Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 19 April 2022
|Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Tuesday, 19 April 2022
Everyone Has It!
Everyone has photographic memory!
Difference is some do not have any film.
The Irishman's Olives
McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.
"S'cuse me," said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done. "What was that all about?"
"Nothing," said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."
A group of girls walks into a bar. One of the women tells the bartender to line up a row of drinks for all of them. The gals lift their glasses and toast: "Here's to 51 days!" and they proceed to down their drinks.
Once again, they tell the bartender to "line 'em up" and once again they toast 51 days and down their drinks.
The bartender says: "I don’t get it. Why in the world are you toasting 51 days?"
One of the girl explains: "We just finished a jigsaw puzzle. It had written on the box '2-4 years' but we finished it in only 51 days!"
You can always tell an ogre by...You can always tell an ogre by the loud shreking noise.
A trip to the dentist...
A woman phoned her dentist when she received a huge bill.
"I'm shocked!" she complained.
"This is three times what you normally charge."
"Yes, I know," said the dentist. "But you screamed so loudly, you scared away two other patients."
Bret Ernst: Blame AmericaEverybody likes to blame America for everything. What are we, only 233 years old? These other countries are thousands of years old. Not only did they not get it right, but a lot of times they screw up and ask us for help. Thats like a 90-year-old man asking a two-year-old for advice.
Q: What was the secret of Delilah getting into Samsonâ€™s house?
A: She picked his locks.
Q: Why didnâ€™t Pharaoh let the Israelites go into the wilderness after the first six plagues?
A: He was in de Nile.
Q: Why did Samson try to avoid arguing with Delilah?
A: He didnâ€™t want to split hairs.
A Very Minor Sin
A famous professor of surgery died and went to heaven. At the pearly gates he was asked by the gatekeeper, "Have you ever committed a sin you truly regret?""Yes," the professor answered. "When I was a young candidate at the Hospital of Saint Lucas, we played soccer against a team from the Community Hospital, and I scored a goal, which was off-side. But the referee did not see it, and the goal won us the match. I regret that now."
"Well," said the gatekeeper. "That is a very minor sin. You may enter."
"Thank you very much, Saint Peter," the professor answered.
"You're welcome, but I am not Saint Peter," said the gatekeeper. "He is having his lunch break. I am Saint Lucas."
There are three kinds of men...There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation.
The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.
Just because i appear to believeJust because i appear to believe your bullshit, It doesn't mean i'm as stupid as you think. I'm just laughing inside waiting to see what else you come up with.
So FatYo mamma's so fat, when she wears a red dress, the kids in the neighborhood yell, "Hey, Kool-Aid!"
Yo mamma's so fat, when she sat on a rainbow, skittles popped out.
Yo mamma's so fat, even God couldn't lift her spirits!
Yo mamma's so fat, she has her own zip code!
Yo mamma's so fat, it takes a train and two buses to get on her good side.
Yo mamma's so fat, when she stepped in the road and I tried to swerve around her, I ran out of gas!
Yo mamma's so fat, when she walked in front of the TV, I missed five minutes of the show!
Yo mamma's so fat, when she walked into a room, someone said, "Woah! Was that a solar eclipse or did Free Willie just walk in?
Yo mamma's so fat, when she walked into a hotel and asked for a water bed, they put a blanket over the ocean!
Yo mamma's so fat, she rents shade!
Yo mamma's so fat, she invented the lowrider!
Yo mamma's so fat, she tripped over K-Mart, stumbled over Wal-Mart and landed on Target!
Yo mamma's so fat, when she puts on high heels in the morning, by the afternoon they're flats.
Yo mamma's so fat, her picture weighs ten pounds.
Yo mamma's so fat, she tripped over a rock and fell asleep trying to get up!
Yo mamma's so fat, when she stepped on a scale, it said, "to be continued."
Yo mamma's so fat, when she wears a yellow coat, people run after her yelling "taxi!"
Yo mamma's so fat, she's on both sides of the family.
Yo mamma's so fat, when she got lost (amazingly) they had to use all 4 sides of the milk carton.
My wife's a liar
"That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a sympathetic pal seated next to him in the bar.
"How do you know?" the friend asked.
"She didn't come home last night, and when I asked her where she'd been, she said she'd spent the night with her sister, Shirley."
"So?" the friend replied.
"So, she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister Shirley!"
> it's a sad day when your child looks at you and asks
You know, it's a sad day when your child looks at you and asks:
- Daddy, is this organic?
I grew up on Angel Delight! We didn't have anything in the house if it wasn't neon!
Dylan Moran (November 3 1971)
The Password Is
I was in a couple’s home trying to fix their Internet connection. The husband called out to his wife in the other room for the computer password. “Start with a capital S, then 123,” she shouted back.
We tried S123 several times, but it didn’t work. So we called the wife in. As she input the password, she muttered, “I really don’t know what’s so difficult about typing Start123.”