Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 10 August 2022
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Wednesday, 10 August 2022 |
Lance Armstrong felt better af
Lance Armstrong felt better after appearing on Oprah. She gave him performance-enhancing hugs. Nonetheless, Lance committed male fraud: He was master of the pellets-on. Somehow he never failed his testes—he didn't stop until he had one. Now, stripped of his Tour titles, the most shocking revelation is that Lance has a No Jersey accent. Anyway I guess it's back to eating Sheryl Crow. [The Gents thank Ashley, Bryan and Jordan for collaborating on today's puns!]The boss called one of his emp
The boss called one of his employees into the office."Rob," he said, "you've been with the company for a year. You started off in the post room, one week later you were promoted to a sales position, and one month after that you were promoted to district manager of the sales department. Just four short months later, you were promoted to vice-chairman. Now it's time for me to retire, and I want you to take over the company. What do you say to that?"
"Thanks," said the employee.
"Thanks?" the boss replied. "Is that all you can say?"
"I suppose not," the employee said. "Thanks, Dad."
Church Bulletin Bloopers: Carpets and Choir Robes
A new loudspeaker system has been installed in the church. It was given by one of our members in honor of his wife.Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children. The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered. The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.On the main page of the Internet web site for the Evangelical Lutheran Church in Canada: "In a show of near anonymity, the convention approved full communion with the Anglican Church of Canada."Father is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary. The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.Announcement: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer Conference includes meals."The agenda was adopted. The minutes were approved. The financial secretary gave a grief report.Stewardship Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All."-
Start With A Joke
The boss asked Mark to start the presentation with a joke.
He shared his paycheck as the first slide.
Questions to ponder....
If Con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?
If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Is a castrated pig disgruntled?
Why are hemorrhoids called 'hemorrhoids' instead of 'asteroids'?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn't everyone just move 10 miles away?
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
Why is abbreviation such a long word?
Since light travels faster than sound, is that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
Can you imagine a world with no hypothetical situations?
Not Afraid
A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the back entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'
The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'
Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.
'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.
Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.
Don't doubt it for a minute, ' returned the old man, in an even tone.
'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying agony for all eternity?' persisted Satan.
Yep,' was the calm reply.
'And you're still not afraid?' asked Satan.
'Nope,' said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, ' Why aren't you afraid of me?'
The man calmly replied, 'Been married to your sister for 48 years.'
A grasshopper walks into a bar...
A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says, 'Hey, we have a drink named after you!'The grasshopper looks surprised and says, 'You have a drink named Steve?'
The Devil
George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.
Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.
Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a check.
Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.
When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA so cheaply. The devil smiles and replies: "Since Obama took over, the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."
Chuck Norris once leaned again...
Chuck Norris once leaned against a tower in Pisa, Italy.Stock market report...
Helium was up, feathers were down.Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
Knives were up sharply.
Cows steered into a bull market.
Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom.
Diapers remained unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
The market for raisins dried up.
Coca Cola fizzled.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
Sun peaked at midday.
Balloon prices were inflated.
Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.
And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market
The Lawyer at the Pearly Gates
Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into heaven, they would each have to answer one question.
St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, “What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it.” The teacher answered quickly, “That would be the Titanic.” St. Peter let her through the gate.
St. Peter turned to the garbage man and figuring heaven didn’t REALLY need all the odors this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: “How many people died on the ship?” But the trash man had just seen the movie, too, and he answered, “about 1,500.”
“That’s right! You may enter,” said Peter.
Then St. Peter turned to the lawyer and said, “Name them.”
This joke was reprinted from "The Book of Catholic Jokes" by Deacon Tom Sheridan, with permission of ACTA Publications. Copyright 2008. All rights reserved.
World Cotton Day Jokes
On 7th October it's World Cotton Day! Let's have some cotton-themed humor:
I’m allergic to cotton
I would take medicine for it, but I can’t get it out of the bottle
I told my kids I was gonna take them to that place with the Ferris wheel and cotton candy, but instead I took them to the dentist
They said it wasn’t fair
My teacher in workshop laughed when I said I could make a deadly knife out of cotton...
...After I sharpened the tip, he backed down saying, "I see you've made your point."
"Why is that cotton candy talking?"
"Grandma, that's Nicki Minaj"
Scientists have created a cotton plant resistant to boll weevils.
When asked about it, they replied, "It's unbollweevible."
A man and a monkey walk into a bar
>The man sits down and orders a beer. The monkey jumps onto the bar and eats a very old olive that was sitting there.
The bartender says, "Did you see what your monkey did? He ate that disgusting olive!"
The man says, "Oh, he does stuff like that all the time. Just ignore it."
The man finishes his beer and he and the monkey leave.
A couple days later, the man and the monkey walk back into the bar. The man sits down and orders a beer. The monkey jumps onto the pool table and swallows the cue ball.
The bartender says, "Did you see what your monkey did? He swallowed the cue ball!"
The man says, "Oh, he does stuff like that all the time. Just ignore it."
The man finishes his beer and he and the monkey leave.
A week later, the man and the monkey walk back into the bar. The man sits down and orders a beer. The monkey jumps onto the bar, picks up a cherry, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender says, "That is the most disgusting thing I've ever seen. Your monkey stuck that cherry up his butt and ate it."
The man says, "Yeah, ever since the cue ball incident, he measures everything first."
What is the difference between
What is the difference between a good and a bad girl? A good girl goes to a party, goes home then goes to bed.
A bad girl goes to a party, goes to bed then goes home.
