Jokes of the day for Thursday, 13 January 2022
|Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Thursday, 13 January 2022|
I dreamed I was a rodent. It wI dreamed I was a rodent. It was a mouse unusual dream.
What Is Wrong
This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?”
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight....”
Impersonating A Politician
I can't believe I was arrested for impersonating a politician...
I was just sitting there doing nothing.
Ice Fishing In Alaska
A drunk guy in Alaska decides to go ice fishing. So he packs up his stuff and goes out onto the ice. He starts sawing a hole in the ice, and a loud booming voice says,
"YOU WILL FIND NO FISH UNDER THAT ICE."
The drunk looks up, ignores it, and continues on.
The voice repeats, "YOU WILL FIND NO FISH
The drunk looks up and says, "Is this God trying to warn me?"
The voice says "NO, I'M THE MANAGER OF THIS ICE RINK."
A young Southern boy goes off...A young Southern boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 of the waythrough the semester, he has foolishly squandered away all of the money hisparents gave him.
Then he gets an idea. He calls his daddy. "Dad," he says, "you won'tbelieve the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why,they actually have a program here at college that will teach our dog OleBlue how to talk!"
"That's absolutely amazing," his father says. "How do I get him inthat program?"
"Just send him down here with $1,000" the boy says. "I'll get himinto the course." So, his father sends the dog and the $1,000.
About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy callshis father again. "So how's Ole Blue doing, son," his father asks.
"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believethis they've had such good results with this program that they'veimplemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"
"READ," says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get himin that program? "
Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." His father sends themoney.
The boy now has a problem. At the end of the year, his father willfind out that the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.
When he gets home at the end of the semester, his father is allexcited. "Where's Ole Blue? I just can't wait to see him talk and readsomething!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, justbefore we left to drive home, Ole Blue was in the living room kicking backin the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then heturned to me and asked, ' So, is your daddy still messin' around with thatlittle redhead who lives on Oak Street ?'
The father says, "I hope you SHOT that son of a bitch before he talksto your Mother!"
"I sure did, Dad!"
"That's my boy!"
Rickey Smiley: White ChurchI joined a white church because white people get out on time.
You might be a redneck if 57You might be a reneck if...
You live close enough to town to get garbage service, but don't use it because they won't come down your driveway to get it.
The fellows on the big garbage moving equipment recoginze your wife.... and wave to her.
Your wife picks thru your garbage cans looking for any bait that may have grown in them since the last time you went.
You have ever removed the 3-9 zoom scope from your deer rifle to use at a KISS concert.
You have more than 2 used pampers rolling around in the back of your truck.
When you put your hunting boots on you only get them on the right feet 50% of the time.
Your idea of a neighborhood watch program is tuning into "America's Most Wanted".
You own more than two clappers.
You go to Wal-Mart to people watch.
You recycle enough Copenhagen lids to buy Christmas presents.
Question And AnswerQ: What is the definition of an accountant?
A: Someone who solves a problem, you didn't know you had, in a way you don't understand.
Q: What does an accountant do for birth control?
A. He talks about his business.
Q: What is an extroverted accountant?
A: One who looks at your shoes while he's talking to you instead of his own.
Q: What is an insolvency practitioner?
A: Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.
There are just three types of accountants:
Those who can count and those who can't.
Q: Why did the auditor cross the road?
A: Because he looked in the file and that's what they did last year.
Q: How do you drive an accountant completely insane?
A: Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him and fold up a road map the wrong way.
Q: What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don't?
Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and an accountant?
A: The accountant knows he is boring.
Q: How was copper wire invented?
A: Two accountants were arguing over a penny.
Q: What's an auditor?
A: Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.
Q: When does a person decide to become an accountant?
A: When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.
Q: What's the definition of a good tax accountant?
A: Someone who has a loophole named after him.
Q: What's an extroverted accountant?
A: One who looks at your shoes while he's/she's talking to you instead of his/her own.
Accountants don't die, they just lose their balance.
Q: What's an accountant's idea of trashing his/her hotel room?
A: Refusing to fill out the guest comment card.
Q: What's a shy and retiring accountant?
A: An accountant who is half a million shy and that's why he's/she's retiring.
Q: What's an actuary?
A: An accountant without the sense of humor.
Q: Why do some accountants decide to become actuaries?
A: They find bookkeeping too exciting.
Q: What do actuaries do to liven up their office party?
A: Invite an accountant.
Q: What is GAAP (generally accepted accounting principles)?
A: The difference between accounting theory and practice.
A blonde was playing Trivial P...A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night.
It was her turn, she rolled the dice and landed on "Science & Nature".
Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time, and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
I was wondering why the ball k...I was wondering why the ball kept getting bigger and bigger, and then it hit me.
Single vs. MarriedWhy are single women thinner than married women?
Single women come home, look in their refrigerator, and go to bed.
Married women come home, look in their bed, then go to the refrigerator!
Benefits of the RevivalAfter the revival had concluded, the three pastors were discussing the results with one another.
The Methodist minister said, "The revival worked out great for us! We gained 4 new families."
The Baptist preacher said, "We did better than that! We gained 6 new families."
The Presbyterian pastor said, "Well, we did even better than that! We got rid of our 10 biggest trouble makers!"