Jokes of the day for Friday, 08 July 2022
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Friday, 08 July 2022 |
The Mayor and the Contractor
The mayor of a Jewish village decided to create an additional room in their home.His wife spoke to the general contractor for some time. They laughed and enjoyed what seemed like a long conversation. Her husband asked what they were talking about. The woman introduced the two men and the general contractor returned to his work. The husband asked, "Did you know each other?" The wife replied, "Yes, actually. We were engaged to be married when I was very young."Her husband smiled and said. "Wow, I guess you should be happy you married me. I'm the mayor. If you had married him, you would have been married to a general contractor." "No" she replied. "He would have been the mayor."-When you drink Vodka over ice,
When you drink Vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure.When you drink Rum over ice, it can give you liver failure.
When you drink Whiskey over ice, it can give you heart problems.
When you drink Gin over ice, it can give you brain problems.
Apparently, ice is really bad for you. Warn all your friends.
Cave People
Why was school so much easier for cave people?
Because they had no history to study!
Cross-eyed dog
A man took his Rottweiler to the vet and said "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," said the vet, "lets have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and has a good look at its eyes.
"Hmm," says the vet, "I'm going to have to put him down"
"Just because he's cross-eyed?" says the man.
"No, because he's heavy," says the vet.
Hospital Trolley
A beautiful young girl is about to undergo a minor operation. She's laid on a hospital trolley bed with nothing on, except a sheet over her. The nurse pushes the trolley down the corridor towards the operating theatre, where she leaves the girl on the trolley outside, while she goes in to check whether everything is ready. A young man wearing a white coat approaches, lifts the sheet up and starts examining her naked body. He puts the sheet back and then walks away and talks to another man in a white coat. The second man comes over, lifts the sheet and does the same examinations. When a third man does the same thing, but more closely, she grows impatient and says: "All these examinations are fine and appreciated, but when are you going to start the operation?"
The man in the white coat shrugged his shoulders: "I have no idea. We're just painting the corridor."
Do Your Boobs?
One day this guy named Dan was sitting in class next to a really hot girl named Jen. He was a dork but had a huge chrush on Jen. Dan wanted to tell her about his chrush on her but didn't know how to. So he said "Are your boobs so hard that when you touch them your fingers start bleeding?"Jen was totally grossed out and said in reply "I guess you've never seen boobs before" **The End**
First hand job
A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and finally she agrees to go out with him. He takes her to a nice restaurant and buys her a fancy dinner with expensive wine.
On the way home, he pulls over to the side of the road in a secluded spot.
They start necking and he's getting pretty excited. He starts to reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she's a virgin and wants to stay that way.
"Well, okay," he says, "how about a blow job?"
"Yuck!" she screams. "I'm not putting that thing in my mouth!"
He says, "Well, then, how about a hand job?"
"I've never done that," she says. "What do I have to do?"
"Well," he answers, "remember when you were a kid and you used to shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it?"
She nods.
"Well, it's just like that."
So, he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it.
A few seconds later, his head flops back on the headrest, his eyes close, snot starts to run out of his nose, wax blows out of his ear and he screams out in pain.
"What's wrong?!" she cries out.
"Take your thumb off the end!!"
Chuck Norris' favourite cut of...
Chuck Norris' favourite cut of meat is the roundhouse.Hamburger
A man walks into a hamburger shop and orders a regular meal. Later, the waitress brings his meal to him. He takes a bite out of it, and notices there's a small hair in the hamburger. He begins yelling frantically at the waitress, "Waitress, there's a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what is going on!"
So, the waitress takes him back where the cook is and to his demise, he sees the cook take the meat patty and flatten it under his arm pit. He says, "That's disgusting!"
Then the waitress says, "You think that's disgusting you should see him make donuts."
Ben Bailey: Slow People in the Subway
The thing I hate the most about the subway is every time I get off the train and Im trying to get out of the station and back up to the street, I end up getting stuck behind these really slow people on the stairs. It happens to me every time I take the subway. Its been happening to me for years. And my question is this: how the hell do they keep beating me to the stairway? A man was in a terrible accide...
A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic.The doctor said that the cost would be $3500 for small, $6500 for medium, and $14,000 for large. The man was sure he wanted a large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.
The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options.
The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking quite dejected.
"Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor.
The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen."
Ineffective Pain Pills
"Evidently, my pain pills are not working."
"Why do you say that?"
"Well, you're still here."
How kind you are?
No matter how kind you are,
German children are kinder.
Joke found on reddit, posted by mattsulli in 2016
Photo by Elliot11 Medino on Pixabay
The Single Guy...
Man walks into a supermarket and buys :
1 bar of soap 1 toothbrush 1 tube toothpaste 1 loaf of bread 1 pint of milk 1 single serving cereal 1 single serving frozen dinner
The girl at the checkout looks at him and says "Single are you?" The man replies very sarcastically "How did you guess?" She replies "because you're ugly."
