. Why'd you buy carpet?
8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet...idiot.
9. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous.
10. Dog sweaters. Have you noticed the fur? Imbecile.
11. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your shit up when you're not home.
12. When you pick up the crap piles in the yard. Do you realize how far behind schedule that puts me?
13. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprisedwhen I freak out everytime we go back.
14. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain,you nitwit.
15. Invisible fences. Why do you insist on screwing with us? To my knowledge, dogdom hasn'tyet solved the visible fence problem!!

Chuck Norris invented Kentucky...

Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear.

A trip to the dentist...

A woman phoned her dentist when she received a huge bill.

"I'm shocked!" she complained.

"This is three times what you normally charge."

"Yes, I know," said the dentist. "But you screamed so loudly, you scared away two other patients."

Bret Ernst: Blame America

Everybody likes to blame America for everything. What are we, only 233 years old? These other countries are thousands of years old. Not only did they not get it right, but a lot of times they screw up and ask us for help. Thats like a 90-year-old man asking a two-year-old for advice.

Biblical Puns

Q: What was the secret of Delilah getting into Samson’s house?
A: She picked his locks.
Q: Why didn’t Pharaoh let the Israelites go into the wilderness after the first six plagues?
A: He was in de Nile.
Q: Why did Samson try to avoid arguing with Delilah?
A: He didn’t want to split hairs.

A Very Minor Sin

A famous professor of surgery died and went to heaven. At the pearly gates he was asked by the gatekeeper, "Have you ever committed a sin you truly regret?""Yes," the professor answered. "When I was a young candidate at the Hospital of Saint Lucas, we played soccer against a team from the Community Hospital, and I scored a goal, which was off-side. But the referee did not see it, and the goal won us the match. I regret that now."
"Well," said the gatekeeper. "That is a very minor sin. You may enter."
"Thank you very much, Saint Peter," the professor answered.
"You're welcome, but I am not Saint Peter," said the gatekeeper. "He is having his lunch break. I am Saint Lucas."

A cab driver picks up a nun...

A cab driver picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you".
She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that. But first, you have to be single and you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"
"OK" the nun says. "Pull off to the side of the road, "maybe we will see what we can do."
The nun plants a whopper of a kiss on the cabbie! But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?"
"Forgive me, but I've sinned. I lied. I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."

20 math jokes to make you laugh

I poured my root beer into a square glass...
Now I have a beer

Why was six afraid of seven?
Because seven ate nine!

What do you call a bunch of guys who love math?
Alge-bros!

Why did the obtuse angle go to the beach?
It was over 90 degrees!

How does a mathematician plow fields?
With a pro-tractor.

What's a math teacher's favorite kind of tree?
Geometry.

Why did the girl wear glasses during math class?
It improved di-vision.

Who's the king of the pencil case?
The ruler.

Why doesn't anybody talk to circles?
Because there's no point.

What did the triangle say to the circle?
You're pointless.

Why was the obtuse triangle always upset?
Because it's never right.

What did the zero say to the eight?
Nice belt!

Why did the two 4s skip lunch?
They already 8!

How do you make seven an even number?
Remove the s!

Why was math class so long?
The teacher kept going off on a tangent.

Do you know what's odd?
Every other number!

Are monsters good at math?
Not unless you Count Dracula.

Which king loved fractions?
Henry the ⅛.

Have you heard the one about the statistician?
Probably.

What do you call a number that can't sit still?
A roamin' numeral!

Rise Caesar!

A rather bookish young man goes into a whorehouse to seek entertainment. He goes up to the madam and says, "Madam, I'd like a woman for the evening."

The Madam says, "Sir, I'm afraid all the girls are taken tonight, but if you'd care to, I'm available."

So the guy and the madam go into a bedroom and get undressed. As he takes off his clothes, she looks him over and she notices that, flaccid, he's only two inches long. But then the guy says, "Rise, Caesar!"

And his cock rises to a full 12 inches. So they have a great time, and after about five hours even the madam is very impressed.

"Sir," she says, "this has been one of the most pleasurable evenings of my life. I was wondering if you'd mind if I called the girls in so they could have a look at you. You're really something special, you know."

But the guy says, "No, madam, no. I have come to bury Caesar, not to praise him."

Help from Grandma

Having been playing outside with his friends, a small boy came into the house and asked: “Grandma, what is it called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?”
His grandma was surprised to hear such a forthright question from a six-year-old but decided to answer as honestly as she could. “Well,” she said hesitantly, “it’s called sexual intercourse.”
“Oh, okay,” said the boy and he ran outside to carry on playing with his friends.
A few minutes later, he came back in and said angrily: “Grandma, it isn’t called sexual intercourse. It’s called bunk beds. And Jimmy’s mom would like a word with you!”

Kids Food

My kids are so open to experiencing culture.
They'll try anything, from chicken tenders at an Indian restaurant to chicken tenders at a Mexican restaurant.

Drinking again

A guy decides to take off work early from work and go drinking. He stays in the bar until it closes at 2 a.m. By then, he is extremely drunk.

When he gets back to his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone up, so he takes off his shoes and starts tiptoeing up the stairs.

Halfway up the stairs, he loses his balance, falls over backwards, and lands flat on his rear end.

That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had a couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets and they broke, carving up his rear end terribly. But he was so drunk he didn't know he was hurt.

A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he saw some blood. He checked himself out in the mirror and, sure enough, his rear end is cut up something terrible. He repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances and went to bed.

The next morning, his head was hurting and his rear was hurting, and he was lying under the covers trying to think up a good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.

"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?"

"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."

"A couple of beers? That's a laugh!" she replied. "You were plastered last night, and you know it! Where'd you go?"

"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?"

"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."