Jokes of the day for Saturday, 20 August 2022
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Saturday, 20 August 2022 |
A huge guy marries a tiny girl
A huge guy marries a tiny girl, and at the wedding, one of his friends says to him, "How the hell do the two of you have sex?"The big guy says, "I just sit there, naked, on a chair, she sits on top, and I bob her up and down."
His friend says, "You know, that don't sound too bad."
The big guy says, "Well, it's kind of like jerking off, only I got somebody to talk to."
Three Wishes for Three Priests
Three priests died and came up to St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter looked up the priests and informed them there had been a mistake; they were not supposed to die for another 10 years or so. The priests were upset about this and asked St. Peter what could be done. St. Peter said that he would send them back to earth in any form they wanted until the problem was fixed.St Peter asks the first priest, " What do you want to become?" and the first priest replies," I always wanted to be an eagle and see all of God's creation from above." "Done." St. Peter snaps his fingers and the first priest disappears. St. Peter asks the second priest, "What do you want to become?" and the second priest replies, "I always wanted to be a dolphin and see all of God's creation from under the sea.""Done." St Peter snaps his fingers and the second priest disappears like the first. St. Peter asks the third priest, "What do you want to become?"" and the third priest shyly says, ""Well... my wish is kind of sinful." "No matter. You can choose any form you want." St. Peter says and the third priest replies, "Well, I always wanted to be a...stud, you know?" St .Peter replies, "I don't see a problem with that." St. Peter snaps his fingers and the third priest disappears. Later, Jesus asked St. Peter, " I heard there was a problem with three priests being here before their time. Where are they?" St. Peter explained, "One is soaring high above the Grand Canyon. The second is swimming in the North Atlantic. The third is on the left rear tire of a Chevy Blazer."-Top secret....
You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super- secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"
Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.
The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.
By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.
The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane...only this time there were two people in the plane.
The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"
Lost Rooster
The priest in a small Irish village was very fond of the chickens he kept in the hen house out the back of the parish manse. He had a cock rooster and about ten hens.
One Saturday night the cock rooster went missing and as that was the time he suspected cock fights occurred in the village he decided to do something about it at church the next morning.
At Mass, he asked the congregation "Has anybody got a cock?" - all the men stood up.
"No No" he said "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?" - all the women stood up.
"No No" he said "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them." - half the women stood up.
"No No" he said "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen my cock?" - all the nuns stood up.
Jupiter's Great Red Spot isn't...
Jupiter's Great Red Spot isn't a storm. It's where Chuck Norris puts his victims.Bee Inconspicuous
Two bees ran into each other. The first bee asked the other how things were going.
"Really bad," said the second bee. "The weather has been really wet and damp and there aren't any flowers or pollen, so I can't make any honey."
"No problem," said the first bee. "Just fly down five blocks and turn left. Keep going until you see all the cars. There's a Bar Mitzvah going on and there are all kinds of fresh flowers and fruit."
"Thanks for the tip," said the second bee, and he flew away.
A few hours later, the two bees ran into each other again. The first bee asked, "How'd it go?""Great!" said the second bee. "It was everything you said it would be."
"Uh, what's that thing on your head?" asked the first bee.
"That's my yarmulke," said the second bee. "I didn't want them to think I was a wasp."
A Meticulous Plan Goes Completely Wrong
A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball game.
For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands.
When the day of the game arrived, everything went quite well. As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, “Up Nuts”, and the patients complied by standing up. After the anthem, he yelled, “Down Nuts”, and they all sat back down in their seats.
After a home run was hit, the doctor yelled, “Cheer Nuts” They all broke out into applause and cheered. When the umpire made a particularly bad call against the star of the home team, the Doctor yelled, “Booooo Nuts” and they all started booing and cat calling.
Comfortable with their response, the doctor decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned, there was a riot in progress.
Finding his missing assistant, the doctor asked:” What in the world happened?”
The assistant replied: “Well everything was going just fine until this guy walked by and yelled, “PEANUTS!”
Learning by example...
Little Johnny was caught swearing by his teacher.
"Johnny," she said, "you shouldn't use that kind of language. Where did you hear such talk, anyway?"
"My daddy said it," he responded.
"Well, that doesn't matter," explained the teacher. "You don't even know what it means."
"I do, too!" Little Johnny retorted. "It means the car won't start."
A guy goes to see the doctor...
A guy goes to see the doctor, because he's a little too well-endowed. In fact, it's 25 inches long and he can't get any women to have sex with him. Anyway, the doctor says there's nothing he can do medically, but recommends a witch doctor that he thinks might be able to help.
The witch doctor takes a look at the problem and tells him to go to a particular pond, deep in the forest, and talk to a frog that lives there. "Ask the frog to marry you and each time the frog says no, you'll be 5 inches shorter."
Worth a try, he thinks, and off he dashes into the forest. He finds the pond and sees the frog on the other side, sitting on a log. "Frog, will you marry me?"
The frog looks at him, disinterested at best, and calls back, "No."
The guy looks down and sure enough, he's 5 inches shorter. Hey, this is great he thinks -- let's try that again. "Will you marry me?"
The frog rolls his eyes, and shouts back again, "No!"
Zappo! -- the guy's down to 15 inches. Well, that's still a bit excessive, he thinks. Down another 5 would be perfect. So he calls across again, "Frog, will you marry me?"
The irritated frog yells back, "Look..how many times do I have to tell you? No, No, NO!"
Tea set
A girl was given a tea set for her second birthday. It became one of her favorite toys, and when her mother went away for a few weeks to care for her sick aunt, the toddler loved to take her father a little cup of tea, which was just water really, while he was engrossed watching the news on TV. He sipped each "cup of tea" he was brought and lavished generous praise on the taste, leaving the little girl immensely proud.
Eventually the mother returned home and the father couldn't wait to show her how his little princess had been looking after him. On cue, the girl took him his "cup of tea" and he sipped it before praising it to the heavens.
The mother watched him drink it and said: "Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"
HANNIBAL BURESS - dudes in my neighborhood that have handlebar mustaches
@hannibalburess http://on.cc.com/1BU4c7D
There's a lot of dudes in my neighborhood that have handlebar mustaches.
Which is cool if you want to have a handlebar mustache.
But don't try to have a conversation with me like you don't have a handlebar mustache.
