Jokes of the day for Thursday, 10 March 2022

A young American tourist goes

A young American tourist goes on a guided tour of a creepy old European castle. At the end of the tour the guide asks her how she enjoyed it. She admits to being a bit worried about seeing a ghost in some of the dark cobwebby rooms and passages.
"Don't worry," says the guide, "I've never seen a ghost all the time I've been here."
"How long is that?" asks the girl.
"About three hundred years..."

Late Appointment

Doctor: "I see you're over a month late for your appointment. Don't you know that nervous disorders require prompt and regular attention? What's your excuse?"
Patient: "I was just following your orders, Doc."
Doctor: "Following my orders? What are you talking about? I gave you no such order."
Patient: "You told me to avoid people who irritate me."

Canada's most famous din

Canada's most famous dinosaur? Toronnosaurus Rex.

We judge on results...

A minister has just died and is standing on line waiting to be judges and admitted to Heaven. While waiting he asks the man in front of him about himself. "I'm a taxi driver from Noo Youk Cidy"

Suddenly the angel standing at the gate calls out next, and the taxi driver steps up. The angel hands him a golden staff and a cornucopia of fruits, cheeses and wine and lets him pass. The taxi driver is quite pleased, and proceeds through the gates.

Next, the minister steps up to the angel and the angel hands him a wooden staff and some bread and water. The minister is very concerned and asks the angel, "That guy is a taxi driver and gets a golden staff and a cornucopia! I spend my entire life as a minister and get nothing! How can that be?"

The angel replies, "Up here we judge on results, all of your people sleep through your sermons, in his taxi, they pray."

Define embarrassment

Q. What's the definition of embarrassment?

A. Running into a wall with a hard-on and breaking your nose.

If God Had Voice Mail

Thank you for calling heaven.
I am sorry, all of our angels and saints are busy helping other sinners right now. However, your prayer is important to us and we will answer it in the order it was received. Please stay on the line.
If you would like to speak to:
God, press 1.
Jesus, press 2.
The Holy Spirit, press 3.
If you would like to hear King David sing a Psalm while you are holding, press 4.
To find a loved one who has been assigned to Heaven, press 5, then enter his or her social security number followed by the pound sign. (If you get a negative response, please hang up and try area code 666.)For reservations in heaven, please enter J-O-H-N 3:16
For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, the age of the earth, life on other planets, and where Noah's Ark is, please wait until you arrive.
If you are calling after hours and need emergency assistance, please contact your local pastor.

Should Have Glasses

A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license. He says "Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses."
The woman answered "Well, I have contacts."
The policeman replied "I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!"

In a certain suburban neighbor

In a certain suburban neighborhood, there were two brothers, 8 and 10 years old, who were exceedingly mischievous. Whatever went wrong in the neighborhood, it turned out they had had a hand in it. Their parents were at their wit’s end trying to control them.
Hearing about a priest nearby who worked with delinquent boys, the parents thought that they should ask the priest to talk with the boys. The priest agreed to talk with the boys and asked to see the younger boy first. So the mother sent him to the priest.
The priest sat the boy down across a huge, impressive desk he sat behind. For about five minutes they just sat and stared at each other. Finally, the priest pointed his forefinger at the boy and asked, "Where is God?"
The boy looked under the desk, in the corners of the room, all around, but said nothing.
Again, louder, the priest pointed at the boy and asked "Where is God?"
Again the boy looked all around but said nothing.
A third time, in a louder, firmer voice, the priest leaned far across the desk and put his forefinger almost to boy’s nose, and asked, "Where is God? The boy panicked and ran all the way home.
Finding his older brother, he dragged him upstairs to their room and into the closet, where they usually plotted their mischief.
He finally said, "We are in BIIIIG trouble."
The older boy asked, "What do you mean, BIIIIG trouble?"
His brother replied, "God is missing and they think we did it."

I Want This Done Right

A man with a piece of paper in his hand comes into an office where another man is sitting next to a shredding machine.

"Do you know how to operate this thing?" he asks. "I have an important paper here and I want to make sure this is done right."

"Sure," the other man answers. "Just put the paper in here and press this button."

The first man does so, saying, "Great. And where do the copies come out?"

Hear about the blond

Hear about the blonde that bought an AM radio? It took her a month to figure out she could play it at night too.

Buying Stamps for Hanukkah

A woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Hanukkah cards.
She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Hanukkah stamps?"
The clerk says, "What denomination?"
The woman replies, "Oh my. Has it come to this? Give me 6 Orthodox, 12 Conservative, and 32 Reform."

I'm your best friend!

A man is sitting at the bar in his local tavern, furiously imbibing shots of whiskey. One of his friends happens to come into the bar and sees him. "Lou," says the shocked friend, "what are you doing? I've known you for over fifteen years, and I've never seen you take a drink before. What's going on?"

Without even taking his eyes off his newly filled shot glass, the man replies, "My wife just ran off with my best friend." He then throws back another shot of whisky in one gulp.

"But," says the other man, "I'm your best friend!"

The man turns to his friend, looks at him through bloodshot eyes, smiles, and then slurs, "Not anymore! He is!"

Paul Varghese: Knock Knock Joke

My friends a Jehovahs Witness. He got all pissed at me because he tried to tell me a knock knock joke and I ignored him.

Doing Nothing

Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Nothing.
Wife: You did that yesterday.
Me: I wasn't finished.

7 jokes to start your day and exercise abs with laughter

I asked the chef at the seafood restaurant why octopus was off the menu.
He said, "It takes 4 hours to cook."
"Really?" I asked.
The chef replied, "Yes, it keeps turning the gas off!"

I got arrested for doing 1000 sit-ups in my own house!
They charged me with domestic ab use

People always ask why I tuck a pen in my shoe
I reply "in case I need to make footnotes!"

My hands got all cut up and bloody handling a piece of cheese
I’ll never buy sharp cheddar again

Which superhero is not allowed near children?
The flash

Which superhero can’t you trust with your valuables?
The man of steal.

I’m an electrician Most people are really shocked
when they learn I’m not that great at it