Jokes of the day for Saturday, 21 August 2021

Anyone who measures their caff

Anyone who measures their caffeine intake is a tea-totaller.

A guy was standing in front of

A guy was standing in front of the gorilla cage at the zoo, when a gust of wind swept some dust into his eye. As he rubbed his eyelid, the gorilla went crazy, bent open the bars, and beat the guy senseless.
When the guy came to his senses, he reported the incident to the zookeeper. Nodding, the zookeeper explained that pulling down your eyelid means "screw you" in gorilla language. The explanation didn't make the victim feel any better, and he vowed revenge.
The next day, he purchased two large knives, two party hats, two party horns, and a large sausage. Putting the sausage in his pants, he hurried to the zoo, went right up to the gorilla's cage, and opened up his bag of goodies. Knowing that gorillas were natural mimics, he put on a party hat. The gorilla looked at him, reached through the bars, grabbed a hat from the bag, and put it on.
Next, the guy picked up his horn and blew on it. The gorilla reached out, picked up his horn, and did the same.
Then the man picked up his knife, whipped the sausage out of his pants, and sliced it in half.
The gorilla looked at the knife, looked at his own crotch, looked at the man,... and pulled down his eyelid.

A Dog's Life

A woman told a marriage counselor that her husband's complaint that he leads a dog's life is probably well founded.
"He comes in the house with muddy feet," she said, "tracks across my clean floors, barks at nothing, growls at his food, and makes himself comfortable on my best furniture."

Three Days After Easter

Following the resurrection, the disciples were still scattered about Jerusalem and the surrounding villages. John finds Peter and runs up to him. Excitedly he says, "Peter, Peter! I've got some good news and some bad news." Peter takes ahold of John and calms him down. "Take it easy, John. What is it? What's the good news?" John says, "The good news is Christ is risen." Peter says, "That's great! But, what's the bad news?" John, looking around, says, "He's really steamed about last Friday."

Actual Employee Evaluations...

The following were taken from actual employee evaluations:

* Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and shows signs of starting to dig.

* His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.

* I would not allow this man to breed.

* This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be.

* Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.

* When he opens his mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.

* He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.

* This man has delusions of adequacy.

* He sets low personal standards and consistently fails to achieve them.

* This employee should go far -- the sooner he starts, the better.

* This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

* Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't looking.

* Got a full six-pack, but is missing the plastic thingy that holds it together.

* A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

* A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.

* Bright as Alaska in December.

* Donated his brain to science before he was quite finished using it.

* Fell out of his family tree.

* The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.

* This man has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.

* If brains were taxed, he would get a rebate.

* Any dumber and he would have to be watered twice a week.

* If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you would get change back.

* If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

* It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.

* Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he gargled.

* Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.

A woman came up behind her hus

A woman came up behind her husband while he wasenjoying his morning coffee and slapped him on theback of the head. "I found a piece of paper in yourpant pocket with the name 'Marylou' written on it,"she said, furious. "You had better have anexplanation."
"Calm down, honey," the man replied. "Remember lastweek when I was at the dog track? That was the name ofthe dog I bet on."
The next morning, his wife snuck up on him and smackedhim again.
"What was that for?" he complained.
"Your dog called last night."

Chinese laundry

Walking through Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners. He turns a corner and sees a building with the sign, "Hans Olaffsen's Laundry."

"Hans Olaffsen?", he muses. "How the heck does that fit in here?"

So he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind the counter.

The tourist asks, "How did this place get a name like "Hans Olaffsen's Laundry?"

The old man answers, "Is name of owner."

The tourist asks, "Well, who and where is the owner?"

"Me, is right here," replies the old man.

"You? How did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen?"

"Is simple," says the old man. "Many, many year ago when come to this country, was stand in line at Documentation Center. Man in front was big blonde Swede. Lady look at him and go, "What your name?" He say, "Hans Olaffsen." Then she look at me and go, 'What your name?'"

"I say, Sem Ting."

The man was in no shape to dri...

The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman. "What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" asked the officer.
"I'm going to a lecture." The man said.
"And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked.
"My wife," said the man.

Glenn Wool: Uncle Sam

You know who Uncle Sam is, hes that goat-faced dude who dresses like Apollo Creed. Hes always pointing at you. He wants you. Is that really the imagery we should be listening to? An uncle who looks like hes about to touch you? Uncle Sam wants you to keep a secret.

What is sex?

An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked him, "Daddy, what is sex?" The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer. He proceeded to tell her all about the "birds and the bees." When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open. The father asked her, "Why did you ask this question?" The little girl replied, "Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs."

Walking on Water

A rabbi, priest, and a minister are out fishing in a boat on a big lake when the priest realizes that he has to go to the bathroom. Not wanting to disturb the fishing of the others in the boat by having them take him to shore, he gets out of the boat and walks across the water to do his business and then returns to the boat.A little while later the minister has to go also and he does the same. He walks across the water, does his business and returns across the water to the boat.
Finally the rabbi feels the urge to go to the bathroom too, so he climbs out of the boat. But instead of walking across the water, he falls into the water and starts to wildly splash around. The priest and the minister finally drag the rabbi back into the boat and the priest turns to the minister and says, "Maybe we should have told him where the rocks were."

24 Hours Left

A man returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, the man asks his wife for sex.

Naturally, she agrees, and they make love. About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey,you know I now have only 18 hours to live.

Could we please do it one more time?" Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.

Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife shoulder, and asks, "Honey, please...just one more time before die." She says, "Of course, Dear," and they make love for the third time.

After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep.

The man, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. "Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could..."

At this point the wife sits up and says,"Listen, I have to get up in the morning. You don't!"

Wine Jokes That Will Make You Laugh Until You Can't Hold Your Bladder!

Q: What’s the secret to enjoying a good bottle of wine?
A: Open the bottle to let it breathe. If it looks like it’s not breathing, give it mouth-to-mouth!

Q: What did the grape do when someone stepped on it?
A: It let out a little wine!

Q: How do you determine how much wine to drink?
A: Just take it on a case-by-case basis.

Q: What is a woman’s idea of a balanced diet?
A: A glass of wine in each hand!

A man sat with his wife while she sipped on her glass of wine, as she said, “I love you so much, you know. I don’t know how I could ever live without you.”
Husband: Is that you or the wine talking?
Wife: It’s me talking to the wine.

A priest is sitting on a park bench mumbling to himself, when a police officer walks over. He smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and sees a wine bottle in a paper bag beside him.
Officer: Father, have you been drinking?
Priest: Just water.
Officer: Then why do I smell wine?
Priest: Good Lord! He’s done it again!

Q: How much should you spend on a bottle of wine?
A: I don’t know, maybe 20 minutes?

Customer: Can I get a bottle of McWine please?
Cashier: Sir, this is McDonald’s.

Young Man: Wow, 50 years. What’s your secret?
Older Man: Twice a week, we go out to a fancy dinner and drink a bottle of expensive wine. Tonight is my night. She gets Thursdays.

A man exploring the ancient Py...

A man exploring the ancient Pyramids of Egypt while on vacation stumbled across a secret room. He sneaked away from the tour group and explored the room. He found a dusty lamp and picked it up. While he wiped the dust off the lamp a genie appeared in a puff of smoke.
"For freeing me from my prison, I will grant you a wish, what will it be sire?"
The man thought for a moment, then said, "I want a spectacular job, a job that no man has ever succeeded at or has ever attempted to do."
"Allah Ka Zam!" said the genie. "You're a housewife!"

Microsoft Support

A Microsoft support man goes to a firing range. He shoots 10 bullets at the target 50m away. Then the supervisors check the target and see that there's not even a single hit, and they shout to him that he missed completely. So he tells them to recheck, and gets the same answer. Then he put his finger at the top of the gun and shoots, blasting off his finger. When he saw it he shouted back "I don't know, it's working perfectly here, the problem must yours..."