Jokes of the day for Friday, 02 September 2022

Al, Bill, and Hillary at the Pearly Gates

Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed. In heaven, they found God sitting on the great, white throne.He addressed Al first. "Al, what do you believe in?"Al replied, "Well, I believe I won the election in 2000, but it was your will that I did not serve. I've come to understand that now."God thought for a second and said, "Very good. Come and sit at my left."God then addressed Bill. "Bill, what do you believe in?" Bill replied, "I believe in forgiveness. I've sinned, but I've never held a grudge against my fellow man, and I hope no grudges are held against me."Again, God thought for a second and then said, "You are forgiven, my son. Come and sit at my right."God then turned to Hillary and asked, "Hillary, what do you believe in?"She replied, "I believe you're sitting in my chair."-

Hair Color

An old man was sitting on a bench in the mall when a young man with spiked hair came over and sat down beside him. The boy's hair was yellow, green, orange, and purple. He had black makeup around his eyes. The old man just stared at him.
Finally the boy said, "what's the matter, old man, haven't you ever done anything wild in your life?"
The old man thought for a while and answered, "well yes actually, I have, I once got drunk and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son."  

Standing at the ATM.

Saw a lad standing on one leg at an ATM.
Confused, I asked him what he was doing?
He was just checking his balance.

One wish

A guy walking along the beach finds a bottle and picks it up.

A genie pops out and says, "Thanks for letting me out. For your kindness I will grant you one wish."

The guys says, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I can't because I'm afraid to fly and ships make me deathly sick. My wish is for you to build a road from here to Hawaii."

The genie says, "I'm sorry, but I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved. Think of the huge pilings we'd need to hold up that highway and how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. And think of all the cement that would be needed. Plus, since it's such a long span, there would have to be gas stations and rest stops along the way. No, that's just too much to ask. Impossible."

The guy says, "Well, there is one thing I've always wanted to know. I'd like to be able to understand women...what makes them laugh and cry...you know, what makes them tick."

The genie thinks a second, then asks, "You want two lanes or four?'

I went to a horticultural conf

I went to a horticultural conference and they said ‘Please be seeded.'

Brendon Walsh: WMD Penis

My last girlfriend used to call my penis what I thought was a big, powerful, scary nickname. She was calling it a weapon of mass destruction. Sounded cool, but then I found out she was calling it that because she thought my penis was really hard to find.

Chuck Norris doesn't mow his l...

Chuck Norris doesn't mow his lawn, he dares his grass to grow.

A Roll Of The Dice

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at the craps tables for players when a gorgeous blonde lady wearing a huge fur coat walked in and asked if she could bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.

The dealers said yes and were happy to oblige.

She then said, "I hope you don't mind, but I'll feel much luckier if I take off my coat." With that, she took off her coat and was wearing a skin-tight Wonder-woman outfit!

The men looked her up and down as she leaned over the table, rolled the dice, and yelled, "Come on baby, come on!"

She then jumped up and down, hugging each of the casino dealers while yelling "YES, I WIN! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT, I WIN!!" With that, she picked up her winnings and quickly left.

The dealers stood there staring at each other dumbfounded, until one finally asked the other, "What the heck did she roll anyway?"

The second dealer answered, "I don't know. I thought you were paying attention!"

Britney and Christina Work Together

Britney Spears and Christina Aguliera were building a barn. While putting up the inside wall, Britney noticed that Christina was tossing every other nail into the garbage can.

Britney asked Christina, "Why are you throwing those nails away?"

Christina said, "The pointed end is on the wrong end of the nail."

Britney said, "Well, don't throw those away, we can use those on the outside wall!"

Turbulent Times

A plane hit a patch of severe turbulence and the passengers were holding on tight as it rocked and reeled through the night. A little old lady turned to a minister who was sitting behind her and said, "You're a man of God. Can't you do something about this?"
He replied, "Sorry, I can't. I'm in sales, not management."

What Nationality Were Adam and Eve?

A Briton, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden. "Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British." "Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French." "No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are Russian."

One day a little girl was sitt...

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

Car Joke

Q: Why did the driver put a stove in his car?

A: To make a hot rod.

The Forgotten Name

Two old friends met by chance on the street.
After chatting for some time one said to the other, "I'm terribly sorry, but I've forgotten your name. You'll need to tell me".
The other stared at him thoughtfully for a long time, then replied, "How soon do you need to know?"

Louis Katz: Hippie Roommate

I made the mistake of moving in with a hippie. Hippie roommate -- horrible mistake. Apparently, when they say peace and love, what they really mean is filthy and annoying.