Jokes of the day for Monday, 15 November 2021

Cannot Undress

During her annual checkup, the well-constructed miss was asked to disrobe and climb onto the examining table.
"Doctor," she replied shyly, "I just can't undress in front of you."
"All right," said the physician, "I'll flick off the lights. You undress and tell me when you're through."
In a few moments, her voice rang out in the darkness: "Doctor, I've undressed. What shall I do with my clothes?"

"Put them on the chair, on top of mine."

A government social worker was

A government social worker was visiting the an reservation for the first time.
A woman was yelling at an old Indian man. The man looked like he could use some help. The social worker walked over and broke up the disturbance by pulling the man aside.
"Hey, that lady sure hates you."
"She no lady. She my wife."
"You don't say. What's her name?"
"Wife name 'Three Horse'."
The social worker smiled. "Now that's a strange name. Three Horse. Yep, that sure is a strange name. How did she get a name like that?"
"Nag nag nag."

Getting Older

As I get older I realized....
I talk to myself, because there are times I need expert advice.

What causes it?

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest.

The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."

"Well, I'll be damned!" the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

What's an obstetrician&#

What's an obstetrician's favourite breakfast? Eggs/ovaries.

A guy goes to the supermarket...

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.
She says hello. He's rather taken a back because he can't place where he knows her. So he says, "Do you know me?"
To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife, and he says, "Oh, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I did on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped me with wet celery?"
The woman looks sternly into his eyes and says very calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."

A burglar broke into a house o...

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light back on and began searching more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."
Totally rattled, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot.
"Yes," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who do you think you are any way?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses," the burglar laughed. "What kind of stupid people would name a parrot 'Moses'?"
The bird promptly answered: "The same kind of people that would name a Rottweiler 'Jesus'!"

Nuns at the Hospital

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had bypass surgery. He awakened to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital.

As he was recovering, a nun asked how he was going to pay the bill. He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked if he had money in the bank. He replied, "No money in the bank."

The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?"
He said, "Just a spinster sister, who is a nun."

The nun, slightly perturbed, said, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."

The patient replied, "Then send the bill to my brother-in-law."

When Bruce Banner gets mad, he...

When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris.

Angelic Assistance?

An old-time pastor was riding furiously down the road, hurrying to get to church on time. Suddenly, his horse stumbled and threw him to the ground.
Lying in the dirt, his body wracked with pain, the pastor called out, "All you angels in heaven, help me get up on my horse!"
With extraordinary strength, he leaped onto the horse's back and fell off the other side.
From the ground again, he called out, "All right, just half of you angels this time!"

A guy says to the bartender...

A guy says to the bartender, "A glass of your finest Less, please."
"Less? Never heard of it."
"C'mon, sure you have."
"No, really, we don't stock it. What is it? Some kind of foreign beer?"
"I'm not sure. It was my doctor who mentioned it. He said I should drink Less."

Shy pebble, and few more new funny jokes

What's the difference between toilet paper and curtains?
I don't know.
So it was YOU!

What’s it called when you steal your bike back from the thief?
Recycling.

My friend couldn't pay his water bill,
so I sent him a "get well soon" card

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.

I was trying to steal some spaghetti from the local supermarket
... but the security lady saw me and I couldn't get pasta

I once met a shy pebble.
She wished she was a little bolder.

I think my wife had sixty one partners before me
…she calls me her sixty second lover

Earth is 70% water and uncarbonated.
Technically…
it is flat.

What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?
One is a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean.

One night, a lady stumbled int...

One night, a lady stumbled into the police station with a black eye. She claimed she heard a noise in her back yard and went to investigate. The next thing she knew, she was hit in the eye and knocked out cold.
An officer was sent to her house to investigate, and he returned 1-1/2 hours later with a black eye.
"Did you get hit by the same person?" his captain asked.
"No," he replied. "I stepped on the same rake."

53 classic hilarious short jokes

I waited and stayed up all night and tried to figure out where the sun was.
Then it dawned on me.

I told my friend 10 jokes to get him to laugh.
No pun in 10 did.

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.
I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.

I’ve decided to sell my Hoover –
it was just collecting dust.

Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards?
He was just going through a stage.

What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between you and me, something smells.

My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo.
So I had to put my foot down.

Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.
That’s just how I roll.

A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police.
He’s now a seasoned veteran.

I bought my friend an elephant for his room.
He said “Thanks!” I said “Don’t mention it.”

Why do we tell actors to ‘break a leg?’
Because every play has a cast.

I hate Russian dolls…
so full of themselves!

My friend says to me: “What rhymes with orange?”
I said: “No it doesn’t!”

Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar.
“We don’t serve your type!” shouts the barman.

I’m addicted to brake fluid, but
I can stop whenever I want.

What do you call a dog that does magic tricks?
A labracadabrador.

I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road.
I asked him, “What’s the word on the street?”

How do you get two whales in a car?
Start in England and drive west.

Two fish are sitting in a tank. One looks over at the other and says:
“Hey, do you know how to drive this thing?”

I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday.
Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.

Once my dog ate all the Scrabble tiles.
For days he kept leaving little messages around the house.

This is my step ladder.
I never knew my real ladder.

This is your captain speaking,
AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING.

My friend asked me to help him round up his 37 sheep.
I said “40”.

Hear about the new restaurant called ‘Karma’?
There’s no menu, you only get what you deserve.

I’ve found a job helping a one armed typist do capital letters.
It’s shift work.

What’s the difference between a good joke and a bad joke
timing.

Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut?
He needed a little space.

What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old?
“Aye matey.”

How do you keep an idiot in suspense?

Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows?
They’re making headlines.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather.
Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

Two whales walk into a bar. The first one says, “Weeoouhh.”
The next whale says, “Shut up, Steve. You’re drunk.”

Why did the chicken go to the séance?
To get to the other side.

What’s E.T. short for?
He’s only got little legs.

Where are average things manufactured?
The satisfactory.

Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection, except one.
He’s never gonna give you Up.

My granddad has the heart of a lion and
a lifetime ban from London Zoo.

I went on a once in a lifetime holiday.
Never again.

What sits at the bottom of the sea and twitches?
A nervous wreck.

It takes a lot of balls to golf like me.

What does a nosy pepper do?
Gets jalapeño business!

There’s no “I” in Denial.

Why can’t you explain puns to kleptomaniacs?
They always take things literally.

Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the telly.

A man tells his doctor, “Help me. I’m addicted to Twitter!”
The doctor replies, “Sorry, I’m not following you.”

Exaggerations went up by a million percent last year.

What kind of exercise do lazy people do?
Diddly-squats.

They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.

What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards?
A receding hare-line.

I used to be addicted to soap, but
I’m clean now.

What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack?
The best of thymes, the worst of thymes.

I was wondering, why does a frisbee appear larger the closer it gets? Then it hit me.

A man is being arrested

A man is being arrested by a female police officer, who informs him, "Anything you say can and will be held against you." The man replies, "Boobs!"