Jokes of the day for Monday, 04 October 2021
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 04 October 2021 |
85 Years Old
The old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tight so that it would not blow off in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said: “Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?”
“Yes, I know,” said the lady, “I need both hands to hold onto this hat.” “But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!” said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, “Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!”
Fresh out of business school,
Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself."I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."
"Excuse me?" the accountant said.
"I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back."
"I see," the accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?"
"I'll start you at eighty thousand."
"Eighty thousand dollars!" the accountant exclaimed. "How can such a small business afford a sum like that?"
"That," the owner said, "is your first worry."
What's the emoji for con
What's the emoji for constipation? A: Colon, full-stop.The Top 10 Signs You've Joined a Cheap HMO
10. Annual breast exam conducted at Hooters.9. Directions to your doctor's office include, 'take a left when you enter the trailer park.'
8. Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicle.
7. Only proctologist in the plan is 'Gus' from Roto-Rooter.
6. Only item listed under Preventive Care feature of coverage is 'an apple a day.'
5. Your 'primary care physician' is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.
4. 'Patient responsible for 200% of out-of- network charges' is not a typo.
3. The only expense covered 100% is embalming.
2. With your last HMO, your Viagra pills didn't come in different colors with little 'M''s on them.
And The Number 1 Sign You've Joined a Cheap HMO...
1. You ask for Viagra. You get a Popsicle stick and duct tape.
Diagnosis Explained
A 90-year-old man goes for a physical and all of his tests come back normal.
The doctor says, “Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”
Larry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.”
“Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larry’s wife.
“Bonnie,” he says, “Larry is doing fine! But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done, poof, the light goes off?”
“Oh sweet Jesus”, exclaims Bonnie. “He’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”
Two guys were riding in a car,...
Two guys were riding in a car, arguing about how to say the name of the city that they were in. One said "Louieville" and the other "Louiseville." They went on arguing and arguing, until they came upon a fast-food restaurant. The one guy goes inside and says to the waitress, "Tell me the name of the place where I am right now really, really, really slowly." The waitress goes, "Bur-ger-King."Exchange
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women?Exchange him.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman
Parking Ticket
My wife and I went into town and visited a shop. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.. We went up to him and I said, "come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?" He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him an "asshole." He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires. So my wife called him a "butthead".He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing more tickets.
This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote. He finally finished, sneered at us and walked away. Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home.
We always look for cars with Obama 2012 stickers. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It’s so important at our age!!
A little girl was out with her...
A little girl was out with her Grandmother when they came across a couple of dogs mating on the sidewalk."What are they doing, Grandma?" asked the little girl. The grandmother was embarrassed, so she said, "The dog on top has hurt his paw, and the one underneath is carrying him to the doctor."
"They're just like people, aren't they Grandma?" said the little one.
"How do you mean?" asked the Grandma.
"Offer someone a helping hand," said the little girl,"and they screw you every time!"
Go to school!
Mom was trying to get her son to get out of bed and get ready for school. "I am not going to school!" the son responded defiantly.
"Why not?" Mom wanted to know.
"Well, first of all I hate school and second of all ..the kid all hate me!!" was the answer.
"Son, that's not good reasons..you will have to get up and ready for school!" Mom replied.
"Well, give me two good reasons why I should," the son said.
"Well," Mom said quietly, "First of all you are 52 years old and second of all...You are the Principal."
Two Lions
Once upon a time, long, long ago there were two unique lions in the jungles of Africa. Both, it seems, had human-like qualities that made them claim territory, daring the other to cross over the line. Strange as it seems, the boundary between their turf was a well traveled trail through the jungle. All day every day, both lions lay in the brush staring across the trail at their compatriot, daring him to cross into their territory.
The local natives knew of this animal feud, but all this was unbeknown to African Jack, a well-known and must publicized guide who did not speak Lionese and was unfamiliar with the territory.
While he was leading a safari through the jungle, walking all day and cutting vines with their machetes, all this constant hacking brush had them worn to a frazzle. After seeing two or three of his safari drop from exhaustion, African Jack decided to stop on the trail between these two lions and camp for the night.
After sitting up camp, eating, and getting his safari settled African Jack sat on a stump and began reading. While he was busily engaged in the printed page, the two lions, simultaneously, pounced on African Jack and ate him on the spot.
When the 6 o'clock news heard of the tragedy, they reported, “African Jack killed this evening. The motive is unclear, but it is reported he was reading between the lions.”
