Jokes of the day for Friday, 25 March 2022
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Friday, 25 March 2022 |
A woman goes away on vacation
A woman goes away on vacation and has her brother watch her cat. On the second day, when she calls her brother to see how things are going he tells her that the cat is dead.The woman immediately goes into hysterics, really upset and says, "You can't tell a person bad news like that. The first day, you should have said that Fluffy was stuck on the roof and couldn't get down. The second day, you could have said that she had fallen, but the vet said she would be ok. The third day you could have said that she died from complications."
The next day the brother calls the woman up and says, "I have news."
"What?"
"Grandma is stuck on the roof and can't get down ..."
The Last Quarter
The economy is terrible. At the beginning of the year, the politicians promised things would improve by the last quarter...
Well, I'm down to my last quarter and they haven't improved!
There is nothing but
There is nothing but hypocritical and sanctimonious talk, typically of a moral, religious, or political nature, under a mere cant I list economy. #joke #short
Saving the President...
One day Bill Clinton was out jogging and he accidently tripped and fell off a bridge into the cold water below...
Three 10 year old boys were playing along the river and saw him fall in so they all jumped in and saved him and dragged him to shore.
He was so thankful that he told each of them, "Boys, you just saved the President of the United States and each of you deserve a reward."
The first boy says, "I want to go to Disneyland!"
"I'll take you there myself!!!" exclaims Bill.
The second boy says, "I want a brand new pair of autographed Nike Air Jordans."
"I'll buy them for you myself," says Bill
"And I want a motorized wheelchair with a stereo built into it with custom speakers" the third boy says.
The president looks at the boy and says, "But son you don't look like you are handicapped to me"
The boy says, "I'm going to be when my dad finds out that I saved you from drowning!!"
The Sklar Brothers: Aggressive Advertising
Jason Sklar: It was the most aggressive advertisement weve ever seen. It was a bus bench ad advertising bus bench ads. Randy Sklar: It was like the M.C. Escher of advertising
Chelsea Peretti: Getting Attacked
I always think, what would I do if someone tried to get me? My first thought is just something dumb, like Id try to pick my nose and just be gross. In my mind a rapist is just some white hat frat boy whod just be like, Ugh nasty, forget it. Learn some manners.Answering Machine Message 251
Alpha Centauri Space Station. Commander Marlin can't come to the phone right now. He's either saving the universe from some dread, unnamed peril, or perhaps taking a nappie. Leave your name and number after the beep and he will return your call.
School Report
Our 15-year-old daughter, Melanie, had to write a report for school about World War II, specifically D-Day and the invasion of Normandy.“Isn't there a movie about that?” she asked.
I told her there was, but I couldn't think of the name.
Then it came to her, “Oh, I remember! Isn't it something like ‘Finding Private Nemo'?”
Our Favorite Lightbulb Jokes
HOW MANY ZEN BUDDHISTS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB?
A: Three. One to change the lightbulb, one NOT to change the lightbulb, and one to neither change nor not change the lightbulb.
HOW MANY EPISCOPALIANS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB?
A: Eight. One to call the electrician, and seven to say how much they liked the old one better.
HOW MANY UNITARIANS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB?
A: The Unitarians wish to issue the following statement:
"We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a lightbulb; however, if in your own journey you have found that lightbulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship with your lightbulb, and present it next month at our annual lightbulb Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of lightbulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence."
HOW MANY PENTECOSTALS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB?
A: Ten. One to change the bulb and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.
I hired a zombie to...
“I hired a zombie to do some work around my house. He is the working dead.”
A big girl came up to me
A big girl came up to me after a show and said, "I think you're fatist." I said, "No, no. I think you're fattest."
Jimmy Carr (September 15 1972-)
Picture: Andrew Crowley
Comfortable
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock.
They only have $600 left. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'
The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, 'It's just 99 cents a word.' Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.
After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'
The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable?'
The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it very slowly ... com-for-da-bull.'
A little old lady was running...
A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say, "Supersex!" She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex!" He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
You Might Be A Redneck If...
You've ever given a set of Tupperware ice tea glasses as a wedding present.Your dungarees expose more than half of your crack in the back because the weight of your pocket knife.
Your idea of heaven involves two shotguns and a keg of beer.
You picket your horses on your lawn so you won't have to mow it.
You're wearing a camoflauge jacket and dipping in your driver's license pic.
You stop to flirt with the person running the drive through at McDonalds.
You save old kitchen appliances for target practice.
You save old kitchen appliances for children's Christmas presents.
You get up EARLY on Saturday to go yard sale shopping for entertainment.
Your gun cabinet takes up half your living room.
